I'm sure you all want to know my backstory, or how I got here sitting in these leather seats watching these men take our lives under control. I'm not even so sure myself why I'm here. some call it an adventure but I don't feel the bliss one feels while exploring. so here we go. ben. Ben is the reason this all started the reason my family abandoned me and the reason I'm no longer me. my name is Alexa, not Bella. I'm no longer the girl I used to be. the scared girl who would sit up night after night praying to not see the next day. ben was my boyfriend rather tall, taller than me. he was 16 turning 17 I was 12 at the time. I spoke about ben to my parents and friends but left one singular detail out. his age. and maybe yeah I was blinded by the fake love to see the trauma he was bringing among me.
Ben was a junior in high school. he wasn't an average guy. he was smart and knew how to crack a joke. he spoke with confidence and walked like he was on an episode of some major hit. the sun brought out his deep mocha eyes that matched the tone of his skin. his hair was curly and dark brown. he wasn't just a boy. he was my boy. I wonder why things played out the way they did. ben and I met over instgram. now it wasn't the most romantic way to meet. it was nothing like you would see in shows. but for me he was my first real boyfriend so I couldn't picture any better way to meet him. I didn't want a field of flowers or some cheesy dinner at some fancy place neither of us could really afford.
ben wasn't so nice now that I think of it. id be begged to send everyday and when I didn't he would threaten to leave me. and I couldn't see myself being without him. so I did what any other girl would have. maybe I felt like an object or a toy but his happiness brought me faith. nothing ever brought a smile to his face unless it was me dirty talking to him. I thought maybe he was just mistaking my feelings for something else. he clearly liked me right? id love to think that he liked me for my slight smiles or the way my cheeks would light up after every little dumb thing he did. I would like to think about the times he told me he loved me. but only led to another touch.
after a long night of hopelessly wondering if it was love or just a mind trick, he texted me. he wanted to meet. now it's only been 2 months since we have been dating. I wasn't so sure of it all.
" Hey, can we meet up yet. at the park tomorrow?"
I let myself fold knowing I wasn't ready. yeah, I responded. I shoved my phone onto the nightstand next to me and buried my face into the pillow. -buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz- my phone was practically blowing up. I didn't want to see the messages. I don't wanna see the dirty remarks but not looking made me feel guilty. I slide my hand over to the nightstand. sitting there for a solid second trying to pull myself together before flipping the phone over. i slowly bring the phone towards me moving my head slightly in the pillow so I could see the messages.
"I cant wait to see you"
"there's a bathroom there you know"
"cant wait for the things I'm gonna do to you"
does he not understand i'm a child. being taken under some dude's arms. I'm a child. i didn't know the risk of not knowing the consequences. what could I do? I can't fight. I can't leave. I can't say anything. i feel it burning from inside out. I want him to love me the same way I love him. so I would do everything in my power to make that happen even just for a second.
I didn't really get very much attention growing up. my dad was always working somewhere new. me and my mom and brother were always moving somewhere new. my father wasn't much of a father figure in my life. he didn't teach me to ride a bike or how to talk to boys. he didn't play catch with me or tell me bedtime stories. his only love language was with that damn bottle, cigs, and a belt. hed make me pull down my pants to hit me until i couldn't walk. hed listen to the screams and cries as if he was enjoying every little moment of our suffering souls.
my mother never played the role she should have. the random beatings and the constant bashing. the screaming, yelling, hitting. It's nothing a child should have to learn to live with. id remember every Christmas hiding under the blankets when my father came to visit. hed sit for hours and scream at my mom for money reasons. and maybe she wasn't the kindest soul but she didn't deserve it. I was too young to understand all the words that were being said about me. but id never forget them. still haven't to this day.
I flip to my other side and try to sleep those very thoughts away. my dreams weren't such dreams when all I could ever feel was the bitter pain.
it's now time to get ready for ben. I didn't want to dress to impress. not with him. I throw on a purple crop top and some black leggings. I grab my phone, jacket and head out the door. I toss my leg over my bike and grip the handlebars.
I don't see myself doing much in 10 years. fighting wasn't something I planned on doing. why fight for something that's gonna disappear someday anways.
there he was. a lot taller than i would imagine. I couldn't explain the feelings in my stomach at this point. it's like my body was warning me all along. I park my bike along a row of neatly lined rocks.
"hey you're a lot shorter than i would have thought"
yeah, I let off a slight smile. I didn't know what to say. he was towering over me.
"come here let's talk"
he moves his way toward the slides. he stands on one side as I stand on the other. he was holding a pink smoothie. he offered me a drink but I panicked and said no.
" How have you been it's nice to finally see you"
maybe this wasn't so bad after all. maybe these silly little stomach swirls weren't a warning. he seemed wholesome. what was I afraid of then? we went on for a bit about what's been happening recently in our lives, we let off a few laughs. before time could tell I really started to feel uneasy. he started asking questions like
" why is it you like me"
and wouldn't budge until he got an answer from me. it wasn't anything bad but I felt so... weak? i stumble against the slide and say hey my mom just texted me I better get going. we will meet again sometime soon? he steps away from the slide and makes his way over to me.
"wait" he grabs my arm and swings me around.
"anything you wanna do before you go?"
i couldnt let one word out
"not even a hug"
I was struggling to get loose so I lean in for a hug. just a hug. he tilts my head up as one arm wraps around my waist. he forcingly grabs my chin and presses his lips against mine. I pull away and he grabs my ass and pulls me back in. his tongue is now halfway down my throat. I push away again
please stop-
he slams me against the slide, looks around then takes my arm and drags me to the bathroom across the sidewalk. he locked the door behind him.
"you will do what I say"
I kick my feet and swing my arms. he pins my hands above my head and starts grabbing me from every position he can. I kick him in the balls and he falls to the ground. I run to the door and as soon as I have my hand on the knob. he grabs my leg and swings me to the ground. he hits me over and over. he strips my shirt off and rips my pants down the sewed line. I felt so helpless. sitting there in a pool of my own blood and sweat. a boy I thought I could trust. a boy I thought loved me only cared for what I had to give him.
his cold hands run down my stomach to my thighs. he slides his hand between my thighs and forces my legs open. my vision is half blurry. i couldn't fight back anymore. he forces himself inside me. as if I was some sort of doll. forcefully getting hard I started to whimper. he places his hand over my mouth with a settled sush. the pain sprung threw my body. I couldn't feel half of it but the half that I could made me want to die so much more in that instant.
his hand gripping my waist ever so tightly his fingers digging into my ribs. I could smell the axe cologne, I could feel his rough skin against mine. I could feel the force. his soft sighs and his slight smile. he fooled me. he really did.
