Law of Desire

Upside down.

The Autumn rain had stopped, leaving a trail of it’s intoxicating aroma while the trees began losing some of it’s beautiful hairs. Birds that used to wake us up had immigrated to greener lands while the beautiful butterflies that roamed the beautiful garden were nowhere to be seen, as though they were never there. Waking up to sad dying flowers seemed depressing and yet, I had found beauty in the mere meaning of life and primarily it is because I am truly happy. For the first time in years and it was because of the woman who kept me off my feet while showing me the most perfect kind of love.

I had started to fall into her perfect routine as she fell into mine. We would wake up and I'd listen to her complain about how soon the morning came, honestly I hadn’t really seen her as someone who hates the morning but she truly does which is adorable on some days, when we don’t have back to back cases. After an eventful night, she would force feed me and continue to complain about the world while reading the news paper and then we would drive in utter silence while we both prepared for the day and maybe a little bit of manifesting. During the day, we would keep it professional while stealing glances and holding hands during meetings – She insists I sit next to her for that reason-. After a hectic busy day, we would simply drive back home and share a few stories about the people we work with then but dinner as none of us really enjoys cooking. After dinner we get back to work, for an hour or two, then seduction takes place which tires us for the night but that’s honestly a regular day which is not today.

Amanda had left early due to an important call she had received. We barely ever check each others phones as we are always too busy to care but she seemed rather too worried that I might see who had been calling regardless of the fact that I didn't care and I trusted her completely. “I'll see you at work…the driver will be here, give him the Jaguar” she had said, her face clearly hiding something. Her cup of tea left cold while her usual complaints almost null. I thought she was acting out of character and yet there isn’t much to do but wait until she is ready to say.

The driver, Gary, had been kind and patient with me as I struggled to leave the house on time. His handshake asserted dominance, gripping tightly. After our formal greeting, he drove off in silence while the radio played a few songs I wouldn't listen to on a normal day. In fact, I had grown to enjoy the silence I share with Amanda but today is truly peculiar. Nothing is as it should be.
Upon arriving at work, Pamela had been waiting for me with her arms folded and an angry expression. “Girl, you're late" she huffed while also helping me with my bags.

“I know but why are you waiting for me outside?” I asked. She never waits for me outside, usually she sits on my desk and chew her gum, modestly.

“I wasn't waiting for you, Diana was here after I told her I didn’t want to see her" she scoffed. Pamela had made it a point to paint a perfect picture of her relationship with Diana, a relationship where there are no fights nor do they show signs of toxicity which caught me off guard. Perhaps I were in an upside down world where every thing is the complete opposite of what usually occurs.

“What happened?” I asked, curiously.

“She wants us to make a child together" she announced.

“Wait what?” I Asked, flabbergasted.

“I mean, I do not mind a child but we aren’t married . I’ve always wanted a child after marriage” she explained.

“Perhaps she is not ready to marry" I said.

“Even so, she could just tell me and see a way forward but she is closed off which upsets me more than having to make a child" she said as she picked up her pace, walking way too fast for my short legs.

“Hey!” I called out to her “Diana has been through a lot and I can assure you that she is still coming to terms with all that has happened so sit down and listen to her" I advised.

“Sure but why aren’t you with Amanda? Trouble in paradise?” she changed the subject swiftly. Surely it is better to talk about my love life.

“She left early today but we are alright" I said honestly  yes we have minimal fights which always end quickly, like last week when she basically told me that she thought my defence was too blend -rolls eyes- and she was wrong because that’s how I won the case with Maria Paula.

“I love how put together you are" she said, pressing the button to our floor. We had been stuck in the conversations that we hadn’t even noticed the journey to the office. “Have you officially moved in with her?”

“Not really, my apartment is almost empty but I love having a sanctuary in case I need one" I explained.

“True! I am back at my house because Diana is upsetting me" she smiled as the elevator doors spread wide open, revealing busy people whom I enjoy seeing.

“Marla!” I greeted and she simply nodded which was strange.

“Catherine! How's the baby?” I asked with the widest of grins. I truly loved her stories about her little daughter who cannot stop talking.

“Fine" she replied, briefly.

“Thom!” I called out to the old attorney who doesn’t want to retire but the old man looked at me as if I were a stranger.

“Everyone is acting weird today" I told Pamela and she brushed it off, saying perhaps everyone was simply exhausted. “I will take your word for it" I said as I reached my desk and chair.

“There she is, the innocent one who has been fucking the amazing boss" Mark snarled.

“What?” I asked, shocked by his words.

“Oh cut the Crap! We all know you've been having an affair with Amanda…” He raised his voice, ensuring that everyone would hear what he has to say “it all makes perfect sense now, all these cases are handed over to you because you spread your legs for her. Whore!” he said bitterly and I looked at Pamela, mentally asking if she knew that people knew but her slight nose scrunch indicated that she too had no idea of what is happening.

“I do not know what you are talking about” I lied but surely that’s all I can do until I talk to Amanda.

