Law of Desire

Almost.

“Wake up!” I heard someone say, their voice so deep it would hold water. I have never been woken up by such a deep voice, it instantly made me jolt up to see who it was. The world of dreams had made me forget all that was wrong, from the sex tape to the fact that I left my  woman alone. I had thought about calling to tell her where I was but all I could think about was the fact that She was angry at me, perhaps everyone was thus leaving my dead phone be. “I made porridge and you need to eat, I cannot allow you to sleep as though all will be fine" the man sternly said, which pissed me off, how dare he speaks to me like that? I scowled at him and instantly folded, he seemed upset yet apologetic.

“I can’t think straight!” I said and it was the honest truth, my mind had been scribbling and not making any sense.

“You haven’t said anything to me since your arrival so how can I even help?” he seemed sincere yet I felt like he was too late.

“First tell me way you abandoned me and my mother" the words glided out of my mouth without a fair warning.

“Is that what you want to do?” He asked.

“Yes, I need to know why" I said, honestly. This is the question I have been meaning to ask him ever since I found out the truth about him.

“I had other priorities which I couldn't just let go of, the legacy of my family depended on it" he said which barely made any sense.

“Bull shit!” I said angrily.

“That was the truth" he said.

“Which legacy?” I asked, pointing at the air.

“Just allow me to explain further…please" he begged and I nodded, I wanted to know.
“I was in college when I met your mother, she was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen so naturally I asked her out and she agreed. We dated for a year but my great aunt couldn't accept our love, she looked down on your mother so when we go pregnant, my great aunt insisted I leave your mother or she would remove me from her will" he exhaled.

“All this for money?” I chuckled, bitterly.

“I was young and saw the world with eyes of greed so I started making your mother hate me, which wasn’t easy because I loved her" he paused “I didn’t mean to hurt you both but when you were about four, your mother arrived here with the intention of allowing me in your life but I had already gotten married and was expecting another child" he said shamefully.

“You rejected her, again. Surely you were older than" I remarked.

“I felt horrible for it but my inheritance still depended on me forgetting about you and your mother" he said “When my great aunt died, I called your mother and told her I loved her but she was too stubborn to hear me out regardless of me explaining what really occurred" he said, rather too defensively. It sounded as though it was her fault or maybe she hadn’t been patient enough.

“Do you blame her? You broke her heart!” I snarled with anger.

“I know but there wasn't much I could do, I wanted to be able to take care of my kids" he said.

“What about me?” I asked.

“I tried but your mother wouldn’t let me" he said.

“You need to realise that my mother wasn’t wrong because he came to you, years later and still you couldn't accept her and I” I told him.

“What would you have done if you were in my position?” he asked.

“Was it worth it? Because you're still here" I asked, not caring to answer his question.
“I regret ever leaving your mother because she loved me for me, not my money but I cannot go back in time and fix this neither can I ever go back in time to stop my wife from taking everything away from me!” he said, his voice suddenly getting louder.

“Take some responsibility for your actions! You are blaming everything but yourself. You had a woman who loved you and you followed money” I said, clearly upset with the man who is ought to be my father.

“I have been beating myself up for all my life, my fucking kids look down on me while the woman I married sits in my office with another man. Karma hit me so bad while shame kept me crippled. I wanted to call your mother and beg for her forgiveness but I knew that this is my doing and yet, here you are" he said. “I've suffered for my sins” he finished.

“You lost your legacy and family and somehow you think that is penance? You did so much damage, I lived most of my life in anger while my mother stopped believing that the words -I love you- mean anything" I said.

“What do you want me to do?” he asked, breathless.

“When were you planning on coming to see us? To have this conversation?” I asked.

“I…” he struggled to create a sentence, I could see it on his baffled face.

“See? If I hadn't landed here then this conversation wouldn't have happened, you need to do better”

Suddenly this conversation resonated with what I had done to Amanda, I ran off without any word of apology nor did I trust her enough to stand up for me. Although upset with my father, I was acting as he had except our child was the beautiful love that made me swoon with merely a thought. I truly missed her, regardless of the guilt that ate me up.

“I am trying and you ending up here wasn’t a mistake, I needed to hear this and I needed to see the extent of my doings" My father said, he sounded sincere and maybe even regretful. “Just get out of bed, shower and come eat" he pressed.

“I will, may I please use your charger?” I asked, already elated about calling Amanda and apologising for everything.

**

After a relaxing bath, I sat on the bed and took in the pink painted bedroom. Pictures of white women were placed on the wall, with extravagant frames. A brown cross had been put above the bed while white knitted cloths covered some of the furniture. In retrospect, the room seemed like it belonged to an old lady, an unfriendly one at that and suddenly I felt shivers all over my body. I was too wrapped up with everything to the point whereby I hadn’t noticed how creepy this room was. After wearing the clothes my father got for me, I hurried downstairs on a narrow staircase which landed me near the kitchen.

