Iron Phoenix

Broken Glass

I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. I didn't – A final lurch brought the rest of Kana's lunch splattering pitifully to the ground, her shaking hands clutched around her stomach, her eyes as misty as the cliffside on which she stood. The cliffside where just below – she doubled over retching once more.

A high-pitched squeaking cut through the blur, growing louder behind her. Kana knew that sound. A hot bolt of shame shot through her as she staggered around to see Captain Roth wheeling towards her.

She choked, not trusting herself to speak.

He skittered to a stop, the wind catching a piece of paper in his lap as he did so, bringing it fluttering to the ground. Kana bent down to pick it up, before feeling her stomach rise again as she tore her stinging eyes away. How much had changed in just one day; those smiling faces, staring obliviously up at her from the safety of the Blue Lagoon, from their little pretend holiday they were never coming back from.

Kana thrust it towards him, still staring at the sky, but felt her hand being pushed back towards her.

"Look." he said firmly. "Look at their faces and remember them – because they're sure as hell going to remember you."

Kana's hand trembled, still holding the picture at arm's length. "I... I...", she couldn't bring herself to say it. "They're gone." she finished dumbly.

Captain Roth sighed, the weariness on his face evident. "What do you want me to say? There's no great secret of the universe that somehow makes it easier. People leave, people die – that's just a part of life. We can enjoy being with them while they're here, but in the end, you have to be able to stand alone."

Kana stood for a moment, a deep feeling of wrong rising within her. "Captain? Are you – Who do you have outside of us?"

"You're dismissed." he said sharply.

Kana remembered all the ridiculous group exercises he'd made them do, all the forty-minute lectures on teamwork she'd sat through.

"No." she said quietly, looking at the floor.

"Don't make me repeat myself."

"No," she said, sounding less shattered, more determined. "You've taught me – taught us – the opposite. That there are people you can rely on. None of us have to stand alone. And its Rick trying to stand alone that's –" Her voice cracked again. "It's all fucked up."

Then Roth did something she'd never have expected, using his grip on the photo to draw her into a rough hug, almost as if he were going to attack her, but then stopping, holding her as the tears finally spilled over and she wept – helplessly, bitterly, like a storm in a human body.

"I'm so stupid," she cried, remembering what she'd that night, joking around with everyone in the hotel. "We're not avenging angels, not even close. We're humans. We're just stupid little humans and we couldn't even save four of our own people!"

"You did well today," Roth said, as Kana brought herself back under control. "You did well. You got that damn order and you followed through in time to help. You're not responsible for that decision, no matter how much you might want to be."

***

Kana counted the tiles on the ceiling of the hotel room. Sixteen across, thirty-four down. She'd been hiding in there for hours now and no one had come by. That, she was grateful for – she had no idea how she could face any of them. She should have known it would come to this – she'd known what she'd signed up for – but so soon, so suddenly.

It's not like it's the first time, Kana. You should know better by now.

Kana sprung up, muffled yelling from the corridor wrenching her from her thoughts. She moved to the door as if sleepwalking, cracking it open as the yells rose in volume.

"I don't care what you were trying to do. Get back downstairs!" Captain Roth was at the end of the corridor, his head turning as Kana slipped around the door.

Still, what caught her attention was the person standing opposite him, his fists balled in fury. Rick turned his gaze to her, and Kana recoiled. She knew that look, had seen it on so many faces. It had followed her over the years, jumping from gaze to gaze, and now, even after her fresh start, it had made its way back. It said many things; hatred, disgust, but one thing was the clearest:

Murderer.

It was what she deserved, after all.

Kana stumbled back, groping at the door handle before sliding to the floor. If she ever thought she was cut out for this – how wrong was she. She couldn't face them after this. Oh, God – how could she face Farley after this? How could she go - home. A tear slipped down Kana's cheek as she realised too late the significance of that word. How that flat really had seemed like home, if only for the briefest of moments.

Now it seemed worlds away, and all too close.

***

The sun hung pale and weary on the New London horizon, barely clutching on to the last shards of the day. The buildings' long shadows stared down at Kana as she trudged past their quiet bricks. Her bag pressed down on her shoulders, its dead weight slowing her. Farley's face flashed in her head, and she shook it away. Whatever happened when she got to the flat, she had resigned herself to. She would just lock herself in her room until LITE moved her out – if she wasn't thrown out on the streets before then.

Kana's heart jumped to her throat as she realized she'd made it all the way back without noticing. The door stared her down as she raised a shaking hand to the bell. Before she could, the door soundlessly opened, Kana forcing herself to look up as she braced herself for whatever would come.

Whatever she deserved.

"Welcome home, Kana." She said it so gently, her face lined with sadness, but also worry. Kana couldn't look at her. "Sit down. I'll make you some tea."

Kana sat at the table, lacing and unlacing her hands together as Farley busied herself at the counter. Several times, she felt the tears rising but she pushed them down. She wouldn't cry in front of two people in a day. She wouldn't.

A steaming cup was placed in front of her, and Farley sat down opposite, watching expectantly as she took a sip, noting the odd tang that told her Farley didn't make tea often. They sat in dim silence, neither having the strength to speak. What was there to talk about anyway?

It was about three quarters of the way through her drink when Kana started to feel a little lightheaded, her eyelids drooping as their weight seemed to double. The bitter tinge on her tongue finally clicked into place as she turned to Farley, who had been watching her a little too closely the entire time.

"You –" she said, but her words came out mangled and slurred.

"I'm sorry," said Farley – and she did sound truly sorry. "Look, you know there was no other way."

The feeling of betrayal sliced through her as her body slumped onto the table. How could she? She wasn't that weak.

She felt herself being lifted up, cradled gently in Farley's arms as her eyes fluttered closed. Desperately, she tried to rage against the darkness, to hold onto that hot, bitter feeling of anger and betrayal, but as her strength left her, a smaller, deeper part of herself couldn't help but revel in the mercy of finally – finally – just being able to sleep.

End of Arc 1.

A/N: Short chapter this time, but the ending of the first arc of the story - don't worry, there are two more planned. Again, updates will be sporadic as I'm bad at this :P Anyway, hope this conclusion didn't bum you out too much - tell me in the comments what you thought. Do you guys think Farley was right or wrong at the end? Let me know!