⚠︎︎DANGER⚠︎︎ SLIM SHADY IS HORNY

The Final End

There's this numbness you get when you're tired, so tired of caring about something. You exude such mental energy as you go through the motions of your emotions. I felt that way when I snapped tonight.

I told him that I had stopped loving him and to be fair, I wasn't lying to him... at least not completely. In that moment, when he allowed me to beat him up, I told him I stopped loving him, but that wasn't the moment I stopped loving him. When I felt his warm fingers wrap around my neck, choking the person he claimed to care about, cutting off my air supply, that's the moment I stopped loving him.

That's the moment I realized how tired I was of caring how he would react to the negative truth of my feelings. It didn't matter because clearly he'd hurt me whether I reacted negatively or not.

I felt this numbness as I sat in the bath tub. Growing up, living on my own, I never used a bath tub. Not once. Not that I wasn't able to, I owned one, but I was never in a need to feel secure. I felt secure in my life until he came into the picture. I never second guessed myself, I saw myself as good, I saw myself as clean. But anytime he'd scream at me, put his hands on me, or come inside me, I felt dirty.

That's all I thought over and over again.

Dirty, Dirty, Dirty

The soap I wash myself with repeatedly, the water that I make slightly hotter with every new bath. Maybe if I make it hot enough I can burn his touch off my skin, make me clean again...? It all contorts into, 'What the fuck am I doing with my life? Is this even a life I'm living? It's his life, my life is his now.'

"Valerie?" A dark voice whispers.

Oh right, I'm still here, scrubbing myself... not just scrubbing, scratching. Either I was dissociating incredibly hard or my eye sight was somehow impaired during the entire situation because I can finally see again. I was on auto-pilot the entire time...

My arms are red and covered in suds. I soon see two other hands on either side of my body come into my line of vision. He wraps his body around me, grabbing my arms with his, stopping me from scarring myself any further.

"Baby what are you doing to yourself?" Just his mere touch makes me want to die. I want to push him away, screaming at the top of my lungs. 

I'm silent, still, so still it even scares me a little. He pushes me further with a 'hm?' as I stare down at our hands.

How? How can someone be so casual about ruining another person? Absolutely tearing them apart? How? How, how, how, how?

"You make me feel dirty" I finally whisper, allowing my lips to form into a firm line. I'm clenching my jaw to attempt stopping myself from crying.

He doesn't respond, instead, he makes it worse, kissing me softly on the neck multiple times.

"Stop, you're making it worse" I choke out, trying to move out of his grasp.

"Well baby, I don't know what you want me to do... tell me and I'll do it" he whispers, resting his chin on my shoulder.

What do I even respond with...? I don't even know the answer to that. I don't know what can help me right now. I feel utterly destroyed.

"Dry me off, I don't want to be in here anymore" is all I let out. It won't make me feel much better but I feel too exhausted to do it myself.

He quickly washes the left over soap off my body and grabs a towel from the rack before coming back over with it. He lifts me wet body out of the water, not caring that I'm drenching his shirt. He wraps my body in the towel, patting me off.

"Val you're red all over..." he quietly notes, looking at all the areas I scrubbed and scratched at profusely.

"Dirty" I state without any other context, hoping he pins two and two together.