September 1st...|| Jason Dean x Reader || Heathers

YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE~

After the entire incident at the party. After Chandler's death, I expected everyone to despise me.

*RING. RING. RING*

I check my phone. it's... McNamara? I answer.

"Hello?" "Y/N I'm at the cemetery, I need you to come quick!" "Why, what's wrong?" "Please! It's urgent!"

I decide to just go.

AT THE CEMETERY

I approach.... Duke's car? McNamara spots me and rolls down the window about halfway.

"Is Kurt okay?" I ask. "He passed out. Me, Kurt, Ram, and Heather Duke came out to pour a jug of Thunderbird on Heather's grave, y'know from her homies, but Kurt and Ram drank it all. Ram and Heather went off together, then Kurt started grabbing me and wouldn't stop."

"After everything that happened at Ram's party... why did you call me?" "Well, that was the deal. If I got you here, Kurt promised to leave me alone." "Wait.. so you avoided date rape, buy volunteering me, for date rape?!" "God, you make it sound ugly."

I look over to see Duke buttoning her blouse, with a drunk Ram following.

"Goddamn it Ram! I said I'm done!" "C'mon, Heather. Don't walk away!" "Sober up idiot."

Heather approaches Heather.

"Heather unlock the door."

"You  can't   stop   now I  My  private   parts   are  like  this big  hydroelectric   dam.  And  there's   a  river  of  pressure building   up  and  it  really  hurts.  That's   science! I need relief!"

Ram then notices me. Damn it.

"Heyyyyy, Y/N."

"Ugh. You got a left hand? Use it."

"Don't talk mean like that."

"You'll hurt their feelings."

"You make my balls so blue."

"You hurt them badly."

"You make my balls so blue."

"They're hangin' sadly."

"What did they do to you
that you hate them so?"

"Don't run from me -
They're all beat up"

"like a tackling dummy!"

"They long for your embrace!"

"They're warm like mittens!"

"They'll curl up on your face"

"and purr like kittens!"

"You make my balls so blue!"

"Just look at them glow..."

"We're beggin' you!"

"Don't make my balls so blue."

"Heather...? Heather...? Open the door."

"Oh no, oh no no no!"

"Open the door!"

"Oh no, oh no no no!"

"You make my balls so blue,
so please say hello!"

"Hold 'em!"

"Enfold 'em,"

"and never let go!"

"Once you were geeky and nerdy,"

"but they knew you're dirty."

"You've set them on fire,"

"Whatever you require they'll do!
So take 'em home to meet your parents!"

"They'll wear a suit and tie,"

"and a fancy collar!"

"They'll sing a lullaby: La la la la la!"

"Please make these balls not blue,"

"Just for a while!"

"Can't wait till later,"

"my pants are rubbin'
like a hot cheese grater!"

"Look. Booze. Drink!"

"Aw, thank you so much!"

"You are so welcome!"

"They will protect you."

"Defend you."

"Respect you."

"Befriend you --"

"Like Winnie-the-Pooh!"

"Winnie-the-Pooh!"

"Baby baby baby they're so blue!"

"My balls will work for you."

"They will obey ya!"

"They really need rescue!"

"Like Princess Leia!"

"Baby, you gots to come through."

"Teach them to smile!"

"You got no clue how much
these two depend on you --
Please help them through!"

"My balls are in your court!"

"Yeah!"

"You make them balls so blue!"

"You make my balls so blue!"

"You make my balls so blue!"

"Ow! Ow!
You make them balls so blue!
You make my balls so blue!
You make my balls so blue!
You shake them,
you quake them,
Good God!
You break --
My balls!
You make my balls so blue!
You make my balls so blue!
You take them,
Lookit! Lookit!
Lookit! Lookit!
You bake them,
Chrissake --
You make my balls so blue!
Please make their dreams come true,
and make these balls not blue!"