Friends Oneshots

Spark

"How the hell did Ross convince us to do this?" Chandler whisper-yells, opposite room from the lesbians on the couch.

"Don't ask me!" Joey whisper-yells back.

"Is he paying us?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

"Then why are we still here?"

"I mean... they have a platter of the good cheese."

"... true."

"And Ross is out with Ben, their friends canceled on them...."

"Still not really seeing how this is our problem."

"Just humor the lesbians! He said he wouldn't be too long."

"Fine," they re-enter the living room, sitting opposite Susan and Carol.

"We were not talking about you," Joey clarifies.

"Thank you for telling us," Susan responds sarcastically.

"So uh, Ross tells us you're roommates. How's that?" Carol starts some small talk.

"It's cool," Joey responds.

"A tad tedious at times, this joker always leaves the lid up on the toilet," Chandler feigns annoyance, hooking his thumb at Joey.

"Yeah. I remember what it was like when Susan asked me to move in with her. It's all rose-colored glasses the first year or so. But if you really love someone you overlook the little things," Carol says, patting Susan's hand affectionately.

"Well, I wouldn't say that," Joey mutters.

"Yeah. There was nothing rose-colored. I hated the guy when he first moved in. I opted for the one who knew all those models, but he didn't show," Chandler jokes.

"And I thought he swung the other way, if ya know what I mean," Joey whispers to the couple.

"Of course, they know what you mean, they're lesbians!" Chandler pauses. "Respectfully."

"No, I know exactly what you mean. Hey, I opted for the paleontologist for goodness sake!" Carol laughs. (Fyi, paleontology is a very sexy field. Paleontologists are some slick mf-ers. Mary Anning was hot as hell and I'm pretty sure she was a lesbian too, so hah.)

"How did you two meet?" Susan inquires, folding her hands neatly on her lap.

"... roommate interviews?"

"Really? Ross said you met at that nice little club downtown. Susan and I love that place. Meet our friends there all the time," Carol says, surprised.

"Uh- what bar?" Chandler says, already dreading the answer and plotting Ross's murder.

"You don't mean—" Joey starts.

"Rainbow In The Dark? Lovely joint. Our friend Tommy's boyfriend owns it," Susan notes.

"You mean the... the one with all the male exotic dancers?" Chandler says through gritted teeth.

"I mean, they have female dancers too. They just tend to attract more gays than lesbians, not that that stops us from partying," Carol does a little raise-the-roof motion.

"Do they think—?" Chandler turns to Joey, wide-eyed.

"I think so."

"Hey... just out of curiosity, what else has Ross said about us?"

"He says you're saving up to move out to the country. And that you're in the process of adopting a four-year-old girl named Lahna. Good luck by the way," Susan says encouragingly.

"Oh! And that Joey is going to be on the next season of Queer Eye. We love that show!" Carol adds enthusiastically.

"Hey! Why me? Why not Chandler? At least he looks queer," Joey protests.

"Dude. Really?"

"Ooo! And Rachel said Chandler was a bottom which we frankly did not need to know and I'm not quite sure how she knows but..." Carol trails off.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me!" Chandler throws his hands in the air dramatically.

"Well, you would definitely be the bottom. Y'know if we..."

"Please stop talking."

"What do you mean if?" Carol asks.

"Oh my god. They aren't together! Ross can be such an ass!" Susan chuckles.

"You're kidding? I'm so, so sorry," Carol says sincerely. Susan apologizes too.

"Nah, nah. It's ok! We get mistaken for gays looking to adopt at least twice a week!" Chandler comments sarcastically.

"It's just... I can believe you guys aren't together. You guys just have a kind of spark. Like in your eyes when you look at each other. That's how I looked at Susan before I... well, realized I was a lesbian," Carol says.

"Yeah! Every time I see you guys at like a party or something you always seem so close. Lots of chemistry there. Our wedding, oh my god! You guys got all drunk and made out under one of the tables," Susan recalls.

"Excuse me? Pretty sure I would remember kissing that mug," Joey says, gesturing towards Chandler.

"Well, at least I'm not going to be on Queer Eye."

"Of course you wouldn't remember! Joey, you would take a drink of wine and then kiss Chandler and like, swap alcohol in your mouths and stuff. It was kind of gross to watch, actually," Carol says.

Well, Joey and Chandler will never look at each other the same again.

When Ross finally brings Ben back, the three of them have a sternly phrased chat.

When they get back home, Chandler scolds Rachel and has an in-depth conversation mostly consisting of Chandler asking what about him makes him seem like a bottom.

After that, Chandler and Joey head back to their apartment and have a very short discussion which will be left up to your imagination.