My name is Charlie- Heartstopper au

1

First chapter, it's kinda short but enjoy.

TWs:
- mentions of ed
- unsafe binding
- dysphoria
- swearing

I open my eyes to be met by the sight of boxes piled high around my mattress, the feeling of dread swirling around in my stomach like a snake. Right. First day at Higgs.

Some people have butterflies in their stomach's on their first day of school, crazy with anticipation, but not me. Then again, other students don't go to a school meant for their opposite gender, but as a closeted trans boy i dont really have a choice.

My name is Charlie Spring, but no one except the internet knows. I'm a 15 year old gay trans boy and I constantly feel like shit. I like playing the drums, listening to music and dogs. I just moved to England, and I have no idea what to expect.

"Amara! The bus comes at 7:40, hurry up!" my sister Tori yells from downstairs, probably already dressed and ready to go. I flinch at the mention of my deadname, instantly reminded of my situation.

I groan and force myself out of bed, instantly regretting it when I feel the weight on my body that shouldn't be there in the first place. A wave of dysphoria washes over me and I screw my eyes shut, blocking out the thoughts threatening to overwhelm me.

You're just a stupid girl.
Look at your thighs. Only girls look like that. Your chest is too big. Your voic-

I force myself to think about something else, plugging my headphones in and putting on my favorite playlist, trying to focus on the beat, dividing my attention onto the different parts of the music and letting the notes fill my brain and chase away the thoughts that make my life a living hell.

I feel myself let go of the reality that surrounds me, letting any sound that's not music fade away and become distant static in the back of my mind.

As if watching myself from far away, I reach for my three sports bras, putting them one on top of the other without thinking, ignoring the tightness that is now wrapping around my chest. I button up my blouse, my fingers fumbling to put the buttons together. I grasp my skirt from the corner of the closet it got thrown into and slipped it on, firmly focusing my gaze on the boxes in front of me. I struggle to put my tie on, not having worn one since I tried going to prom in a suit last year.

If you had been born a boy, your dad would've already taught you how to do it, like he did with Ol-

Turning the music up, I blink away the tears that had formed in my eyes and put on my blazer. I don't bother looking at the mirror, knowing I'll hate what I see.

I run down the stairs, skipping a step and almost falling down the rest of them. The sweet smell of pancakes hit me as I enter the kitchen.

Tori is sitting on the counter sipping lemonade, her silky black hair hanging straight and looking as beautiful as ever. My mom is fussing over who-knows-what next to the stove, making food. Her face lights up when she sees me.

"There's my beautiful girl! Aww look at you, all dressed up, you look so pretty!" she gasps, hurrying over to where I'm awkwardly standing. She reaches over to start fixing my mess of black curls, pulling out my bun from the night before and letting my hair fall out to rest on my shoulders.

I know she means well, but I can't stop the pang of hurt and discomfort while muttering a quiet "Good morning."

"Do you want some pancakes? You still have a little bit of time, I made you a plate!"

A stack of pancakes dripping with syrup sit on the kitchen table, complete with a side of blueberries and whipped cream. The thought of food entering my stomach instantly makes me queasy, anxiety running through my brain for no reason whatsoever.

"You know what, I'm going to take an early bus, I'll just eat at school!" I forced out, making my voice high and cheerful while inwardly wincing at the pitch of it.

Why the fuck is my voice so high.

Tori raises an eyebrow at me and I instantly look down, picking at my fingers and staring at my socks.

"I'll come with her", she announces, "I don't have anything else to do." She jumps off the counter and gets her school bag.

I was gonna write more, but I need to do math exercises and I really wanted to get the first chapter out. It's not the best but the interesting parts will come later I promise. Don't forget to take care of yourself :)
-rowan <3