As I walked it, the smell of porridge engulfed my nose while his humming made me chuckle. “Let's just kiss and say…goodbye!” he started singing, mid hum. I watched as he shook his belly and dance all over the kitchen. From a distance, he seemed like someone I would have fun with but I simply couldn't allow him in my life just like that nor could I ever forgive him.

“Hey!” he said, as soon as he saw my reflection on his tiles. “Sit down” he said, grabbing a bowl of warm porridge.

“Thank you" I said after he placed the bowl in front of me. He watched as I poured some butter and sugar, grinning as though he was proud of me. Perhaps he was, I had woken up after three days in bed.

“So would you like to tell me what happened? Perhaps I could help" he said as I put a spoonful of porridge in my mouth. I hadn’t expected him to ask but I loved that he did.

“I’m having some problems with my girlfriend and my career" I said.

“A girlfriend?” he asked, stunned.

“Is that a problem?” I scowled, waiting for him to say something insulting.

“No, all of my children are Queer. I am just stunned" he chuckled “Carolyn, just got married to a woman and Josh recently did his chest surgery” he said proudly.

I chuckled then said “It seems like you're the one with a gay gene but I would love to meet the siblings…that’s if you told them about me"

“They know about you but they don’t know  the full story, their mother had stopped me from telling them the whole truth until they finally left" he said sadly “Enough about me, what issues are you having with said girlfriend?” he asked.

“She is my boss and some one leaked a private moment we shared so I ran off because of utter guilt" I summed it up then realised that the person who should be accountable is the one who leaked that video, not me because I hadn't done anything wrong but my career was on the line, I would have to leave the law firm and start elsewhere which is something I did not want.

“Why are you guilty? Did you leak the private moment?” he asked, his grey brows creasing.

“No but it wouldn’t have been shot if I had simply waited until we were home" I said.

“If this was ought to happen then it would've happened even if you had been at home. Just talk to your partner, I am certain they aren’t blaming you as you are blaming yourself" he advised.

“I will, as soon as I am done eating" I smiled, happy I would talk to Amanda.

A knock on the door startled us, he looked at me as though I would know who was knocking. “Expecting someone?” I asked him and he shook his head but still stood up to see who was as his door. I looked at a large family portrait, placed on the wall, their smiles convincing while their eyes told a different story. I could instantly make out which of the two children were older and which felt uncomfortable in a yellow dress they had been wearing. The older woman who had been staring straight at the camera made my blood run cold, her awkward grin almost too evil. My father stood next to the woman, his smile seemed too fake or perhaps unusual.

“You have a guest" My father announced with a questioning expression.

“Who? No one knows I am here" I said, immediately standing up from my stool.

“It was obviously easy finding you" a voice said, one that belonged to the woman I didn’t want to see nor speak with. “Of course you ran off to the man who abandoned you" she said smugly.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“I was sent here by my daughter" she said as she pushed past my father, her nostrils widening while she judged everything. “You really broke her heart" she said.

“Why would she send you?” I asked.

“Because she is disgusted by you, the way in which you behaved. Abandoning her as though she doesn’t mean anything” she scoffed.

“Bull shit!” I yelled.

“Oh calm down child” she said “She is not just leaving you with nothing but she sure doesn’t want to see you ever again" Monica chuckled, her stare holding on to death.

“That's not true!” I shrieked while my dumbfounded father stood in silence.

“Oh but it is…You ruined her career and reputation so why would she want to be with someone like you?” she asked, making me angry with every word she uttered. Her disrespect overflowing and filling the house, making me feel as though I had been stuck in a confined space.

“You are lying" I said, the lump in my throat threatening tears.

“Look dear, I never liked you and I wouldn't have accepted you anyways so here is a check…” she placed a thin paper in front of me “to sustain you, in another province until you can find another law firm, maybe with a male boss so you won’t whore yourself to them" she said with utter disregard for humanity.

I couldn’t hold on to my tears anymore, the words I have always wanted to avoid were being said to me in the most humiliating manner. “Get the fuck out!” My father spoke, he too sounding as angry as I was.

“I am only a messenger” she said spitefully and without remorse.

“Get the fuck out of my house and leave my daughter alone you crazy bitch!” My angry father shrieked and with that, a scared Monica, hurried out of the house with her Prada purse hanging on her arm. The door roughly shut while pain consumed me. The words she had said played in my head like a broken record, they sounded like the truth yet there was no sense to it. Tear ran down my face while my breathing became improper. My face burned up while I bit my lips until I could taste some blood. The spoon I had been holding on, cut my hand as I was holding on too tightly. “Queenth!” I heard my father say, he was so close to me yet he sounded so far.

“Please don’t believe a word she said” my father said but I couldn’t hear him, I could only read his lips. I was drowning in to the abyss, sinking deeper and deeper into a dark world.