Walking Through Flames

The beginning of the end

The world and it's society like to latch onto other's happiness and shred it apart like animals. Any small bit of joy is ripped from your hands before you can even indulge in it. Holding onto that happiness is the hardest thing to do. Holding on to your hope. But it's the only thing you can do. Sometimes it's not about living anymore, it's about surviving one day and hoping the next is a small bit better. Rinse, repeat. That's something I had to figure out fairly early on in my life. 

It's a week before Christmas. He still hasn't returned any of my calls. School finished three days ago and all I've gotten from him since then is a few messages throughout the days. Apparently he's busy with something but it isn't the first time he has used that as an excuse. It's never him being busy with study or homework, he doesn't care about school that much. There is a million thoughts running through my mind. Does he even care about me anymore? I spent so much time and money on his Christmas present and he probably won't even be here to get it. It's fucking draining. Almost two years we have been together and god I love him more than anything. I love his eyes, the way their colour makes me feel like I'm gazing into an endless ocean every time I catch myself staring at them. I love his smile, slightly crooked but goofy, just the way it should be. A genuine smile that I only ever see once in a blood moon. His childlike brain, how he can be entertained by a simple video game or a kiss on the cheek. Or how we dance together when he feels happy. He spins and dips me like the world isn't there. Because it isn't. When we are together the world dissolves around us, leaving us alone on the earth with just each other for company. Or so that's how I feel. Or maybe that's just how I feel because that's my choice to feel that way. It sure as hell doesn't feel like that when he fails a test and I try to comfort him, only to be met with a shove and a "leave me alone Tara". I moved to his school to get away from the bullying at my old one and I thought maybe spending more time together would be good. And he was so excited. Now that I'm in the school with him he spends more time away from me than he did before. I love him beyond anything, maybe he doesn't love me that way.

December twenty-third. He finally called me last night. I sat alone in my room with my phone resting on the pillow next to me. We talked for a while. Or more accurately, we sat in silence on a call while he played games and asked if I was still there every now and again when he remembered my existence. I still had the thoughts in my head and it affected my mood, causing me to snap at him easily which I feel incredibly guilty about. The call ended with me in tears, as usual. Sobbing myself silently to sleep. We set up a get together for today and he is staying overnight so we can open Christmas presents and drink. We won't see each other for a bit after this as he has family coming over for Christmas and his parents want to spend it with him. I don't believe it's a good idea for me to spend Christmas with my family but Charlie's mother will most definitely not allow me to spend it with them. She believes I am a bad influence on Charlie. She isn't wrong persé but it still hurts. He went from five-star golden boy, head prefect, meitheal leader, H1s in everything to failing most subjects and not paying attention to any of his scholar duties. He started drinking more, going out to parties every weekend, not studying or doing homework etc etc. This was all after meeting me so I can see why she would believe it was my effect on him. 

He arrived at two in the afternoon on the same day. I jumped into his arms and he held me there.  We hugged for a few minutes and there were so so many tears after not seeing him for a while. My attachment may be too much, maybe that's why he doesn't love me as much anymore. We opened each other's gifts. The main one I got him was a lego Darth Vader helmet. Honestly it surprised me how excited he was to get lego. I knew he would like it, just not to that extent. So I started planning to get him the millennium falcon for Valentine's or our two year which were very close to each other. I had already started working on a gift for our two year. It was an email which I wrote to daily, saying what happened that day or writing little love notes for him.  We ordered pizza from mizzoni's and drank for the rest of the night while building lego, playing uno or listening to music. We kissed quite a lot as our drunken selves deemed it fit. It was just as passionate as always and yet it felt so final. It was a good night, and the last one we spent together.