The Bridge And Beyond

Chapter 5

My terrible thoughts started to progress through the summer. The longer I was in the class, the more time I had to think, even though I now had a friend. The course eventually ended and we spent nearly every day together. Just me and Tara. Our instant friendship turned into an instant best-friendship in the blink of an eye. We would sit on my porch, looking around the small neighborhood, the people passing, and showing each other posts we saw on tumblr on our phones. Over the time, if found how much more privileged than she. She'd had a harder up bringing, her parents separate, both were at each others throats, and struggling to get by. If learned one night when we were playing video games in her apartment, that her father was homeless. And she had to work for rent and food because her mother had a lung disease, making it hard for her to work. But her mother was also a writer, and at first, she seemed very quiet, but then she started making the funniest remarks. And Tara told me while walking me home "Shes never like that, Thats so weird, Shes always very quiet around my friends" I don't know why, but thinking about her always made my worries and fears a little more insignificant. As the days past by, even after summer school was finished, I was still grounded. My mother had just bought a new membership at a local gym, and if I couldn't dance, Id still work everything out and stretch more to get better flexibility. I walked in on the first day of working out and getting into better shape. I was a little bit overweight for someone of my age and height. I was a 15 year old, about to be 16, weighing in at 145 lbs. and stood at 5'2. I was a chunky monkey. I walk in wearing sweat pants, a green and white striped tee, and sneakers. I walked over to the most familiar thing, the mat. I did all my stretches and started to get ready. I got up once I had finished, and walked over to the treadmill. Minutes passed, and I cranked up the speed. I was now at running pace, music playing in my ear from the iPhone in my pocket. Before Id knew it, an hour had passed as I was running. I finally came to a halt, sweating and panting. So much physical exertion for such little time. I went into the woman's bathroom/ locker room/ showers, and looked at the many mirrors in the room. The thoughts were starting to flood back. The bad thoughts Id been getting all summer. "Wow, why are you so fat?" "Wow, why aren't you smarter?" 'Why can't you be a better daughter" "why can you be a better friend?" "Why can't you be nicer?" "Why do you let people walk over you?" "Youre worthless" "Tara Doesnt really like you." "Youre so ugly, it's kinda funny" "Why are you even here?" The thoughts were crippling in my mind, though you'd never be able to tell by looking at me. As I looked in the mirror, I lifted my shirt, and gave myself a cold, hard stare. A sobering glance and a realized truth. My mind was right. I was huge. My gut extended more than any of the other beautiful, stick thin dancers. I had started late, when I was 13, but if been working so hard to get as good as the other girls. I was still fat. And it needed to change. If decided right then and there, I would make a change for the better, no matter how hard it was, or what I had to do. Id make the change and see results. If I hadnt, what would be the point of living? I would always be the same, unimproving, fat, annoying, and weird girl. And Id be the girl that guys would chance for miles, and the girl who looked perfect in anything she wore, and the girl who could do anything with her style and still look fantastic, and be that girl. I walked into the bathroom stalls, the biggest one, and fell to the floor, crying. If only Id known what I did today. I would tell myself that I was fine the way I was. I was beautiful. I was loved. But Id never believe it with the thoughts in my head. And those thoughts would overwhelm me and take over my entire being. If only I could've stopped stopped myself.