Sorry

Finally

It's always the little voices, the hushed whispers at the back of your mind at every moment. The voices that you rarely hear but are always, talking, influencing your every move.

They're always there, every person has them, they're usually harmless, but they can get loud, when they do, they seize to be harmless.

I was taking a shower when they got loud for the first time, they were annoying at best and scary at worst. but their sounds were always muffled by the sound of warm water hitting my head, so the shower became my safe haven.

Louder and louder they got overtime. More annoying, more demanding, sometimes just talking, siting events or past memories that I'd rather stay forgotten. They even crept their way into my dreams turning them into nightmares.

Even the happy memories started to darken by their whispers, doubt, anger, guilt and regret, no memory was too sacred for them. Almost non.

You get used to them after a few years, they become part of who you are. They're slowly killing you yet you hold on because they are familiar, you're afraid of what will happen when they go away.

The loudest they ever got was on July 1st of 2012. that day my father died, the last member of my family that was willing to put up with me. Bridges were burned and trails ran cold on that day.

It was the last time I ever got to see any one of my "family." let alone all of them.

That night I cried, I screamed, drank, smoked, and did everything that I know would shut the voices out. They kept screaming. Even the shower didn't work.

I wish it was the one night though.

From that point it got harder to do anything, I had to fight to get out of bed in the morning, I lost most days. I barely ate anything, barely went out, I didn't pick up any calls.

Two weeks in I heard a knock followed by a voice "Johnathan, it's Alyssa I haven't seen you for two weeks are you alright in there?"

I didn't answer her, I was too ashamed. Too scared to answer.

After few more tries she went away. What I did then is cloudy. Seconds? Minutes? Hours? I'm not sure but she came back,

She didn't knock this time, she simply opened the door, It took her a while to reach my room.

Small rays of sunlight were the only source of light in my room, it was bright enough that I could see her face.

I looked at her scared, I was expecting looks of disappointment, disgust. I didn't like those looks but I was used to them.

I was surprised when the only look I saw on her face was one of sadness, even though that was quickly washed away. She was left with a blank smile before shooting me a warm smile.

"You haven't eaten in a while, no?"

I opened my mouth but no words came out, tears were still running down my face and my throat was dry. I simply nodded.

"I know just the dish to brighten your mood, Come on you're helping me," she said. Leading me by the hand to the kitchen.

From the point on ward she helped me a lot, she came to my house everyday, bringing food, drinks, games, stories. I didn't like her company at first, I even made it a point to tell her that at points, but nothing worked.

This girl kept coming back, I wasn't even sure what her name was, as embarrassing as that was I asked her one day.

She chuckled.

two months later Alyssa convinced me to go to therapy, I was scared and embarrassed at first, so she offered to accompany me.

Six months later, the voices were reduced to a whisper, I'm dating Alyssa and my life has never been brighter.