𝗦𝗜𝗗𝗘 𝗦𝗖𝗘𝗡𝗘 ⨾ vernon

09 | 𝘀𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗵𝗲𝗲

He has just began being friends with me. He is the only guy I can talk to without thinking about my very astounding reputation at school. He is just... suddenly all over there in my life. And now, I'm seeing him in my dream.

We are at the terrace and the sky is holographic and has crystal clouds. I don't know what terrace this is. It almost looks like my school's.

Now, that's one place I wouldn't want to dream of. But my dream isn't real. And so, I want to dream.

The railings are long and chained and the rest of the scene is blurry. At the side of my vision, I can see Hansol in his school uniform. I don't know why I never noticed him all that well. That time when I checked him out through the bus-stand, it wasn't serious at all, and I could barely get a clear picture of what he's made of.

But God, oh good Lord, is he handsome.

I know this isn't real, but Hansol standing there, is real. The way my heart beats, seeing him, is real too. I know how things with my heart are, even in my dreams.

I rarely dream, compared to Yeonhee, who has dreams almost every night. Some are premonitions, some are her nightmares. It's mostly nightmares and Yeonhee gets a lot of them. I don't know if her dreams improved since she started dating my cousin, though. Are they back since they  broke up?

Blah. Why am I thinking about her in my dream?

I see that I am gripping the railing strong, and that the wind is chilly and it brings up my hair close to my face and blocks my view—which is—Hansol. I push my hair back and he turns to look at me with that million dollar smile of his.

How can a human being look so brilliantly abstracted? How am I the one getting to chat with him at 3 o'clock midnight? He is a freaking God and he should know that.

All of his beauty is amplified in the dream that I am having. I didn't know I had the capability of having such a beautiful, colorful and chill subconscious. Hansol brings the best out of me.

He moves towards me and leans his head on the railing and doesn't take his gaze away from mine. I realise I'm smiling with anticipation, too. I want something to happen now. Something that hasn't happened to me in my entire life. Something beautiful, just like the rest of the dream.

"In my free time I watch cats on YouTube," he says and I let out a chuckle. Of course it's a dream, but the way he's talking about cats as if it's the most important thing to be discussed in the entire world just sends me.

"Is it because of my profile picture?" I ask. Oh, so I'm not in control of my own dream, too. Gorgeous. Brilliant. But even though it's not an answer I would consciously give, it's what my subconscious answers for me. Weird enough, I don't disagree with what I ask.

"Uhm. I used to think they were cute. But you said they are memes." His smile is gone and I want it to come back.

With every word I say, I come closer to him. I do. I close any existing gap between us and lay my head down on my hands, and imitate his position. "I never said that. They aren't supposed to actually be memes, Hansol. They are supposed to be cute so that people release enough dopamine and eventually smile."

"That's a good choice, then." He smiles back and my heart just explodes in gigantic happiness.

"What are you thoughtful about?" I have never spoken to anyone with this kind of softness in my voice. "Apart from spending time with me?"

"I don't have to be thoughtful to spend time with you. We are stuck in some serious shit," he says, looking around, "but I am happy that it's you who I'm stuck with."

I look down as a rush of blood creeps up my cheeks. He touches my cheek and his finger trails down the length to my lips. He caresses them gently until I can hear his own heart. It's beating like crazy.

I don't know what pushes me, but I close the gap between our lips and kiss him softly. It's not a kiss, just our lips touching, but I can feel the sweetness and I can tell that he's nervous. He doesn't resist and we kiss for three seconds before I pull back.

I open my eyes in fear that I'll see him disappointed but his eyes are fixed on my lips. "I don't think you really know how to kiss."

"Huh—" Before I can comprehend what he's saying, he stands up straight, pulls me closer to him holding my waist in one hand, tilts my face with the other and kisses me. Like, actually kisses me.

I am hesitant to open my mouth first, but after he nods and makes me feel comfortable, I do and I kiss him just as much as I want. I run my hand through his perfectly done hair and caress his face while we're at it. We kiss and kiss and lose track of time. His tongue does wonders inside and plays carefully with mine. I try to imitate him and we end up laughing.

"It's your first time, isn't it?" The low rasp in his voice is tearing my insides apart.

I'm scared to look up at him, but then when I do, I don't see anything but pure affection in his eyes. I nod and he kisses me again. This time, using all the knowledge that he gave me ten seconds ago, I kiss him back.

My body arches towards him and I can feel it warming up. My hand travels to his neck and he moans softly. His breathing is heavy as we pull apart.

Swollen, pink and beautiful, his lips tempt me even more.

"I want more," I say and before he can reply, I pull his collar, stand on my toes, and kiss him again. He holds me close to him and doesn't let go. He pushes my back on the railing and gives me butterflies in my stomach. He gently kisses my cheeks, his hands travelling down my waist, and then even lower to my hips. I pull him closer to me and he plants down kisses on my neck, making me leave a soft moan.

I don't know what happens after this but I want to. I want to know how it feels to have someone look at you like you were the most precious and beautiful thing on the planet. I want to know how I can look at someone like that, too.

My heart is filled up with admiration for him as he holds my face with both of his hands and I hold his shoulders.

He says something with a beautiful red tint on his cheeks that I can't hear. Soon, I'm teleported to the school ground and I'm picking grass. Instead of admiration, now, my heart is filled with fear and ambiguity. I see Yeonhee coming towards me with a pair of scissors and instantly I end up in my room, panting for air and crying for reality.

My mom barges in my room, "Why are you screaming?"

"I'm good. I'm fine." I roll out of my duvet and close the bathroom door behind me as I enter.

For a moment, as I look at myself in the mirror, I can feel how frustrated I am to have seen something like that. My eyes have bags underneath them and it feels like I haven't slept in a million years. I almost forgot that I shared a kiss with Hansol in my dream and immediately cringe at myself for being such a pervert.

Sitting down at the bathroom floor, I shuffle my feet and make a ruckus of my hair, and let out frustrated grunts. What would he think of me if he knew I dreamt of kissing him? Why did Yeonhee have to destroy it all?

All of these questions pile up my head as I sit there and brush my teeth. Convincing myself that it's just a dream—which breaks my heart, since I really enjoyed that moment with him—I try not to get too worked up about it.

This is the most I'm going to experience romance in my life. Imagining myself in the terrace, kissing Hansol is just too much for reality. I can't think of something so impossible right now. Getting hurt is inherently my job now, so I might as well work with that.

But I never thought my mind could want my lips to touch Hansol's. I touch my lips where his were on before and remind myself of the sensation that gave me. I never knew it would feel so good to think that I might actually like him... more than a friend.