What I Feared the Most

Chapter 5

Julia awakened to find Wonho's foot in her face. They had spent the night lying head-to-toe, presumably to keep Wonho from getting any ideas, but she knew it was as much for her as it was for him. She found herself rather scandalized by the things that had popped into her mind. She had never been attracted to one of her clients before. This was new territory, but she knew that she must not act on it, or she would be fired. Even more grave than being fired was the danger that her feelings could cause her to lose objectivity and to make a mistake that could get Wonho hurt. Her final reservation was perhaps the one that was driving her hesitancy the most. She never wanted to be married. And if she didn't want to marry, then it seemed unfair to date anyone seriously. It was one thing to have a good time with a guy, but a quite different one to actually entertain serious feelings.

Julia slipped out of bed without waking Wonho. She happened to see the Gideon Bible on the nightstand. She was aware of the Gideons and how they left Bibles in every hotel room. She thought it might be the best place to have one. It had been quite a while since she had read anything from the Bible. So, she picked it up and did the thing her mother had always warned her not to do. She just cracked it open and decided to read whatever page it opened up to on its own. It was like the Christian equivalent of a crystal ball.

Her eye immediately fell on a verse from Job that someone had previously underlined. It was verse 3:25, and it said, "What I feared has come upon me. What I dreaded has happened to me." *

"That's just scary," Julia muttered to herself. She paused for a moment to ponder what it was that she feared the most. For Wonho, the answer would probably be obvious. He was afraid of heights, deathly afraid of heights. But Julia's fear was of a much less concrete type. If she were to put it in words, she would have to admit that her biggest fear was falling in love. It was messy and distracting, and inevitably, in her mind, it led to being locked up in a golden cage. It didn't matter how pretty the cage was, it was still a cage. What unnerved her about the verse she had just read was the idea that often our worst fears are realized; the thing we fear that most can end up being the very thing that comes upon us. She closed the Bible and set it down.

She sent a scowl Heavenward and said, "And you wonder why I don't read the Bible much. It's because of shit like this." She and God went way back. So, she never bothered to clean up her language around Him. As a child, she had adored God and everything that had to do with Him. As a teenager, she rebelled as most teens do. But as an adult, she had what could only be described as a tenuous truce with the Man upstairs.

Wonho stirred in bed and looked at Julia out of one eye while the other remained closed. "What are you doing up so early?" he asked in a sleepy voice.

"I'm sitting here rethinking all of my life choices," Julia replied sarcastically.

"Huh?" Wonho asked, blinking several times to get his eyes to focus.

"Don't worry about it. Go back to sleep," Julia said, hoping he would do just that because she didn't want him to see how much he affected her. She had always been good at her poker face, at never letting anyone see that they were getting to her, but Wonho had a way of breaking down her barriers and leaving her feeling vulnerable and exposed.

"I'm not sleepy anymore. Should we order breakfast?" Wonho asked.

"I guess so," Julia shrugged.

When their breakfast of toast and fruit arrived, Wonho began eating on the bed. "Come on up," he invited, but Julia stayed in her spot on the chair.

"Nah, she said. I don't want to get crumbs in the bed," she reasoned aloud.

"But it's a hotel. That's the fun of it. It's not your house, so, you can do all that stuff you would never do at home, like eat in bed," Wonho countered.

His logic was sound. So, against her better judgment, she sat down beside him in the bed and dug into the food ravenously. She hadn't realized how hungry she was.

"Here, try this," Wonho said, holding a fork with a strawberry towards her mouth. She allowed him to feed her the strawberry, all the while very aware of the intimacy of the action. If she didn't know better, she would think that he might be catching feelings for her as well. But she put that thought away, reminding herself that he was just a friendly guy.

Julia grabbed a glass of milk and drank it down to try to wipe the taste and the memory away of Wonho feeding her. When she set the glass down, Wonho was looking at her in amusement.

"What?" she snapped.

"You've got a little something ---." He reached out and wiped away Julia's milk mustache with his thumb. Julia froze in place, unable to move his hand away or tell him to stop. When Wonho saw her pupils widen, he knew she was feeling the same thing he was. He made no attempt to move his thumb. In fact, he continued to move it over her upper lip. Her breath caught and he saw an openness he had never seen in her before. He began to lower his head little-by-little. Julia couldn't move or breathe. She knew he was going to kiss her and no amount of inner scolding on her part was going to make her pull away.

When his soft lips finally met hers, she didn't even attempt to pretend she didn't want it. She kissed him with the same intensity with which she had eaten her breakfast, with the same urgency of a starving person seeing food for the first time in way too long. Wonho pushed the tray of food off the bed, and it landed on the floor with a loud clatter. Julia lay back, her black curls forming a starburst around her head. Wonho straddled her legs, hovering above her. He searched her eyes that were staring back at him without their usual edge. She wrapped her legs around him and pulled him down onto her. He let out a groan that seemed to be a mix of pleasure and pain. Then he started kissing her again on her lips, her eyes, her neck, her ears. He had never felt this way for anyone. He felt like he needed to say it, like it wasn't fair to kiss her like this without declaring his sincere feelings for her.

"I'm falling in love with you," he whispered into her ear. Suddenly, her body went stiff. She crawled out from beneath him and rolled off the bed.

"I need to go," she said frantically.

"Wait! What?! You can't go. You're my bodyguard!" Wonho protested.

"I'll go back to the office and have them send you someone else," she replied as she ran to her room to gather her things. Wonho followed her all around her room as she grabbed things and shoved them into her duffle bag.

"Was it the kissing?" he asked. Julia didn't reply but continued to cram things mercilessly into the bag. "I'm sorry! Listen, I'm really sorry. It won't happen again," he promised as he tried to grab her arm as she zipped by him. "What do I have to do?" he demanded. "Tell me what you want me to do," he pleaded. "Please!"

"I don't need you to do anything," Julia answered. "I've been compromised, and I can't continue as your bodyguard. I'm very sorry, but this is how it works."

"How what works?" Wonho said. "I thought we were vibing, but I was wrong, okay? I said I was sorry, and it won't happen again," he promised.

"But it will happen again. We both know it will, and I can't put you in danger by getting emotionally involved with you. It makes me less effective as a bodyguard. It's why my boss has a simple rule, 'Never screw your client'," she concluded.

"But we didn't," Wonho protested.

"But we wanted to, which is just as bad," Julia said as she slipped out the door. Wonho called after her, but she didn't turn around. When she had made it to the elevator, she raised her fist toward Heaven and said, "This is exactly the kind of shit I was talking about! You always make my worst fears come true, and I'm sick of it!"

In the silence that followed, she heard the words in her spirit, "It's so good to have you talking to Me again."

*Job 3:25, New International Version