My Life on the Orville

Chapter 8: Weirdest Ship in the Fleet

Simulator Room

Currently, I am in the simulator room with Ed and Gordon trying out Gordon's new Western program. Gotta say, riding a horse is actually rather fun! And the outfits we get to wear; I'm already in love with them. Might have to make a Western program of my own some time.

"That's far enough Señor," the character that Gordon created said to us, all sitting on our horses. "It's over, Vasquez, surrender now and maybe we'll ask the judge to go easy on you," Ed replied. "I think maybe you are blind Señor. You're outnumbered, and my rifle is aimed at your head," Vasquez said in response. "There's an entire regiment on the way. Give yourself up or you die here," I told him. "You are bluffing, there is no cavalry," he said. "You willing to take that chance?" Ed asked him. "You shoot us, you'll hang for it," I added. "Perhaps we settle this the traditional way," he inquired. "You mean a showdown. If that's the way you want it" Ed gathered. "No, Señor. We will have a dance contest," Vasquez said, surprising both Ed and me. "Wait, what? What is this, man? What-what... this-this is where we're supposed to have the showdown yeah? What the hell is this?" I asked, looking right at Gordon since he seemed to be the only person not confused by the situation. "I have taken many years of jazz and tap. If you can beat me in a dance off, I will surrender," Vasquez continued. "Gordon, what the hell is going on, man? What is this?" Ed asked, equally as confused as I was. "I messed around with the program. I wanted, I wanted to mix it up a little bit. You don't like it?" Gordon replied. "I infuse many different styles of choreography to make the steps my own. You will be defeated, Señor," Vasquez said. All of a sudden the door to the Similar Room opened and Bortus appeared. "Captain, I must speak with you immediately," Bortus demanded. "Bortus, can't it wait, man? We're in the middle of a game here," Ed said. "It is a matter of great urgency," Bortus replied. "All right, I'll be right back. Hey, while I'm gone, fix this thing, huh?" Ed asked Gordon. "Ok will do," Gordon replied. "You like it, right Chloe?" Gordon asked me as soon as Ed was out of the room. "Honestly, I kinda do, I could totally take this guy in a dance off," I told Gordon, smiling the entire time.

Ed's Office (Ed's POV)

"All right, what is so urgent? You know, I get, like, one free hour a week," I said and I replicated myself a cup of coffee. "I am here to request that we alter course," Bortus said. "Alter course? To where?" I asked him in response. "Moclus," Bortus replied. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up. This is, this is not another baby thing, is it?" I asked, genuinely concerned after what happened last time. "No. Sir, you are aware that Moclans urinate only once per year," Bortus explained to me. "I am, yeah," I replied, not knowing at all where this was going. "It is my time," Bortus simply said and it immediately clicked in my brain.

Briefing Room (Chloe's POV)

"Okay. Now, I know this is gonna sound utterly insane to most of you and your first instinct may be to laugh, but we're all going to take this seriously, so I don't want to hear any jokes, no snide remarks, nothing. Now... Chloe?" Ed said as all attention diverted to me. "We're diverting course to Moclus to... watch Bortus pee," I managed to say. "You want to, you want to elaborate on that?" John asked. The door opened and Bortus appeared. Just in time, I said to myself. "I am sorry to be late, Captain," Bortus said as he took a seat. "No, Bortus, actually, you're just in time. I think it's best if you explain the ceremony to the group," Ed suggested. "Yes, sir. Once a year, every Moclan must prepare for this Ja'loja, the Great Release. They must travel to their N'kafas, a place they select during childhood. There, amidst family and friends, a Moclan urinates, signifying a cleansing of the spirit and the beginning of a new year in his life. As you are all my closest friends, I would like you to be there," Bortus said. "What if it's, like, a windy day?" Gordon asked. Oh no here we go I thought. Luckily, Bortus just ignored the question entirely and kept going. "The ceremony is followed by a celebration for which the Captain has allowed the use of the Orville's mess hall. You are all invited to attend with a mate," Bortus said. "Okay. Any questions?" I asked the group. "Yeah, like a million, but I'm not gonna ask," John said. "Union Central has granted clearance for the diversion as the course aligns with outpost 58, where, as you all know, we're scheduled to take on board our new dark matter cartographer. And Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself," Ed said. "No it's-it's okay, man. He's just taking the piss out of you," Gordon replied while laughing. "Okay, that's it. Dismissed. We're done. We're done," Ed said, frustrated that Gordon couldn't stay professional.