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Sleepless

I didn't sleep at jays. I did hang out with him though. I was scared I would close my eyes and end up bleeding all over his bed. I didn't sleep well, I didn't want anyone to know. I was petrified the moment I closed my eyes it would explode out of me. Although Sylvie told me that wouldn't happened. I realised very quickly that despite learning about periods at school briefly I had no idea. I didn't know anything. I cried because all the other girls had their mum to teach them I had no one. Although Sylvie is always there and so is Erin, Stella is worming her way in. I cried because I didn't have a mum and it wasn't the same. I was all alone. I sometimes wish that some other random person died instead of mum. Think of mum made me think of the accident. How dad wouldn't let me go. How Hank came to Grandpas to ask me questions. I could remember it all like it was yesterday.

"Hey what's wrong" Stella asks softy walking in catching me crying. I suddenly sit up wiping my eyes before smiling "nothing what's up" "I saw you Liv" she said kindly making me sigh "mum I miss my mum that's all now can we move on" "you and Kelly don't talk about her" "there's a reason for that" I snap "sorry I'm a bit of a mess mum was meant to be here helping me with all this and she's just not" I said sadly "I know that hurts but you have all the women here at the firehouse the wives of the men plus the ladies at intelligence I know you only super close to Jay and Erin but I'm more than positive that Kim or Trudy would help without question" I nod sighing "I know it's not the same though" "I know but while all those girls have just a mum you have like a million different ladies with all different advice some would say that is better" I nod thinking about it. I knew she was only saying it to make me better but it did help. "Thank you Stella" "anytime Liv you know even if your dad and I don't work out I'm here for you" "you know how many girls have said that to me almost every single one of my dads girlfriends when they realises his not into it they think getting closer to me will help Erin was the only one who didn't but as you can see we are still friends" i said smiling at her.

I decided to visit mum. "So I got my period. Honestly it's a roller coaster but I think the hardest thing is that your not here" I said leaning against the headstone. "Liv" I sit up seeing Jay jogging over "what's up" "nothing your dad just said you'll be here" I nod confused "so I did something" I roll my eyes than he looks at the grave beside me "your mum" I smile nodding "yep" "I can come back I don't think it connected that you would be visiting your mum your dad just said you were at the cemetery I thought you were just a weirdo who walked through it" I laugh shaking my head "it's fine sit down just not in front of the headstone" he nods sitting opposite me "you know after you told me about the accident I did some snooping am kinda shocked your alive to be honest" "got a scar to remember it to" I lift my shirt slightly to show him the scar I have on my rib cage. "So you going to share what's going on in your head because a) I'm not dumb and b) I have it on good authority you haven't been doing good" "I am so confused who is telling you" "oh don't worry mum won't tell" he smiles "so what happened on the case" "what" "we'll I figured you wouldn't want to actually tell me what happened while you were overseas you tend to keep that close to the chest so tell me about the case" I shrug he smiles at me before he began to tell me all about the case. "What was your favourite part of being overseas...what surely there's something the food maybe you did something amazing with your friends" "uh I haven't exactly thought about it probably just any quiet moment" I nod "I get that not the same but I do love the quiet moments at the station" he laughs "not the same but probably the closet things" he said shrugging "so how have you been doing" "good but I would much prefer if you didn't avoid it" he just smiles at me "uh the main suspect was this Muslim man I had no issue just believing it I didn't even hear what he said" "he was innocent wasn't he" Jay nods "well you were following evidence I can't imagine you just pulled that out of thin air you are to good of a person for that" he smiles at me "if you weren't a good person you wouldn't be trying to help me" I add smile "on that topic I want to say thank you I don't think I have yet...you should know that I haven't been feeling anything towards the firehouse currently it's more of the nightmares and everything else" he nods "what about you" "memories or nightmares" he answers shrugging. "We'll I'm here if you want company I know you don't like the unit knowing...Erin is worried" "so she's the one person telling you" he mused "one of the many" he laughs making me smile gleefully.

"Dad" he looks up from his spot on the couch "hey kiddo didn't know when to expect you you were hanging out with Jay" I nod "yeah he came and sat with me and mum" I walk over and sit beside him "I miss mum" he adjusts before pulling me to him. His arms firmly around me, my head on his chest. "Me to Rubes me to" he leans down kissing my head before taking a sip of his beer. "I got my period" he chokes on his beer "yesterday Sylvie and Stella helped me you don't have to panic I just thought I should tell you" he nods not saying anything. "How was your day" he said avoiding the statement which I was more than thankful for I had been dreading an awkward conversation all day. "Uh i cried for mum visited her and sat and talked to Jay" I said he nods "I wish she was here everyday but I do know she would be incredibly proud of you just like I am" he said leaning down and kissing my head. I smile snuggle into him.