Sooner than I knew it you would be showing up in my nightmares. I couldn't leave you because my family forbade it. they don't know the things you have done. or the words you have said. maybe in your eyes, I was just another target. and maybe I started to believe you. maybe I was another target. I had plenty of knives in my back straining me from standing tall. the heaviness of the bag I carry on my shoulders. the bag isn't visible to others or even myself but it's there.
You're always getting wasted. then getting caught in those drunk phases. you can whisper in my ear but I still hear those screams of fear. now I can't rhyme everything together but you're making me feel like this is all just a silly little puzzle. if I put the pieces together it will be gone right? I won't have to feel your skin against mine again. I won't have to feel your grip holding me down. if only I could just finish the puzzle.
You can call me babe in public. give me silly gifts and stand a ground which isn't even yours to stand. but behind these torn curtains is an evil boy. someone I can't forgive nor forget. I'm running out of things to say about you. you've fooled all these innocent souls that surround you. not sure of what you wished to accomplish but I can't stand your face anymore.
If I tell my family about what you have done it will only cause the eyes to stare deeper into my soul than they already are. I know the fingers would be pointed but I want an escape from this town I outgrew years ago. all these nights of waisted tears are getting older and older now.
I take a seat at our old brown circled table. ben takes a seat next to me. grasping at my tigh. my mother and father both sitting across the table. I've never seen them look so happy. what was with the fakeness in this world. you can portray yourself to be such a perfect-looking family but you are very flawed. Those smiles were pinned up by fake thoughts of a happily ever after. Thoughts of our family actually being. and for once I felt okay? not okay that ben did what he did and continues to do what he does. but I felt like maybe if I held on a little longer I could have the family experience I've always dreamt of. fake or not it was there.
This night wasn't just any dinner. my parents were meeting ben.
"Hello miss and Mr ryes"
My parents looked back and forth between me and ben. I tried to force my eyes to light up as they have before.
" Nice to meet you....Ben? correct me if I'm mistaken"
I look at ben pleading for him to confess what he has done right then and there. I wanted him to admit he took something very special of mine to my advantage. that he took something I only get to give away once in a lifetime without even asking. how could someone do such a thing?
"Ben yes. your daughter's ONLY boyfriend" he looks at me and smiles.
he had make it clear I was only his. I nodded.
I scoot my leg over from underneath the table. he grasps my leg and jerks it back against his. he lets out a little giggle and looks at my parents. my eyes were filled with complete horror. I didn't want this. I didn't want any of this.
"May we be excused for a second sorry ma'am" he grabs my hand and pulls me from my seat leading me out the front door and to the car.
"What did I say, do what I say! and if you don't..."
WHAT what. if I don't? you're gonna rape me again? he slaps me across the face leaving faint red finger marks
"Why don't you shut up. I don't think you wanna find out what ill do to you. I'm gonna go back in. you come back when the damn print wears off. and u sit. and you WILL let me do what I want"
I slide my back against the car door and fall to the ground tears rushing down my face. one after another. I could feel the marks of each fingerprint he left along my cheek.
I get up, open the car door and crawl into the back seat scrambling for my bag. once I find it I dig into the front pocket and pull out a small square box. I open the lid and neatly placed inside were 2 broken pieces of an old mason jar, 3 cotton pads, 2 gauze wraps, and alcohol wipes. I take out one of the old pieces of the mason jar and slide into the seat. I pull my skirt up and take the glass to my leg. I wasn't crazy. I just needed to feel something.
I slowly press the glass into my skin. i close my eyes and press even harder. 1..2..3.. I jerk the glass to the right. i tilt my head back against the car seat and let out a sigh. blood was running down my thighs. it wasn't enough. I place the glass back against my leg.
"ALEXA??" my mom says while walking out the door
Ye- yes coming! I quickly unwrap the gauze and wrap it around my leg about 4 times rip off the piece with my teeth and tape it down. I pull my skirt down shove everything back into my bag and wipe my tears. COMING!
yeah, mom?
she wraps her arms around me. which honestly shook me. she hasn't hugged me like that in years.
"I was scared I didn't know where you went thought you ditched us"
no mom I was just looking for my phone I thought I left it out here.
"okay dear let's continue to dinner"
I walk with my mom back into the house. ben was standing by the table.
"I think me and Alexa are going to walk to my house now"
my mom glances at me then back at him. "alright you guys don't have too much fun"
he giggles and grabs my arm leading me back outside.
i make sure to not let a word out on the way back to his place. I wasn't about to risk being in that same situation I was in a few days ago. i didn't wanna let my guard down to him. but i didn't know how to stand up to someone who was almost 2 feet taller than me.
After a while of silence, we are now at his house. his house was nice. nicer than mine. Ben pushed me in first and closed the door behind him, i felt all the stomach swirling feelings again.
Sure you wake me up but you drain me out. i feel we are far to young to be waisting our souls over some frantic love. i dont want to break down now but i didn't know what was coming for me. i felt as if i was in a hallway. a long hallway. no rooms. pitch black. nothingness. at the end of the hallway there's a slight peek of light. maybe if i ran id be okay. but behind every door I've opened was another horrific thing waiting to happen.
Id do whatever i could do to try to let you go. id run and never stop. im not entirely here half of me is still in that bathroom were you took my belovedness to yours.