“There is no need to lie because saw the nasty video" he said bitterly “You are disgusting to be honest" he finished.

“Hey! Don’t talk to her like that" Pamela warned sternly

“Why? She is basically sleeping her way up on the corporate ladder!” he spat.

“Shut the fuck up Mark! We all know you've been sleeping with Maria Paula and Mohammad to get cases.  Not everyone is like you!” Pamela said to my defence and Mark immediately sat down, his tail wiggling in his arse. “Are you alright?” she asked, her voice laced with concern.

“How?” I asked. How did people find out?

“I think we should head to the store room and see what everyone is on about" she said as she pulled my hand towards the store room, it had cleaning utensils and smelled of bleach.  “Hey don’t cry" she said, wiping a tear I hadn’t felt.

“I ruined her, her reputation all because I wanted her" I mumbled, not even hearing what I was saying. Everything made sense, from the way she left without me to the way everyone was reluctant to have a conversation with me. I felt sick to my stomach.

“Whatever this is, it's not your fault” Pamela reassured but it didn’t make any sense. I am to be blamed for whatever it is that is happening. Pamela stared at her phone but quickly shut it, throwing it to me and there it was. My naked body rocking up and down while my eyes remained closed. Amanda had been sucking my nipples while she fucked me merciless although the video only showed half of my body. The video seemed low quality which shows that it is a phone but not a camera.

“How did people find this?” I asked although I could feel my walls close in. My heart beating faster and faster while my breathing escalated.

“I have no clue" Pamela said, reaching her hand for me to grab but my state hindered me from doing as I reached for the door knob instead, seeking an escape from this small store room. “Where are you going?” she asked, I hadn’t seen her face but her tone was enough to tell me that she too was just as upset as I were. I couldn't answer her as I felt like I couldn't speak, my brain too scrambled to do anything but walk away from the situation. Flight, I couldn’t possibly fight something so exposed, something so true and something equally beautiful. Someone took what I have with Amanda and turned it into something of no value, made it seem like we are just another pair of beings having mere sex without the knowledge of what had occurred on that particular day.

I had been too upset on that day, losing a case had almost ruined my month. Tears fell down my face while Andrew, the senior attorney, complained about how biased the judge had been which wasn’t true. Our strategy hadn’t worked the way I had hoped so we lost, a good mother lost her children simply because of us. I had remained in the company car while I waited my tears out, I couldn’t allow anyone to see me in that state but after a few minutes, Amanda knocked on the window and let herself in. “I heard" she had said “but you do know that sometimes you will lose, that doesn’t mean you aren’t a good attorney, chin up babe" she then held my hand. She truly had been trying to be supportive yet I was too frustrated with myself, it was an easy case. Out of a place of frustration, I got on top of her and she shifted the car seat, giving me ample space for some freedom, “Is this what you need?” she simply asked and I nodded while a tear landed on my lips and the rest of that is seen on the video.

“I need to fucking breathe" I said lowly as I hurried out the building. I could feel the judgemental stares and hear the soft whispering while I passed and some even laughed. This is a nightmare and somehow it is my fault, I should've waited until we got home.

As soon as the Autumn air hit my face, I bent over trying to grasp each and every bit of it while tears of utter regret fell down my face, I couldn’t feel them but I tasted them as they landed on my trembling lips. I hurried to the nearest busstop and stood there, fidgeting with my fingers while I could swear that everyone knew and was primarily snickering about me. “Ma'am?” I  heard someone say, pulling me out if my deep pool of thoughts.

“Sorry" I said as I climbed on the bus and set at the back, hoping no one would talk to me or look at me.

On and off I went, on busses. I had no idea where I was going and yet I continued to get on and off. My teary face had made some people ask if I where alright while some refrained from sitting next to me. Nothing made any sense but the fact that I was to blame. I wondered how Amanda felt about this, perhaps she had been too upset and left me at home because she too knew that it was all me. I ruined her career and surely mine. I had cussed myself with every horrid word because I deserved it.

As the evening succumbed, I  found myself getting off my last bus in a rather familiar yet strange place. I could tell that I had been here at some point in life but couldn't remember when or how. I listened to my heart as I started walking, the medium sized houses had been lit while a few children cheered their goodbyes and walked to their homes. A few melodic  songs came from the house while dogs barked, loud enough to make another song. All this seemed too familiar, it felt like home but it wasn't. I wasn’t raised in a neighbourhood like this.

My feet lead me to a yellow painted house. Slowly, I walked up the porch with nothing but hope, hope that there is a reason why I had landed in this particular house. My reluctant hand finally raised and knocked on the door. See the entire day had been peculiar, almost as if it had been a dream although I had tried to pinch myself plenty of times. Nothing seemed real, even this very moment where I knocked on a strangers house simply because my heart told me so. My scepticism suddenly gone.

The door opened, revealing a man I knew. His face just as surprised as mine although his facial expression knew, he knew that am sad. “Come in" he simply said and with a hopeful smile, I walked in while the world closed behind me.