The Rider of Young Justice Season 1: Beginnings

Disordered

Mount Justice: 5:21pm, October 23rd, 2010:

P.O.V Change: Matthew Spectre

Silence. That is what reigns within this room. No one here is in a good mood. Good being objective. The training exercise failed spectacularly. A simple exercise, simple.........failed, and now we face the consequences of its failure. M'gann is most affected. My senses have been bombarded with guilt, sadness, despair and self loathing. Most of that comes from M'gann. I stand against the wall as I gaze at everyone. Robin is sitting on the couch. A pondered look and feeling of self doubt etches from him. Wally is at the counter, playing with a candy wrapper. He's trying to get his mind off it. Kaldur is leaning on the counter, facing away from everyone, his feelings are filled with sadness and regret. Artemis is leaning on the couch near me. She is shaken by the experience. Something happened after her 'death' that she won't tell to the group. M'gann is trying to distract herself with baking but even that is unable to break her from her self loathing. Blake is sitting on the floor with his head in his hands. I haven't spoke to him but I can feel his despair. We hear doors opening as Connor comes barging through. Feelings of anger, self doubt and guilt are coursing through him, he walks past everyone and continues to the hanger. The doors open again as we look and see Black Canary standing there. "Artemis." She says. Artemis perks her head up and follows Canary. I get up and leave the common area and head to the gym. I need to let off some steam.

I get it gym and being laying soft punches agaisnt the pillar. Flashes go off in my head. The League's death, Wolf's death. My punches get harder as I grit my teeth. Artemis's death. M'gann's scream, Wally's rage. The force of my punches get stronger and stronger as the pillar begins rattling and cracking. Black Bolt's sacrifice, the deaths of the soldiers and Kaldur. Manhunter's questions, my apathy. The punches get stronger as I start raging at the pillar. Manhunter's death, Robin's, Wally's........ M'gann's........by my hand. I scream in anger as I punch the pillar for the last time as a flamed coated fist breaks it onto four pieces and a heap of shards. I breath heavy as I sit on a bench. "Matthew?" Zarathos says to me as I just shake my head. "Not now, Zarathos. Just leave me alone." I say as I feel him tell himself, giving me some space. The doors open and Canary standing in the doorway. She's looking at the rubble and turns back to me. "I'm coming." I say to her as she nods. I wipe off any sweat and make my way into Canary's therapy room. The room is tranquil, quiet.......peaceful. Haven't felt that in a long time......and today is not where I'm going to start. I sit in the green chair as canary sits in front of me.

"Care to share any thoughts befote we start?" She asks softly as I sit perfectly still. "No." I reply as she leans forward. "Matt, I know that this is difficult. Opening up to your pain will go a long way in helping......talk to me. Tell me about your experience?" She says as I stare at her. "I watched my friends die......and I didn't care." I say, trying to keep my voice as even as possible. "Felt nothing? Do you want to elaborate on that?" She asks as I look down in shame. "Being the Rider, you see a lot of bed shit. What people are willing to do to one another. I thought that I was above that, that I could exterminate that......but I'm no better than them." I say softly as I look at my hands. I see blood just ooze out if them. Blood of my friends. Blake, Robin, Wally..... M'gann. "I'm trying to understand. How are you no better?" She asks as I look up. "Zarathos might have been in control but what he feels, I feel. And what I feel, he feels. I felt that the mission wasn't real, until M'gann took control, I forgot but I still felt like nothing was real in a sense. I told Blake to sacrifice himself, for the greater good. I sent my friend to his death because I was too much of a forward to do it myself. I killed M'gann.......I knew that I had to shockbher out of the reality.....but the ease that I had doing it......I killed her with such little effort. It scares me......just how little I care about my friends. I feel like........a monster." I say as I hang my head in my hands. "I have no idea what you could be going through. But you're not a monster. A monster wouldn't care about anyone but himself. A monster wouldn't be feeling guilty for his actions. You do, Matt. You feel guilty about how you conducted yourself. You feel fear at the prospect of hurting your friends. You care about them......a monster wouldn't." She says a so look up and wipe a tear fronmy eye. "You are a brave and caring man, Matt. You have the strength to pull through this......I think that we had a good session. If you want to talk about it more......just ask." She says a so nod and head to the door. Beige I leave, I look back at her. "How's Artemis?" I ask her. "That's not a question that you should be asking me." She says as I nod and walk out.