Marina Stories

Chapter 1 - Your Mama

She has her eyes closed, barely sleeping. She feels Maya's hands on her belly. They are in their bed, she must have fallen asleep at some point while reading her cook book. Maya was lying beside her reading and talking about how to baby proofs the house. Her voice blabbing had given her such a calming feeling that she had fallen asleep, she keeps her eyes closed, she doesn't know how much time has passed. Maya must have moved, came closer to her, but she is still talking, Carina thought. She could feel her hands on her belly, on their son. She knows she should move, touch Maya's head who is almost lying on her belly, make Maya understand that she has woken up, but she won't. She wants to hear that talk. To steal those moments between her firefighter and her son, and keep them deep inside her mind, her heart.

"I am not tall, you know. It has never affected me." Maya was whispering. "I never had an issue with my height, I was always smart, always strong and that was the important thing, at least for my dad. Not being tall, proved a plus for my running too, he will say. So I never had an issue with it. Until your mama came at the scene. Your mama is tall. At least taller than me. And it started to bother me. A bit. Because sometimes I want to hold her the way I want, and I want to kiss her the way I want and to lead her the way I want, and it frustrates me. I know she doesn't mind. But it bothers me. You know your mama, is so beautiful. Imagine someone with her beauty in high heels. She doesn't wear them that often, not since she is with me. She knows, the height difference, it shows."

There is silence for a few seconds and Carina feels her son moving, as if telling his mother to continue talking.

"She does something, at the way she is taller than me, she does something, the way she places her hand, her arm around my neck. That drives me crazy, it's the most loving thing. You will see. You will understand when you see her. When you meet her. Her touch, she has something your mama. I don't know how I will be with you, you are now 7 months, two months away from coming in this world and I don't know. I still have thoughts that I hide from your mama, things, a lot of anger, things she doesn't know, things I don't think I'll ever tell her, about me, about your grandfather, about my brother, about my mother, things you will never know either. You don't need to know, you and your mama. You will understand.

We are different, me and your mama. I don't know what kind of a mother, what kind of a parent I will be to you. But you shouldn't worry. Because you have your mama. You are lucky. You will understand. I know I'll try. I won't allow anyone or anything to hurt you, or your mama, but I don't know, if I will be the one to hurt you. I already hurt your mama, you know. And she has forgiven me. The person that she is. She changed my life your mama, you know. Oh, you will understand. It's funny, how we met, I don't know she will probably tell you. When we met, I was on another kind of life, another lifestyle. And she changed everything for me. And how could she not? She is something else your mama."

Carina feels Maya's hands slowly massaging her belly following her son's movements.

"I am strong you know. Really strong. And I'm not afraid of anything." Maya moved her head. "I mean I used not to be afraid of anything. And it's true, it's not something I'll say. I wasn't afraid of anything. Not even dying. But the moment your mama came onto my life, I have one fear. That I'll lose her. And now you. It's strange, isn't it? Your mama, she has lost so many things in her life, so many people, and she still is so positive, she gives and gives. You will understand. I was so bad in my life, I didn't know, can you believe it? I thought I was good.

Yeah, someone who dreamed of death as the final goal, as the final peace of mind, thought she was good. And your mama came and changed everything. She surprised me you know. She still surprises me at every turn. Sometimes I am in awe of how she gets me, how she understands me. And we are so different. She is light your mama. And I don't mean light as if not heavy, she is the light. And it's just not only her soul but it's whole. You should see her move, dance, talk, sing. You should see her yell. Everything she does she has that grace. I wonder, I can't wait to see you. I hope you will take everything from her. This light she has that makes everyone around her and near her glow. I don't know, if you will take anything from me, and I don't know if I would want you too. People, She. Oh, I am sure of it. She will make sure you know. I am an Olympian you know. People hear that and see me as something huge, as something special. She will make sure you know, because she is such a cheerleader for me. She is my biggest fan and biggest supporter and as much as strong as I am, her belief in me makes me even stronger. You will understand."