Live Wire

White Flag

Sometimes, I feel like the universe or God intentionally tries to spite me. We have a huge test in calculus today, and I, being completely engrossed in daily music-bumping excursions with my best friend throughout the week, forgot to fill up the gas tank. There's an expression in the south that one can drive all the way to Chicago on an almost empty tank-- guess that doesn't apply when you actually live here. 

I'd gone back into the house to put on my good sketchers since the school was practically 10 mins away from our home by car. The walk would probably be 30 minutes give or take. Senseless, I know, but, in all honesty, I could use the time to clear my head. My thoughts have been eating at me lately.   

"Honey," Mom's voice prompted me to turn just in time to catch the umbrella she threw my way. I sheepishly grinned and mumbled my thanks. I could feel the heat of her scrutiny practically dragging its weight across my forehead. A heavy gaze she's had since I told her the reason I'm walking to school this morning.

"Mhm," she gave me a knowing look. "I know if you got that head of yours wet, you'd really be doing some crying." 

"Ma!" I whined. 

"Don't 'ma' me," she sternly said with a hint of amusement in her eyes. " this is the most I've ever seen you putting so much emphasis into that head of yours," amusement twinkled in her eyes. "Do you think I wouldn't notice? 'Bout makes me think it's 'cause of something...or someone."

My body stiffened in response to her casual comment. I've always been intricate about my looks, so I didn't feel I was being that obvious. I got teased often as a kid about my bulbous nose and big lips that seemed to swallow my little chin at the time. Then again, Kindergarten, I'm sure, has been deemed one of the lesser evils of our general lifepath to adulthood. Still, the experience caused me to put a little more care into my beauty routine as I've grown. In my eyes, I was still doing it for me. This time, there just happened to be someone who I'd like to notice my efforts, too. But..I wasn't ready to disclose that want to anyone-- to the actual person, let alone my mother, just yet. Especially since I've been in a silent war of "who can ignore who the longest", with said someone. A war I can admit, I started and may have been deeply regretting. I just couldn't fathom why someone who I barely even met bothered me so much. Missing a voice or presence I hadn't even had the time to get used to.  But I did-- and terribly. 

"Now gone head and get outta here before you any later than you already are," she continues, "and you better not miss not another test either lil' girl." After a beat of silence she turns around and says with a little more force, "you hear me?"

I jumped, nodding, "yes ma'am, I do. I understand,"

 She narrowed her eyes as she made her way towards me; hands rummaging through her purse. 

"Here," she says slapping a solid 20-dollar bill into my palm. "It's the weekend and my mother-senses are tingling that you have plans with Amara after school. Just act like you have somebody waiting for your lil' butt to get home, please and thank you." She firmly finishes, effectively causing my lips to pop closed before I could bargain my curfew or the 20. 

"Yes ma'am," I mumble leaning forward to kiss her cheek. 

"Be careful, baby" she says.

"See you later and thank you for the umbrella," I smile at her over my shoulder before sauntering out of the door. Stuffing it into my backpack, I began powerwalking to, at least make it in time to beg for a retake or some extra credit. 

As my sneakers crossed the monotonous lines of the sidewalk, their shadows from the momentary sun caused my mind to began to wander to the possibilities of my future. The end of senior year will be a summer away  in a matter of months. Quite frankly, I have an abundance of colleges that I would like to attend, but as for my field of study, I have no clue what I want. I notice so many of the kids in class who incorporate their passions into their hobbies, such as Mara and her passion for music composition with the band. She helps the teacher with scores for their performances and competitions sometimes, which is absolutely amazing. Her ear is practically impeccable.