The Lucky Ones.

Starting.

After he left, I sobbed for hours. Today was Saturday and I get weekends off. I sit in silence three hours later. I turn on a song, "Don't Let Me Go- The Fray" and try to forget the world outside. I do some dishes but stare off into space. I stand there scrubbing the same plate over and over until I snap back to reality. I am not trying to forget him or move on. This I know but I'm sure what I am supposed to do. I already can pay the bills myself and I can feed myself food and not take out but what I'm trying to accomplish within my mind is something of the unknown at the moment. Jacob and I have been together since we were freshman in college. We have been together for about 5 years and we've been together nearly everyday for those years. That's 60 months, 1825 days, 438000 hours, 26,280,000 minutes, 1,576,800,000 seconds of our lives that we have savored together. Being apart is something new to us both. It's hard to just process that in my mind. Being alone in my apartment and the worst part is I don't know when he will come back, if he comes back.

I sit on my couch and just wait for something to make a noise. My hair is in rats and tangles and my clothes are from the day before. I don't feel like getting up, I just stare out the window. After an hour of sitting in silence and potentially going insane, I take a shower and decide to go walk around a little. Ya, I'm sad but I have to figure out what I want from my life. It can't always be just about him because when he's gone I'll be nothing. I try to keep my mind together. Try to stay happy and optimistic about everything. I know I can't just give up, I can't let him worry. Maybe if I am strong and happy and well he will feel that in his gut and he will be ok with everything. We've been together for a while, we have a connection, ya, he can feel if I am ok or not. I have to stay happy so he will be happy too. I tell myself this over and over again. Brainwashing myself, I go to the phone and decide to ring my mother.

"Hello?"
"Hello mother. How are you?"
"Oh, it's you. I am fine darling. And you?"
"Well, Jacob was just called out. He left this morning." I bite my lip waiting for a response. My mother is silent for a minute.
"That unfortunate. I'm really sorry, Blair. You know what. I'll come up and visit you. We can have a girls weekend. How bout that?" I don't usually get along with my mother and I don't really want to see her but I am trying to stay optimistic so-
"Yes. Of course mom! I'd love to see you!"
"I'll be there later today! Bye darling!"
"Goodbye mom." I put the phone back and I am instantly filed with regret. I run around trying to clean the house. It's the little things that she worries about. I run in the kitchen and wash and rewash all my dishes and scrub the counters. I organize the fridge and pantry. I clean the counters again and begin with the table. I scrub the table and put a new cloth over it. I run outside, pick some flowers and put them in a vase in the center of the table. I mop the floors and as they dry I run to the bathroom. I scrub every single thing in there. I even throw away the shower curtain and run to the Dollar Store and buy a new one. I arrange tooth brushes, toothpaste, mouthwash, floss, shampoo, conditioner, body washes, everything in the bathroom is organized and set perfectly. The kitchen floors have dried so I mop it all again. As that dries I go to my bedroom and change the sheets, make the bed, arrange pillows from largest in back to smallest in front, vacuum three times, and organize my makeup and work stuff. The kitchen floors are dry again so I make some ice tea with lemon slices and set it the fridge. I know it's my mothers favorite. The living area was the cleanest but I still vacuumed, dusted, rearranged, and organized everything. I set out some magazines and books, several coasters, and I finally stand back. I am sweating. I look at my home. It's the best it has ever looked. It's a start. It could use more color but it's a pretty darn good start. That's what I'm trying to day, right? Start a life that I'm happy with and something I'm in control of. I sit at the table and have a glass of tea and start thinking. Ok, Jacob is gone but it's not it's forever. My mother is coming over and that is what I'm kind of dreading. See, my mother is a very particular person. She's very picky and extremely judgmental. She jumps to conclusions and is constantly complaining about things. She is the party pooper, the debby downer. But she seemed happy on the phone and some what excited to see me. My brother, Tyler, was always her favorite and she didn't ever seem to care that much about me. My brother is about 26 years old and he lives in Oregon. She goes and sees him every summer. I only see her whenever something bad happens. Last time I saw her was last year when my grandpa died. She was walking around picking up crumbs and yelling at family members for "messing up" the funeral. I left early because she start picking at my grandpa's clothes as he lied lifeless. It was kinda the worst thing ever.
I am still sitting with my glass of tea and I'm now reading a book. It's not all that good, but it's something to do. I lasted about five minutes than I slammed the book shut for no reason and place it back on the table in the living room. I walk to my surround sound system and turn up my favorite song, Nickelback-Lullaby. I like to pretend he's actually singing to me and trying to make me happy again. I get another glass of tea and the door bell begins to ring.