The Road To Nowhere

neil - eight

I wouldn't have minded living in the Holiday Inn for the rest of my life.

My father's funeral weighed down my mind, but Eva lying beside me calmed me somehow. The soapy scent of her shampoo, the vanilla body lotion she used, her hair falling in her face, the pudge of her thighs. All of it.

I wasn't sure why I was so attracted to her all of a sudden. I'd always viewed her as my best friend, but nothing greater than that. It wasn't until the past two days that I wanted to know her in a deeper way, as more than a good friend. It freaked me out if you want to know the truth. But it also excited me.

I wasn't used to showing my feelings. My father always told me to keep all of the bad things inside me. He said "real men" know how to keep themselves under control. It was getting harder and harder to follow this advice, though. I'd almost lost myself in the car, not to mention the awful dream I had the night before.

As Eva slept, I stroked her hair with my fingers. I liked the way she felt up against me, the pressure of her knees poking at my stomach. It was around two in the afternoon.

Eva opened her eyes. She must've heard me moving.

"You move a lot when you sleep," she announced.

I laughed a little.

"I have a lot going on in between my ears."

"I know," she said.

My eyes strayed away from her. I still didn't know what to say.

What had come of this relationship? We'd slept in the same bed, rather close together. She'd witnessed me in two of my most vulnerable states, in a high state of panic, mourning the complex relationship between my father and I. The horrible, terrible dream.

"How do you feel?"

    
"Still not great," I said. "It's just strange, you know. I think what really freaked me out was how the trailer was exactly the same as it was when I was eighteen. It didn't even shift, not even an inch. And, my dad did so many things to me in there. Really bad things. Things I won't even tell you about. But I'm not happy he's gone. I miss him. I just wish I could've..."

I couldn't finish the sentence due to the catch in my voice. I cleared my throat and blinked, pretending I was only coughing. Thankfully she didn't seem to notice my distress.

Eva rolled out of bed, striding over to the window and peering out at the little patch of grass outside. Her back was tense and she kept looking over at me like I had done something wrong.

Nerves spiked up in my stomach. Did she regret it? God, what if she only slept in my bed because she felt bad for me?

"What do you wish you could have done?"

My throat and eyes felt like they'd gone up in flames. My cheeks ran hot with embarrassment as I battled back the tidal wave of emotions threatening to spill from my eyes and mouth. I pretended to cough again.

"I wish I would have said goodbye to him. Made some kind of peace with him, before he died." I exhaled and kept going. "I should have known he was gonna die sooner or later. He ate like shit. Smoked like a campfire. Drank enough to drown somebody. I should've known."

Eva stepped toward me and put her arms around my torso before I could say anything else. I buried my head in the crook of her neck. I'm sure if I had been in a different state of mind, the act would have been uncomfortable, but instead I dissolved into her grip. She didn't say anything, either, allowing me the physical touch I hadn't had in so long. I began to tremble.

"I want to go back," I said. "I need to see it one more time. Then I'll never come back to this town again."

    
"We can go now, if you want," she said. The vibration of her voice was in my ear. She didn't pull away to look me in the eye. I didn't want to go just yet. I was still so shaken from the first time.