February 3.
2:11 am, Sunday.
I cannot grasp the concept of love.
Call me odd, because I know it's stupid, but I can't believe in having that strong, powerful, connection towards a person that you like. And it weirds me out that I cannot experience it. No matter how much women I look at or how much beautiful, gorgeous, and attractive people I see, I cannot find that bond with that person. I actually hate it, I really do dislike it. No matter how many people ask me out, or how many private messages I acquire, it doesn't click.
The experience of loving someone must be the best feeling ever. A leaf in the harsh, course wind meets an abundance of flowers in a mistful fields with fancy music playing in the background; that must be the feeling of loving someone. At the same time, you have to put effort and trust into loving someone, and you make it a dedication of trusting and caring for them. It's the bond that people have that create that charismatic feeling of happiness, something I don't know if I'll ever get.
Do I want to put that much effort in a relationship? Dealing with many bickerings or fights on how we don't work well together? I really don't think I can see myself doing that. The movies I always watch where the husband and and wife deal with some crazy scenario, then ending up making up and getting married or some shit. Speaking of relationships, cheatings really common too, as the husband or wife usually get bored of the individual and find someone else behind the individuals back. Stupid right?
On the other hand, some tv shows or movies find relationships to be comedic or funny, and some are just flat out perfect and golden. I get that it's fake, and they're just actors, but do couples in real life relate to certain romantic films? Like, a couple can be straight out of the movie where the "fake" actors don't get into any fights, and just show public affection out of the blue everyday. Are couples like that in real life?
Either or if theyre fake or not, one thing always appears on their face when they like each other: a meaningful, most happy, and a gigantic, bright smile. That action called smiling is something I can't do for my life. But, smiling based on what Ive seen and how people outside do it is an action that you're genuinely happy, and that there's energy in you that makes you feel that way. See, this is what i want in my life. But I don't even think it's necessary to me.
To me, love is not something you need, it's a want. You want love, but you don't exactly need it as its not a necessity, it's something you want in your life. It's like seeing a special piece of clothing that you like a lot but you can't get it, which is totally fine. The piece of clothing is a want, but you can live without it. This is how I often portray love as an analogy, but it's not exactly accurate.
Sounds dramatic. I think I'll stop now.
In the hollyberry kingdom I don't necessarily do stuff, but I still make myself productive. Today, for example, I helped a few citizens in this velvet town with restoration of the cottages, it seemed like the berry juice tubes broke. Didn't take too long but it was difficult in some ways. Also, I attended a meeting that hollyberry hosted; it seemed that the community is well put together, as they're really joyful and get along well. She discussed to me and a few other loyal members of the domain of the hollyberry kingdom that decorations need improvement, as they look rather rusted or damaged.
Cake monsters, tarantulas, wild lions, and enraged citenzens often roam this kingdom for an unanswered reason. I don't get how they get in with our top notch security but they do somehow; it gets taken care of anyways. I've had my experience of facing troublesome monsters that are actually difficult to defeat or capture. These experiences lead to trips to the hospital as nurses treat my wounds, also giving me stitches sometimes if the gash is severe.
A guise of toughness is always on my face, and I cannot show emotion as I will forever be chivalrous with my actions. I don't like smiling, or crying, or I don't like laughing either, just a straight face and a straight posture is all I need to succeed. My neighbor, and considered "friend" to herself raspberry cookie, always tells me that I'm to stern with myself or that I'm too rude to citizens. Although it's not entirely false, I can't help myself. There's no way everyone deserves kindness in this world, or an enthusiastic mood when talking too; sometimes all they can get is a monotone voice so they can go away and leave me alone.
Me myself is not an extrovert, and will never be one. Based on what I've delt with in my childhood of being isolated in my room my entire life because my parents were to busy dealing with work and bothering paying attention to me really fucked me up. I couldn't go outside because of the monsters lurking out despite there being guards in every inch of the town, and I couldn't have any friends either. Many people looked at me when I was a child and gave silent judgment by eyesight. Understanding why, I was never the normal kid when I was a child, I was a big guy by genetics and is pretty strong for an average child.
During the day when I was little I actually helped with the adults around the kingdom with carrying objects or building cottages. Being happy with my job of being useful my parents thought it was time to recruit me back to staying in house because of the monster outrage going through with the infamous dark enchantress cookie gathering soul jams and so call "taking over the world" with her minions.
After that shortly, I grew up alone now since I had no connections with people. I often blocked people away from knowing me or even talking to me too. It felt too time consuming and energy draining to keep up with a person, and it bothered me to even talk to my parents too.
Isolating myself was the best bet in my perspective, and there's nothing bad about it or anything negative to it too. Raspberry cookie is okay, she's my neighbor and co worker of the hollyberry union and helps me out with guard duty. She's a little too energetic though, and a reason why to sometimes avoid her. Very kind though, sometimes delivers me food if she cooked any even though she knows I'm the better cook.
My cottage is not that big, but it's bigger than most residents living in this neighborhood. Being one of hollyberry cookies most prized guards and helpers she did order workers to make a fairly big house which I am forever greatful for.
It has the average kitchen, bathroom and bedroom complex, but a few scarcely decorated living rooms, a dining room and a few other unnecessary rooms too. I'm not that good at designing homes, or picking out my clothes either. I just wear my average steel uniform with my headband usually when I'm heading out for duty.
I don't want to talk about work though, gross, talking about work while I'm supposed to resting in my home. It's so boring in this home though, and it's practically too late to even go out in this late of an evening. Listening to the peaceful silent breeze outside brisking my hair was tranquiling enough for me to make my eyelids slowly shake. I'm running out of ink myself, my quil feather has been through hell probably.
Silent cricket noises drizzle amongst the scenery as Wildberry Cookie looked outside the window.
I'll be ending here for tonight. I have border duty from 8pm - 6am, can't wait for a boring shift. Before I clock in I'll help the community for average deeds of helping the elderly and cleaning the town roads.
Farewell, I will hope to write again soon.
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