𝗦𝗜𝗗𝗘 𝗦𝗖𝗘𝗡𝗘 ⨾ vernon

15 | 𝘀𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗵𝗲𝗲

I did think about how I just let myself go when Yeonhee showed me the slightest bit of affection and consideration and how beautifully we could go on about her doing my makeup and we just being the best friends we used to be without mentioning whatever happened in between. I did think of that. I did wonder where all my self respect went. I did that. But the moment I saw her smile at me with those beautiful lips and eyes and the moment I noticed the beautiful soul she kept hidden under all the bars and locked doors, I decided to be present in the moment.

Maybe when the next Click changes our paths, we might not come back to what we are, so I'm just trying to get the most of a friendship that I built with someone who single-handedly has the entire power to break it down.

I do like it when I have Yeonhee beside me, I feel protected and cared for and occasionally, valued. Some times her words feel like hugs and when she speaks I feel that hug on me. Although it gets difficult when she stops hugging me, I had learnt how to not let her words be so powerful over me. And still, I let her rule me like I'm a toy.

Honestly, this toy is happy as long as the owner is kind.

To Yeonhee, I may just be a toy, but for Hansol, I'm a friend. And I'm finally getting to know how it feels like to be friends with someone.

And the more I keep thinking, the more I want this friendship to just stay as it is.

The dream that I got makes me nervous every time I think about it. It's crazy how much I want him. But I'm afraid he doesn't feel the same for me. If I do tell him I like him, it would definitely make things worse. I do not, in any possible scenario, want that to happen. And even after that I got carried away and kissed him.

A shitshow at most, but my life could do me a favour and end itself.

Maybe I didn't need to do that, maybe I really needed to stay away from him for the sake of me protecting my peace (or whatever is left).

And here I am at the school gates again, looking at Hansol's (oh so kissable) face. He knows nothing that goes on in my brain and I really hope he doesn't know how to read minds as well.

"Hey." He waves at me, but I turn away and start walking towards my bike. "Hey, Sanghee."

My cheeks burn with all the excitement my body is feeling that my brain doesn't want to register. "Hi." I turn back after I prepare myself to look at him. Two things that I tell myself are a) there's literally nothing there to overthink about this and b) hansol was probably kissed a lot back from where he is.

"Seungkwan went back home and uh... I heard there's no public transport today... so um," he sniffs and looks away for a moment before asking, "can I ride with you?"

I look down at my bike and envision this moment as of something straight out a romance novel. I ignore the sudden increase in the speed of my heart beating against my chest and say, "Yeah, yeah, definitely."

"Thanks." He hops on behind me and I ride away from the school neighbourhood.

"Hansol?" I try to be a little chatty while we share this awkward moment.

"Yeah?"

"What if my newfound popularity goes down the drill the next time the Click happens? Like the sudden shift." I ask him despite knowing he may not have an answer.

"I have a better question for that," he says and we cross the bus stand from where we parted our ways the first day (or night) I met him, "What if it was all done for the Clicks? Like I thought about it you know? What if we are in a simulation? Like a story? Novel?"

I stop my bike and turn my head to him, "Are you serious?"

"It's just a speculation. A theory," he says.

I look at the sky and wonder if my whole life was in fact a simulation, if whatever I've lived for and with and from has always been controlled. I wonder if me wondering if I am in a simulation causes much of a difference because it sure as hell disturbs the guy behind me.

"I kinda dig that." I restart peddling and Hansol starts telling all the theories he has thought about what's probably happening to us. Almost none of them are comforting, his mouth spews horror stories better than movies portraying them.

"I would love to hear more of these but before you hopped on my bike I forgot to ask you your address. If in your speculated simulation Sanghee knows your address, I'd null it."

"It's close by, almost reached. It's not that big of a city now is it?" He says and I can imagine an innocent smirk stacked up on his face. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Yes." I am good with secrets. No, I really am.

"I am starting to feel things I don't think are in my control. Do you think I will start to act like everyone else?" He asks and I stay quiet for a bit, trying to think about an explanation. "Also we reach two blocks from here."

If he's feeling such things, I need to be careful, too. But what is he feeling?

"Maybe you're experiencing something for the first time and aren't sure if it's real or not. Because, sometimes when we feel new things, and aren't able to locate from where inside us it comes from, we assume it's out of our control, when we merely just need to make space for that feeling." I do not know from where that came, but it's probably true. Maybe my psychology textbook resurfaced?

"I think you may be right. Here, this one." I look up at the one story house with faded yellow paint that looks like it needs a lot of upgrading. I assumed he would live in an apartment like I did, but he surprisingly lives in an actual house.

We get off my bike and I stand there while he heaves out a sigh and walks towards the main gate. "Wanna come inside? I don't think my dad's in there. Don't mind my brother, he's probably sleeping."

Hansol is calling me in? Even though I know this isn't supposed to mean anything, how can I not dream after that impulsive kiss I planted on his face like a shameless rat. "I think I am good. I'll just get back home."

"Oh... Oh, yeah. Alright. Um..." he starts fidgeting with the door lock and I start to fidget with my fingers behind my back.

I think a little more and just say, "Yeah, fuck it, who cares?" and open the door for him and I to get inside.