What If Im The Monster - Gabbie Hanna X Shuckle

What If IM the monster?

I climbed out of my bed and watched myself implode a morning without a breakfast oughta be the girl to take a bowl off. My stomach is hungry and i'm searching for some cereal but every time i find it my mother screams oh no you don't. Woah. But it's fine, I don't even want cap'n crunch from time to time.

Speaking of crunch, one of my teeth fell out last night. I left it under the pillow for the tooth fairy, but the tooth fairy doesn't come when you're 30. Yeah, I think that the tooth fairy should accept dentures. The tooth fairy only cares for rich children, not adults with dental issues (not to mention mental issues). This really says a lot about wealth inequality in this country, and society at large. But don't take it from me, guys, I'm just a 30-year-old 15-year-old!

Anyways, my book is a bestseller, if by bestseller you mean someone bought it once. It's full of poems, if by poems you mean poems that I stole from Rupi Kaur, who stole it from Tumblr. Time is relative, family is relatives, and if the world was ending, I'd go to an all you can eat buffet. Most would not understand the deepness of that one right there.

Anyways, today I am going to go to vidcon. They banned me because I called in a bomb threat, but trust and believe I am still showing up.

And by bomb threat I mean I threatened to sing monster at full volume. And it was going to be a blast!!

Now I'm at the Vidcon doors, I'm so excited to see Joey Graceffa. He is SOOO hot. I love his critically acclaimed music. He might be a queer, but I have ADHD so if he doesn't make out with me he is ableist.

Okay, so Joey said no.

I know a way to win his love. He is obsessed with pokemen (and men in general, god he's such a queer), so I will get one for him. Overwhelmed, overworked, overpaid, I've gotta get Joey graceffa a pokemon or I'm not getting laid.

Well he wasn't dtf but he liked the plushie so I'd call that a success.

I guess he needs the real deal.

I'm now crying in the vidcon sewer. Shane Dawson looks so good in this lighting owo. They kicked him out because he's not legally allowed within 5 feet of cats. Anyways, I heard that if I wanted a pokeman this was the place to go.

"Well we only have one left", said Ryland.

God why is Ryland so annoying and gay. He's like if Caillou was even more sickly and slightly less of a queer.

"Here's Shuckle", Ryland whispered sensually, "Shane look at me not the animal please".

Why is it so anthropomorphic? Also, it's tentacles are so long, but I don't know if they'll be enough for Joey Graceffa's loose self.

God I really do take the stereotypes of gay people and promiscuity to heart. Speaking of gay stereotypes, HI PERSON READING THIS!!! But yeah, love is love! Unless you're a queer <3.

Shuckle comes over towards me, God he's so slow. I feel his legs on me. They're so slimy like the sewer from which he emerged, yet with him it wasn't gross at all. It was almost soothing, like this is where I was meant to be, my primordial home. Yet he still moved back, making sure that I wasn't uncomfortable or disgusted around him.

Why is he so... thoughtful? I can tell that he cares about me and my emotions, even though he's a bootleg pokemon being sold on the black market by a zoophile.

"Ara ara", shuckle moans.

His shell bulges. Damn that thing is firm.

Forget Joey, I want this anthropomorphic rock turtle. I think we were meant to be, he's the only one who will listen to me sing and not be injured because his defense stats are so high.

People lie for this, people die for this, people shuckle and fuckle some guy for this. Pay the toll for this, sell their hole for this, play my part but what's my role in this?

Yeah, that's my new single.

Shuckle told me that if it gets three streams, Joey will have a threesome with us.

Back at vidcon, tana mongoose, or whatever that fried banana looking ass's name is, was getting fucked by a toothbrush. Shuckle wanted a piece, but I restrained him.

Yeah I'm getting weird stares from everyone for riding this anthropomorphic turtle all day, but who cares anyways? Love is love, right?

Unless I was a guy.

Wait.

Did shuckle trans my gender?

Oh no.

Joey, I'm Gay?

But I hate gays.

People love that I hate myself
Yeah, they love that I hate myself
People love that I hate myself
People love that I hate myself
People love that I hate myself