Knotty AND Nice (SNOCKHART)

1: THE MEETING

It was a cold December morning at hogwarts high, and everyone was feeling the spirit of the season.

ESPECIALLY one Gilderoy PerkyTits Lockhart.

He was already decked out in holiday gear: his red leopard print leather jacket with fur trim from Lucius Malfoy's luscious pubes made by the sweat and tears of enslaved and abused house elves. The red may have been blood.

Dressed head to toe like Saint Nick, all he REALLY WANTED was some DICK.

He was so excited to be the prettiest princess at the annual hogwarts Christmas luau.

He wondered who would be lucky enough to get a smoochy-smoochy from him tonight, and who would get intoxicated and lonely enough to go home with him.

Last year, it was McGonagall. The year before that, it was Hagrid...and Filch. And Mrs. Norris, because Filch claimed that otherwise, she'd get jealous.

He donned his favorite open-toed Christmas croc high-heels with fuzzy insides and sequined outsides. He knew he would outshine all the other underpaid staff members who were blackmailed into going to the party instead of going home on Christmas Eve.

That evening, Gilly-Roy marched down the stairs, his sexy schoolgirl skirt swaying with the movement of his voluptuous child-bearing hips.

For like twenty-seven minutes, all that was heard was Lockhart's squeaky shoes and the clap of his gigantic booty-cheeks.

He spun around like Cinderella at the ball, and sashayed right into Dumbledore, who was dressed in a slutty Merlin Halloween costume. You couldn't tell where Dumbledore's beard ended and his arm hair and pubes began. He spun around the enchanted stripper pole that was hovering 50 feet above the ground.

Lockhart rolled his eyes at the sight. Everyone knew Dumbledore was looking for a new bae ever since Grindlewald left him at the altar, but even Lockhart had more dignity than this.

Lockhart skedaddle-skedoodled over to his bestie, Slughorn. They had been in cahoots ever since Lockhart helped the geriatric slut magically enhance his gonorrhea from painful to orgasm-inducing. It really helped his quality of life.

On the downside, it did also mean Slughorn randomly got his jimmies rustled during teaching hours, which was a bit awkward for the students.

"Gurl you are SLAYINGGGG!!!!" Slughorn bellowed deeply as he began break-dancing excitedly. "Every guy in this bitch is staring at your ass!!!"

Lockhart blushed. "Oh my god, they are not!!" He said, even though they totally were.

"No, honestly, even Lucius is checking you out!"

"No, I'm not," Lucius Malfoy appeared out of thin air behind them, causing Lockhart's soul to momentarily flee his body. "I'm just window-shopping for a new slave to replace my old house elf. I'm tired of scrubbing my own socks."

Narcissa Malfoy rubbed her husband's shoulder supportively from his side as Lucius pouted.

"Wow that's like, so sad," declared Lockhart, who didn't actually care, and was distracting himself by staring at his own ass.

"It's nice to see you again, Gilderoy." Narcissa stared at him like she wanted to make his skin into a leather bag. "Have you reached a decision yet on where your loyalties lie?"

"For the last time, you whore: I'm not joining Voldemort's shitty boyband..."

"He has a band?" Filch looked very lost.

"Stop being disrespectful or I will release your and Trelawny's freaky sex tape." Narcissa held no mercy.

Lockhart didn't know how she'd have that footage, but he would not put it past her, so he very gracefully, adorably and sexily changed the conversation topic.

"So who do you think is the hottest boy here?"

"UHHHHHH????" Filch's answer had less to do with his actual opinion and more to do with the fact that he was being dragged away unwillingly by a stray Roomba.

"None of them, I'm gay and I'm in a loveless marriage." Narcissa tells it as it is.

"Well Snape is looking kind of nice tonight," Lucius mused tipsily.

"Snape?" Lockhart turned around to see where Lucius was looking in the crowd and gasped and immediately began aggressively ovulating at the sight.

Severus Snape was a bonafide SNACC. He was dressed in khaki cargo shorts, which showed off his bony legs and knobby little girl knees. He didn't have any shoes, and his twisted little toes were widespread on the floor like he was hugging it with his feet. His hair was full of slimy, wet worms. He was shirtless, his majestic abs on full display.

"Omg," Lockhart said out loud, already so wet he was literally trailing a lil snail-trail on the castle floors. "He's so...scrumptious..."

"You could do better," slurred a passing Dumbledore, on his way to recruit back-up dancers for his impromptu play about colonialism and it's consequences.

"No, he really couldn't." Narcissa was really fucking rude tonight.

Cockhart could barely hear them though. He was too distracted by the way Snape was VIOLENTLY hitting the griddy. His movements...they were so seductive...

"Where do you think McGonagall's clothes go when she turns into a cat?" Filch was back, and he had apparently managed to lose the roomba. He was dripping with punch, and no one asked why.

Snape had gotten close enough that he managed to overhear. "Filch, if you keep asking these questions it's gonna get back to her."

Lockhard's bootyhole quivered in arousal as he caught a whiff of the other man's scent. Mmm...burning hair...yum...

He may have just found his next victim...