ZDMN: Of Dreams and Fantasies

Nights of Introspection

It was all quiet, too quiet. No words, no thoughts, no emotions. He felt like was drowning.

The sleepless nights were back. The nightmares were back. They were not the same though. Param Bhaiya still died in them, but this time he killed him. Voices echoed in his head, of him accusing Bhaiya about betraying the country, of bhaiya accusing him of forgetting him, of not rescuing him, of taking his place.

Karan sighed and sat up. He picked the blanket up from side covering monami as she shivered a little. It was full moon, the terrace was lit up with streaks of moonlight that sneaked through the plants, picking up the diary from the side, he made himself comfortable. But no words came. All he could remember were the accusations, tears and blood so much of it. His hoodie soaked up in it, his hands shivering as his brother died in his arms.

"Deep breaths Karan, deep breaths!" he calmed himself down.

Ever since he'd come to know the truth, he'd been preparing himself for this. For the truth to come out, for Param Shergil to be punished for his deeds but it had still not been easy.

He looked at the scar marring his hand, it was healing. But the scar will always remain, afterall 2 back to back bullet shots will leave some mark. Emotional one as well because his bhaiya had shot those bullets, at him.

"Meri toh pehchan hi do cheezon se thi. Ek solider aur ek aapka chota, mai karan toh bahut baad mai bana bhaiya, phele toh humesha "chota" tha na. Toh aapne kaise soch liya? Kaise soch liya ki maine aapko jaan bujhker rescue nhi kiya?"

She wiped that single tear that dropped down his eye and he buried his face in her hair.
"He was ill. You know it Karan."
He looked away. "But kahi na kahi sahi toh vo bhi the na, maine unhe nhi bachaya. Unhe bharosa tha mujhpr."

"Don't! Ye guilt apne sarr mat lo karan. Tum jaante ho tumhari galti nhi hai. Kisi ko nhi pta tha ki param bhaiya zinda aur vo body kisi aur ki hai. They burnt that whole building karan. Toh tumhe, baki officers ko kaise pta lgta ki vo param bhaiya nhi hai."

"Mujhe na kisi cheez pr ab bharosa nhi rha. Aise lgta hai jaise ab kuch bhi ho skta hai. Mere Param bhaiya jaan chidakte the apne desh par monami. Tumhe pta hai, mai 11 saal ka tha jab bhaiya apne phele NDA exam ki tayari kr rhe the. I used to be very excited about it." His voice broke as he spoke. "Harr time unhe follow krta rehta tha jab vo excercise kr rhe hote the. Unhi se sikha tha ye maine!" He looked at her, eyes fled with tears, holding on to her hands tightly.

"Kartavya, sahas aur balidaan, desh ke khatir, desh ke naam." He wiped his tears, "unhone sikhaya tha mujhe."
Monami watched him close his eyes and lean against the pillows. She didn't know. Didn't have a single clue on how to reduce his pain. So she did what she knew would help him, she hugged him tightly. Holding on to him as silent tears fell from his eyes.

"6 years is a long time Karan. Param Bhaiya in that time was physically and psychologically tortured. They played mind games with him. Cocktail of drugs, electric shocks, you know all this."
She held his face and made him look in her eyes as he tried to face the other way.
"Tumne psychiatrist ki reports dekhi hai. His body had so many injuries, years old jo heal nhi hui sahi se. Human brain can only hold on for so long karan. Humare jo vapas aaye vo humare Param Bhaiya nhi the, he was broken. Tumhe hi baat ko accept krna hoga!"

He took a deep breath as if trying to exhale all the pain and grief out of his body.

"Mai jaanta hu tum sahi ho. Vo thik nhi the. Aur hote bhi kaise, 6 years of torture, kisi ko bhi tod skta hai. Mere bhaiya bhi insaan hi the, mere liye mere superman the vo alag baat hai."

"I'll be fine Monami." He told her as they laid down on the mattress. She smiled at him. "I know. Hum sab thik honge."