Anna Peregrine--Hollow City

Chapter Twelve

Jacob stared back at me, "What? But--"

"Jake, my father was a wight. That can only mean one thing. When Sam and Esme's home were raided by the hollows, I could see them. I could also see them when we were running out of the cathedral. Jacob, this is why I'm telling you to go home. You have a real home and a real family, and if you think any of us would've chosen this world over those things--wouldn't have given up our loops and longevity and peculiar powers long ago for even a taste of what you have--then you really are living in a fantasy world. It makes me absolutely ill to think you might throw that all away--and for what?"

"For you, you idiot! I love you!" I bit my lip, "No. No, that's not going to help anything."

"But it's true! Why do you think I stayed instead of going home? It wasn't because of my grandfather or some stupid sense of duty--not really--or because I hated my parents or didn't appreciate my home and all the nice things we had. I stayed because of you!"

I sat on the ground in front of him, putting my head in my hands before looking back up at him, "It's my own fault. I should never have kissed you. Me being with you is against the Ymbryne code. Perhaps I made you believe something that wasn't true."

"Don't say that to me if you don't mean it. I may not have a lot of dating experience, but don't treat me like some pathetic loser who's powerless in the face of a pretty girl. You didn't make me stay. I stayed because I wanted to--and because what I feel for you is as real as anything I've ever felt. You feel it too. I know you do."

"I'm sorry," I said, taking his hands. "I'm sorry, that was cruel, and I shouldn't have said it. You're right. I care about you very much. That's why I can't watch you throw your life away for nothing."

"I wouldn't be!"

"Dammit, Jacob, yes you would!" I yelled, standing up, looking over at a desk before pointing to the plant that was on it, frozen in the ice. "See that potted plant on the desk in there?"

He nodded.

"It's green now, preserved by the ice. But inside it's dead. And the moment that ice melts, it'll turn brown and wither into mush. I'm like that plant."

"You aren't. You're . . . perfect."

I looked down at him, shaking my head. I sat down next to him and grabbed his hand, placing it on my smooth cheek. "This? Is a lie. It's not really me. If you could see me for what I really am, you wouldn't want me anymore."

"I don't care about that stuff--"

"I'm an old woman! You think we're alike, but we aren't. This person you say you love? She's really a hag, an old crone hiding in a body of a girl. You're a young man--a boy--a baby compared to me. You could never understand what it's like, being this close to death all the time. And you shouldn't. I never want you to. You've still got your whole life to look forward to, Jacob. I've already spent mine. And one day--soon, perhaps--I will die and return to dust."

I sighed, looking away. What was I doing? I was a newly promoted Ymbryne, and already turning this peculiar boy away. I wasn't stable. But who could be? After the hell I've gone through, I was only trying to protect Jacob.

"Maybe when this is all over, I'll send you a letter and you'll send one back. And maybe one day you can come see me again," I said.

We'll be like Emma and Abe. And maybe that will continue for seventy some years until Jacob was dead. Who would come after him? His own peculiar grandson? And what would that turn into? My child or Emma's, or one of my wards falling in love with him?