Teardrops on the pillow, snot all over my face, stressed hair, and a desperate heart. Words felt by the heart, formed by the brain and said by the mouth. A prayer asking for hope, forgiveness and faith. Do tears have a voice of their own?
Crimson, black and gray paint my beating heart with colors of emptiness, anger, anguish and fear. A vivid image of a person I cannot forgive, I cry as I ask the Lord for the will and strength to pardon that someone, and also myself for being weak and scared enought to say a single "No." I spent the past months pitying myself and beating myself up in the only way I know, just to feel less guilty and be assured that the decision I made was right and that I was going to stick to it until the end.
At school, as soon as I hear someone plucking the silver and golden strings of a guitar, and if I recognize the melody I would think of wanting to sing, but I won't. Because I promised myself to let go of the things we had in common. Each and every day, I live with the guilt at the back of my head. I feel guilty for hating someone.
I would talk to my friends only whenever that person is not there. We would share the happenings in our daily school lives individually. That person and I have a divided time with our common friends. Earlier I'm with them and then later, they're with that person. This is the reason why I pray for the permission and the determination to forgive and be forgiven, so that I could finally free my heart from the hatred, pride, guilt and my self-pity.
Being my care-free, happy and younger self is and was what I miss about myself. I miss my childhood. Those sunshine filled days of fun, and cozy rain days of serenity. Just playing under the sun, and watching the rain form muddy puddles on the ground. I miss my calm, composed, innocent and young state of life. Because the moment I realized and felt I was starting to grow up, I felt the changes and responsibility that rests on my shoulders. Stress, emotional changes, pressure, and losing myself in the process. Pre-occupied by the things I do that make me forget what it means to emerge my sights from the dark clouds and look up to the rainbow. To remind me that everything I do is for my future and that the failures will make me learn lessons about life that cannot be explained in mere words, but in action, feelings and perspective.
A prayer for hope. Praying to be filled once again with hope. And I seek faith because the fear is real, doubts are endless and questions are left unanswered. What would happen now? What will be the outcome of my decision? Will this build me up? Or will it tear me down? I need the courage and security to push through in my life. I need the faith so that I would stop asking questions, fearing uncontrollable situations and running away to my confort zone. I want to be ready and assured that I am safe, because I want to lose my horror towards the unknown.
My desires and desperate prayers reveal the deepest secrets about me. And yes, tears have a language and a voice of their own. You know why? Because my tears are screaming. And God can hear them loud and clear.
