Teen Years [Heartstopper]

8

TW: This chapter contains mentions of self harm, body image issues, anxiety, mentions of small spaces, underage drinking, depression, fighting with parents, drugs, alcohol, invasion of privacy, homophobia, bullying, and physical fights.

*The Next Day*
Charlie doesn't know. I didn't tell him about what happened at the cinema. I didn't want him to blame himself.
"Cierra?" Someone knocked on my bedroom door.
"Who is it?" I asked.
"Your mother." She sounded angry.
"What's up?" I rolled onto my back on my bed.
"Can you open the door? We need to talk." She turned my door knob.
"Alright? Give me a minute!" I rolled off of my bed and walked over to my door.
"So I found this under your bed." She holds up a small yellow notebook.
"My diary!" I grabbed it from her quickly.
"I read it." She blurted out.
"You what?" I thought she was joking.
"I read it." She repeated herself.
"Why would you do that?" I raised my voice.
"I've been so worried! You haven't acted like yourself in over a year! I just wanted to make sure you weren't on drugs or something." She stepped into my room.
"Mom! Why would you read my diary? Why can't you just trust me!" I was furious.
"Cierra you never tell me anything and then you go and start drinking and leaving without telling me where you're going! I can't trust you anymore Cici." She shut my bedroom door and sat on my desk chair.
"Don't. Don't call me that. Cici is not my name. Not anymore." My voice cracked.
"Cici..." My mom tried to reach up and place her hand on my shoulder but I moved away.
"That's not my name! It hasn't been since I was 5. I always hated being called Cici. You knew that, you know that!" I sat down on my bed.
"You love her?" My mom turned to a wooden piece on my desk.
"Hm?" I followed her gaze to the wood.
"Harley. You love her?" My mom asked again.
"How much of my diary did you read?" I asked in as calm of a voice as I could.
"All of it." She turned around to face me.
"Mom!" I yelled in an angry tone.
"You love her?" She asked yet again.
"I do, but it doesn't matter. We aren't together anymore." I remembered our breakup.
"Cici...I mean Cierra. Talk to me!" She stood up and sat down beside me.
"I have to um go! Elle wants to hang out." A lie.
Before she could respond I left my room and walked downstairs. I quickly threw on my shoes and left the house. I walked with no idea where I was heading. I just kept walking.
*20 Minutes Later*
After walking for 20 minutes I find myself outside of Tao Xu's house. I haven't been here in ages. I knocked. No response. I knocked again, this time someone answered the door.
"Cierra!" Tao Xu hugged me tightly.
"Hi Tao!" I hugged him back.
"Why didn't you tell me you were coming over?" He looked at me.
"I really didn't know where I was going to be honest." I decided to be honest.
"Is everything okay?" He looked worried.
"Harley and I broke up." I started crying .
"Come inside. Elle and Issac are on their way over now." He moved and allowed me inside.
"I miss you guys. I'm sorry I've been so busy lately." I wiped at my cheeks.
"Do not apologize! We haven't been the best at staying in touch either." He walked in front of me to the living room.
"Does Elle know yet?" I changed the subject.
"Know what?" He stopped walking.
"That you like her?" I laughed through the tears.
"What? No, I- I don't like her!" She said, blushing.
"Tell that to the redness in your cheeks!" I pointed at his face.
"Please don't tell her...there's no way she likes me back and I don't want to ruin our friendship!" Tao started walking again.
"They're here." I heard a car pull up.
I sat down on the couch and next thing I know Elle, Issac, and Tao were sitting in the living room as well.
"Cierra!" Issac bursted through the corridor and hugged me.
"Hey Issac!" I hugged him back.
"Hey Ci!" Elle followed behind Issac.
"Elle!" I stood up and ran to Elle.
"Your mom called." Tao said behind me.
"What did she say?" I turned around to face Tao.
"She's worried about you Cierra." Tao walked a step closer to me.
"Did she happen to tell you that she read through my diary?" I sighed.
"She went through your diary?" Elle now stood beside Tao.
"All of it. Every word. Every page. Front and back. She invaded my privacy." I walked back over to the couch and sat down.
"Cierra we are all worried about you." A new voice spoke from the door.
"Okay who called Nick?" I asked them.
"I did." Charlie.
"Okay but who called you?" I asked Charlie.
"I did." Tori came in.
"Exactly how many of you guys are outside right now?" I asked as I looked around at everyone.
"Just 1 more guest." Issac was the one that responded.
Moments later Harley entered the house.
"Cera we are all worried about you." Nick repeated what he said earlier.
"There's no need to be." I crossed my arms and leaned back into the couch.
"Ci..." Harley stepped beside Nick.
"Why are you here Harley? You broke up with me." I said, avoiding eye contact.
"I still care about you." Harley looked heartbroken.
"What's going on Cierra?" Tori spoke.
"You guys really want to know what's wrong?" I looked at them, my expression soft.
"I'm falling apart." Those three words took everything in me to say.
"I am distancing myself from everyone k love because it's either that or they leave me eventually." I said, a sob caught in my throat and I looked down at my feet.
"The room always feels like it's closing in on me." I let out a quick sigh and continued.
"I hate the way I feel. I hate the way I think. I hate the way I act. I hate the way I look." I spoke quickly.
"Cierra..." Nick sounded like he was crying, I looked up.
Everyone was staring at me with tears in their eyes.
"I'm sorry." I pulled up my sleeves.
