Poems about life, death, everything in between

I'm not sober, I'm not alive

The Skeletons In My Closet
I wonder... what is hiding behind the doors?
I creep up to them
And I feel a cold, harsh breeze
Warning me to stay away
So I turn around
And forget

I wonder... why do I forget?
I approach again
And I immediately feel
My heart sinking
To the depths of my stomach

I wonder... why me?
Maybe because
I am strong
I was built to experience this for a reason
I am capable

I tell myself exactly that
And calmly float towards the two dark doors
I walk in
They slam
They keep me in

Maybe one day, they won't hurt as bad
They will be a lesson to share with my future children
But for now they remain
I can't escape
The skeletons in my closet

Untitled
I used to be afraid of the dark
I remember trying to hide my screams
Racing up the stairs
Terrified of the unknown force that was following close
Behind me

I used to be afraid of ghosts
Mostly because of horror movies, ouija boards
Satanism, demonic forces
What if there was one
Behind me

I used to be afraid of death
I never knew what would happen
Would I die by my own hand
Or would I be attacked in a vulnerable position?
All because I didn't notice his presence
Behind me

I used to be afraid of monsters
And even so... I could never see them with my eyes
Were  they in my closet? Under my bed?
I could hide under the covers
I never thought I would discover one
The truth is, they don't exist
But that is what I wanted to believe
The fact is, the monster is
Inside me

Cheshire Cat and The Wolf
I met you my senior year
You were tall... dark... handsome... mysterious
The epitome of adventure
But the adventure I thought it was
Quickly became a dangerous trap
The charming and sly cat
Shapeshifted
Into a sinister wolf
Preoccupied with revenge
I should've known
You weren't in love with me
You were in love with the idea of what I looked like
With my clothes on the ground
You were in love with my slow, steady breathing
And that seemed to present to you
An invitation
To let yourself in

C.H.S
I should be asleep
It is almost 2am
But tonight, I can be found
Tearing apart every inch
Of my childhood bedroom
Looking for something
Paraphernalia
A pen
A year-old close to empty cartridge
Filled with a sticky potion
THC blended with formaldehyde
That will take my breath away
And rip apart my stomach
Leaving me to scream and cry
Spending a few days by a toilet
Kneeling on the cold tile floor
Sweating and losing feeling
In my legs and toes
Feeling as if
Food doesn't belong in me and never will
Water is poison
Death has its grip around my neck
And I am killing myself from the inside out
I don't want that
I never wanted that
All I wanted
Was to feel something else
Something other than reality
The only thing that this lead me to feel
Was the sharp stab of the IV
in my vein
That the cold doctor took forever to find
And my body drifting away
To a hopefully non-eternal sleep
With a concoction of Benadryl and Zofran

Autopilot
Numb
It's the way I've lived
Foggy; visually and mentally
Living like I'm wearing
A pair of glasses
But both of the lenses
Are cracked
Unusable
Disconnected
Wanting to feel something
Other than
Numb

Untitled
The simple things become not so simple
The nights become days
It's there and it's gone
My brain clouds up, like the fog on a lonely Tuesday morning

Emotionally, I'm 15
Processing my emotions
The way a sophomore in high school
Wastes away while juuling in the bathroom

My mom
Doesn't even acknowledge
That this is hard for me too
Giving up my escape from reality

I wish I had
The words to say
The self respect I deserve
But I'm sitting in my bed
Watching the day melt away in the window

Goodbye..?
You're not a part of my life anymore
I miss you more than anything
My best friend
You calmed me down
Made me the life of the party

You're not a part of my life anymore
Everywhere I look
There you are
Constant reminders of what used to be

You're not a part of my life anymore
You make me cry
Paranoia sets in
I feel sick
Losing my guts, my water in my veins
IVs, a crying mother, a loss of life

You're not a part of my life anymore
- so why do I still want you to be?

Alcohol
It is beginning again
The endless cycle
Where I make excuses
And fall into my addiction
I need to stop
But I can't
I want to stop
But I won't
I must hold onto
Every single memory
I have made this past year
Because soon
They will slip away
As I sip on
My fourth beer