Random poems

University

I feel so sick with stress, nerves, from sleepless nights in a bed I couldn't call my own,
This is where I'd chosen to be, I thought I'd known the path I took,
I didn't realise I'd feel so alone- I'd been depressed before, there was no doubt, 
But I hadn't readied myself for something like this.
My second night I'd cried- I wasn't homesick, I didn't like my home,
I missed the people around that helped me grow, people I'd taken for granted.
My friends were my family but my family were not friends,
I'd have given anything to be back with them now.

I'd been taunted with a room away from my relations, endless friends to make, opportunities,
But that room was lifeless, the friends asleep, the promised land make-believe,
No one would know where I was and no one would care,
I felt selfish for thinking I could die and remain unseen forever.
Sunrise was sneaking over the hills, it should have been beautiful,
But I was alone, it was up to me to appreciate its glow and I could not,
The steps around me were still cold to the touch, sweet plants grazing my arms like spiders.
I could not see it, nor feel its warmth.

I was not alone, not physically, there were hundreds of people, just like me, in those towers,
Maybe they were feeling alone too.
But it was just me in the world just then, shivering under lavender skies,
A thin cigarette rolling uselessly between numb fingers.
I watched the ash float away, soft and delicate, the smell acrid,
It was September, I knew that, but I could not think of anything more.
The sun had broken its promise, there was no warmth, no light,
The world was still a lifeless grey.

My lungs burned from holding it in, the lump in my throat refusing to dissolve,
My fingers itched to injure, to feel something, anything,
It would hurt, and I'd regret it,
But it was better than staying in this state forever.
My eyes didn't see, my ears didn't hear.
My touch wasn't real, I was just numb, even in my head,
Where I knew it wasn't cold, I wasn't even there,
Floating somewhere above my consciousness.

I could leave, I could run, 
Out-run my fears and responsibilities, go somewhere I wanted to go,
But I knew it wouldn't be enough, I would never be satisfied,
There was no running from something where I had nowhere else to turn.
I knew I should leave, go back inside, but I couldn't bring myself to move,
No thoughts to be had or plans to make,
Just nothing but the earth, and even that was absent.
Just a girl on her own in the world.