Yes♡ | Seongjoong texts [ATEEZ]

23: high to the point ✿

[cw: talks of suicide and depression.]

Seonghwa took another drag, laughing at whatever Hongjoong was saying. They were smoking outside at the balcony, they would do it inside, but Mingi was not a fan of the smell of weed let alone having it all over his dorm.

"You know, and, then, I was like, Yunho stop you're gonna spill it everywhere!" Hongjoong kept telling hos shenanigans, Seonghwa wasn't really listening. "Hey! Hwa! You listening?" The shorter asked, smacking his lover's arm to gain some attention.

"Huh? What? Sorry I-," He started. "What were you saying?"

"C'mon, what's up? Why did you ask to smoke out of nowhere?" Hongjoong said taking the joint off his hands and smoking himself.

"Huh? I can't just ask my boyfriend to have a blunt with me?" He said a bit startled, not expecting the sudden interrogation.

"I know you, Seonghwa, you can talk to me, I'm here for you." Joong took his hand, getting a little closer to him.

"I can't... I can't keep it up Joong."

"Seonghwa..."

"Minho called me some time ago, he said things to me. He said my sister killed herself in front of me. I believe him. I can't remember but I believed him. He sounded so broken. He said I forgot about all our friends when it happened. I don't even remember having a sister Hongjoong. I can't even recall the names he said. But he was so sad... He was screaming at me, he was crying, he was mad." Seonghwa didn't show any emotion but a tear fell from his right eye. Hongjoong started tearing up too.

"I can't believe I hurt him like that. While he was broken, he kept going with my life. I studied, I met you again, then I was able to fall in love... But he was pretending to not have more friends around me. I guess he grew tired of doing so and that's why we parted away. I think that's why he started to hate me. I understand. I did so much damage to him, and everyone around me. Fuck, I even made my parents pretend they never had a daughter. I'm a bad person, Hongjoong."

The shorter could only hug him, sobbing in his arms. "No, it was never your fault, Hwa..." He said.

"But it was... I was the one who forgot. I was the one they had to protect. God, how much have my parents have to suffer because of their kids?" He said, not moving at all, Joong still wetting his shirt.

"And now I'm making you cry. I'm just horrible."

"You're not..." The whimpers drowned his words.

"I have been having this bad dreams. I'm at my parents house and there's a girl crying in the locked room I'm not allowed to enter. She's young, but I'm younger. When I enter, the floor is bloody, just like her. Everything turns red. Then she dies and daisies grow on her wounds. They are too beautiful to be there. I look at the bloody knife she's holding and... Then everything goes dark." He hugged Hongjoong back, not able to get the words out of him.

"I think I tried to kill myself too, that night. I think I reached for the knife. I can't remember, but I just... know? The day she died, I tried to too. I couldn't bare with the pain of it, Joong. I think that's why I forgot everything. I didn't want to face her dead. I wasn't ready, and I don't think im ready still.

I think I've been dealing with a hard depression since I talked with Minho. As if it was just my faith, to die like she did. I don't know why she did it, I don't know anything about anything. I just know that you and the guys are keeping me alive. I don't want to go back to my parents place. I want to forget everything again. I want to be happy like I was when I met you. I can't even remember how it felt. I'm afraid that if I know anything else, I will not be able to go back to being... Me, I guess. I don't even know who is me anymore, though. I'm lost, Hongjoong..."

And Hongjoong never answered, he was too busy hugging Seonghwa, too busy crying to his words. Too busy, just, being there, for him.
And Seonghwa thanked him mentally for not saying a word. He just wanted to let it out. He didn't want anyone to tell him how sad his story was or how to fix it. He just wanted someone to listen. And Hongjoong listened.
He was thankful he had Hongjoong. He was so thankful he had found him again.

[Haha... Seonghwa i feel you, I'm lost too.]