Flash of Warmth

Prologue

Prologue

"How are you feeling today?" My psychiatrist asked me.

Hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit kailangang iyon ang tanong nila sa bawat umpisa ng sessions. Besides, what was it for when they already knew the answer.

"Obviously not fine, doc." I answered truthfully.

There's no damn way I could ever lie to her. She knows me well. And it's been what? 12 years ago when I had my last session with her. Back then, she helped me to compose myself into picking it up one by one. But look now, I'm here again.

This feels like deja vú.

Tumango siya. "Can you tell me about what happened that day?"

Just like what we are watching from movies, every series of scenarios that day flashed through my mind. Parang sirang plaka na paulit ulit nagpe-play sa utak ko. My heart was so painful that I found it hard to breathe.

"Okay, calm down," pagpa-pakalma niya sa akin. "Inhale, Exhale... Inhale, Exhale."

Sinunod ko siya. Just like the old times, it somehow helped me to calm down a bit. But still, my mind were such a mess. Kung maaari lamang hilingin na gawing pang-lunas ang breathing process na ito sa sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon at ng ibang nakakaranas nito, matagal ko nang ginawa.

However, this is just a temporary thing which enables people to feel relieved in a short span of time. Oh, I just wish it would stay a bit longer.

"You got this, okay? You've got this before. And, you can get over this again soon." She said, trying to comfort me.

Actually, I couldn't care less. I was in a trance and I am finding my way back... but I'm also starting to accept my defeat.

I pursed my lips.

Matagal ko siyang tinignan sa mga mata niya. And her eyes... keeps on telling me that i'm gonna get from all of this, so I must trust the process.

"What if I don't wanna get healed this time around?" Usal ko habang nakatitig sa kaniya.

I've noticed that she's now getting pretty emotional over my words. It feels like she doesn't want me to give up, but she is scared as well because she knows that I might really do what I say.

"Ofcourse, you will. But you have fought so many times before. Ngayon ka pa susuko?"

Napaisip ako. Lahat ng pinagdaanang battles ko noon, lahat ng iyon ay naipanalo ko, gaya ng sabi niya. Pero kasi, parang ngayon ko lang na-realize na hindi pala worth it yung mga ipinaglaban ko. Alam mo 'yon? Parang sumabak ka sa giyera nang hindi mo sigurado kung bakit kailangan mong isakripisyo ang lahat, ma-ipanalo lamang ang laban na iyon.

I emotionally gasped. "This is way far different than before, Sam."

"Yes, it is, obviously, it's completely different. Mas mahirap, mas doble ang sakit, mas pinapatay ka sa loob. Pero kinaya mo noon, 'di ba? Maniwala kang kakayanin mo rin ngayon. Please?" Pagmamakaawa niya.

Nangingilid na ang mga luha niya. She doesn't want me to be gone, just like everyone else. Pero... hindi naman kasi sila ako? I don't need them to tell things such as I can survive again, and stuff like that to motivate me to keep me still alive and kicking.

That is not what I needed. But of course, they wouldn't know a single thing about it. Because they are focusing much more on my precious life, as they say. Samantalang ako, ni hindi man lang nga nasasayangan sa buhay ko.

My life is cursed. I am the curse.

Umiling ako. "Hindi na ako sigurado, Sam. Hindi ko na alam."

Doon bumuhos ang mga luhang kanina pa sabik kumawala. Ang bigat... sobrang bigat ng dibdib ko. Pero alam ko ring hindi mababawasan iyon kapag umiyak ako. Kasi... parang nakaukit na sa akin ang sakit. And it was like, there's no cure for it. Babalik at babalik lang.

"No, you have to trust yourself. Kaya mo 'yon, 'di ba?"

She's hopeless. She really is.

Malungkot akong ngumiti sa kaniya. Nanumbalik ang pag-aalala sa kanyang mga mukha. May natirang bakas ng tuyong luha sa kanyang mga pisngi.

"Thank you," her eyes glistened. "Thank you for believing, Sam. You'll be remembered forever."

Unti-unting kumunot ang kaniya mga noo. Shegave me a puzzled look. Para bagang hinahanap ang sagot sa mukha ko. Kinuha ko ang tsansang iyon para pumanhik palabas.

I heard her call my name multiple times, almost shouting at me to come back, but I am more eager to leave that place as soon as I can.

I think... that's more than enough to bid my goodbye to her. Sigurado naman akong makakarating iyon sa iba pa naming mga kaibigan.

I actually feel bad for disappointing them. But guess what? If I'll continue to live my life the way they wanted, I'd be more disappointed in myself.

How ironic. I am disappointed in myself when I was really born to be a disappointment.