Everyone's eyes traveled to my arms, they stared at me in silence, I pulled my sleeves down again.
"I don't want or need you to tell me that it going to be okay, because I know it's not." I looked around at everyone's faces.
"Can someone say something?" I let out a sob.
"Cierra I love you." It took me a minute to process that.
"...you love me?" I looked towards the voice.
"Of course I do. I love you Cierra. I will always love you." Harley took a step closer to me, tears in her eyes.
"Then why break up with me?" Tears started falling down my cheeks.
"I haven't felt this way about anyone ever and it scares the hell out of me Cierra." She came and sat beside me.
Everyone left the room.
"Harley..." I avoided eye contact.
"You don't have to say it back." She looked forward.
"Harley I love you too." I whispered.
"Hm?" She turned towards me.
"I love you!" I leaned in and kissed her.
*2 weeks later*
DIARY ENTRY
It felt good to finally tell someone, to tell them. Last year I would have been hiding after what I said but no. I won't hide. Charlie and Nick aren't talking at the moment...I don't know what's going on. Harley and I got into a stupid fight over nothing and we aren't talking, but I won't hide.
End of diary entry
Today is sports day. I hate sports day. Sports day is a day when both Truham and Higgs students come together to do different activities. I hate it. 20 minutes. 10 minutes. 5 minutes. Time to leave I guess.
"Hey darlings!" My mom said as Charlie and I walked downstairs.
"Hey mom!" Charlie replied, I didn't.
"Aren't you going to say hi?" She turned to me.
"Sorry, hi mom!" I smiled.
"You off to sports day?" She turned back to Charlie.
"We are!" I was the one who responded.
"Charlie can you give your sister and I a moment to talk? Alone." She didn't bother looking at me.
"I'll see you in a few!" Charlie walked back upstairs.
"What's up mom?" I looked at her dead in the eyes.
"I found this in your room." She pulled something out from behind her back.
"You went through my room?" I didn't realize I was yelling.
"You're drinking?" She sighed.
"It was once! Okay maybe twice...maybe more I don't fucking know!" My voice grew louder and louder with each word.
"You told me you wouldn't..." Tori spoke behind me.
"Tori..." I turned around.
"You told me you stopped Cierra..." Charlie was behind her now.
"I did...for a while and then suddenly I started again." I avoided eye contact and looked at my feet.
"So you're drinking again?" Someone said from the doorway.
"Elle..." I looked towards her.
"I'm so stupid. I trusted you Cierra. I knew I shouldn't have." My mom said.
"You have never trusted me. You never will." I looked my mom in the eyes.
"You are not the girl I raised. Not anymore." She shook her head.
"I'm not perfect you mean?" This was happening. Right here. Right now.
"I've never been good enough for you." I said softly.
"That's a lie." My dad came in the room.
"Is it?" I looked at him.
"Cici." My mom grabbed my attention.
"Don't call me that!" I yelled.
"I try so hard. SO FUCKING HARD. To be the girl everyone wants me to be but guess what mom? I'm not. I'm not perfect. I'm not smart. I'm not pretty. I'm not the girl you want me to be." I yelled before she got a chance to answer.
"You don't try, not hard enough." She crossed her arms.
"I don't try?" I chuckled.
"You could try harder. Why can't you just try harder? Look at Oliver." She pointed to the little boy sitting in the next room over.
"Be like him." Déjà vu.
"Fuck this." I walked out of the front door.
*Rugby Match*
It's been a long day.
"It's time for the reds vs blues rugby match! Everyone gather around the field!" A loud speaker interrupted my thoughts.
I walked over to the field. The game started.
Point red!
Point red!
Point red!
I watched as Nick walked off the field, towards Charlie. I smiled.
"I'd like to make an announcement." A female voice spoke over the speakers.
"Harley?" I said to Elle, Issac, Tao, Darcy, and Tara.
"I'm in love with Cierra Kate Spring." Everyone turned to look at me.
"Cierra Kate Spring...I'm so sorry about our fight. Will you forgive me?" Harley was behind me with a microphone.
"What are you doing?" I laughed.
"Begging for forgiveness." She said seriously.
"Harley..." I shook my head and laughed.
"Do you...my love, forgive me?" She was now only 2 inches away from me.
"Yes. I do." I looked her in the eyes.
"I love you. Can I kiss you?" She stepped an inch closer.
"Yes." I smiled. She kissed me.
"I AM IN LOVE WITH HARLEY MARIE GREENE!" I picked up the mic and screamed into the microphone.
Everyone was looking at us but I didn't care.
*1 Month Later*
"Harley stop running from me!" I laughed and ran after her.
"Try and catch up slow poke!" She was smiling wide.
"You two are the definition of chaos." Nick laughed with us.
"They are!" Charlie laughed and grabbed Nick's hand.
"This way!" Imogen was leading Harley.
"This isn't fair! No teaming." I stopped for a breath.
"I'll help!" Charlie ran over to me.
"How is this fair? Charlie is literally the fastest runner ever." Harley didn't stop running.
"Haha!" I caught up to her and tackled her in the sand.
"Wow. Didn't think you'd catch up." Harley rolled on her back and I rolled beside her.
"KISS!" Tao screamed.
"KISS!" Elle screamed.
"KISS KISS KISS!" Nick was laughing.
"Shall we give the people what they want?" I turned to Harley.
"We will...if you and Nick kiss." She looked at Charlie.
"Deal." Nick yelled and walked over to us.
"3!" Issac started a countdown.
"2!" Elle continued.
"1!" Imogen finished the countdown.
Charlie and Nick kissed. Me and Harley kissed. I smiled. She smiled. They smiled.
"I love you all." I yelled.
Everyone smiled and repeated my words. These people were my family. They are my lifelines.
END OF EPISODE 8