The Ultimate Jokebook

BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE

BEFORE: You take my breath away.
AFTER: I feel like I'm suffocating.

BEFORE: She says she loves the way I take control of the situation.
AFTER: She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE: He makes me feel like a million dollars.
AFTER: If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

BEFORE: The Sound of Music.
AFTER: The Sound of Silence.

BEFORE: It's like I'm in a dream.
AFTER: It's like he's in a dorm.

BEFORE: We agree on everything!
AFTER: Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE: Charming and Noble.
AFTER: Chernobyl.

BEFORE: Ideal.
AFTER: Idle.

BEFORE: I love a woman with curves.
AFTER: I never said you were fat.

BEFORE: He's completely lost without me.
AFTER: Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE: Time stood still.
AFTER: This relationship is going nowhere.

BEFORE: Blind.
AFTER: Nearsighted.

BEFORE: You look so seductive in black.
AFTER: Your clothes are so depressing.

BEFORE: I can hardly believe we found each other.
AFTER: I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.