Shawny

prologue

She's gone. The girl i loved has just slipped right through my fingers, and theres no getting her back. You can't reverse time, or fast forward to future, where i hopefully will be healed enough to leave my dingy bedroom. My parents don't even know why I'm stuck up here, and they may never know. Why should they? They never knew Shawny. They never knew about her beauty, brains, or how her smile gave the slightest dimple in the corner of her eye. The key word is "knew". Shawny took her own life. A rope, slightly fraying, hanging from her ceiling. A chair standing right beside it. But that chair wasn't standing for long. I can never forget that day. Her neighbor, by best friend Chaz, texted me. He said he heard Shawny's mother scream. Knowing how in love with Shawny i was, and still am, Chaz knew i would run as fast as I could. I got to the house, and the front door was wide open. Sobs were the only sound to be heard as I stood on the porch. Do i go in? Or do I knock. After all, no matter how hard my heart is beating, the adrenaline flowing through my limbs, being rude is not an option. My heart skipped a beat as my phone rang. Before i got the chance to even look at who was calling me, a voice from inside the house whispered to me.

"Who's there?" it begged for an answer.

"It's uh... it's Clark," i managed to stumble out, despite knowing they wouldn't know who i was. "I'm Shawny's friend."

No answer. Just a load, obnoxious sob. My heart stopped. Why did the mention of Shawny hurt them. Without a second thought, I rushed through the open door, and up the stairs. I'll never forget the creaking of the floor. The moments, minutes, seconds before i saw it. Shawny. Lying on her bed. The noose hanging from the ceiling, a knocked over chair, and rope burns spinning around her neck. My mouth dropped open. I couldn't speak, or move any of my limbs. I was frozen. Her mother looked up at me, and her horrified gaze met mine.

"You did this to her!" she screamed at me. "You hurt my daughter! You caused her to do this!" Her tears became uncontrollable, just as I had heard her when I was standing outside on the front porch.

I didn't know what to say to her. She wanted to blame someone for the passing of her daughter, and I just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. But how could she blame me? She didn't even know I existed. Or maybe Shawny had spoken about me. Though I doubted that very much. Sometimes I felt invisible to everyone, especially Shawny. We had no classes together, except for homeroom, but she was a cheerleader. A great one at that. I loved watching her cheer. She seemed so joyful, so full of spirit, like nothing was wrong. Her life was filled with loving friends, and enough secret, and not so secret admirers, to make every girl in school jealous. Then I dawned on me. I was on of those boys. One of the many boys that sat in the bleachers, and watched down on her, as she flung her ponytail, and some how had the enthusiasm to get the crowds of our losing team to be pumped up. She was incredible. And at that moment, I was staring at her body. Lifeless, no pulse, no breathing, and a scowling mother glaring up at me.

"No, I..." stammering is all my brain would allow at this point. "I would never. I loved her." I recall the feeling after telling her mother that. The blood rushed to my face, and I felt hot. I knew my face was beat red. The "I love your daughter" line is never easy, but it seemingly was much harder considering the daughter was dead. Gone. No going back. It was all over.

Her mother didn't even look me in the eyes. I turned and ran. Ran as fast as I could away from that house. I got to the point where my adrenaline was pumping, but my stamina was gone. I fell to the ground, and cried. A 16 year old boy lying on the ground, in the middle of town, just crying. Like a little baby. But what else was I supposed to do? Act like nothing happened. Pretend that my dream girl didn't just kill herself. I think I had a pretty reasonable reaction.

My phone wouldn't stop ringing. Chaz. I ignored it. I couldn't bare to talk to him. He never like Shawny much anyway. Thought of her as too easy. Said he wanted a girl with morals. Every time it was brought up in conversation I shook it off. Didn't stand up for her. I didn't tell him off, or defend her. I merely let my best friend talk about the love of my life, behind her back, and let him call her a slut. Yes a slut. As the concrete resisted my tears, they began to build under me like a pool. I was swimming in my own tears. I felt alone. No best friend, cause god knew I couldn't go back to a friend that said such things about that girl, and now she's dead? All I knew, is I needed to figure out the reasons why. Why did she take her own life? Who caused such a happy girl, disgusting pain? And how! Shawny always had a smile upon her face. Never could anyone tell she had a problem.

I knew what I had to do, but to this day, I haven't succeeded. I've been wallowing away in my bedroom, only leaving for school, for a month. My parents don't know why. They think I'm being bullied. Which i am, it just doesn't bug me like they think it is. I won't even get food. The standard three meals in a day are brought up by my mom, and it's my choice on whether or not I'm going to eat them. Most of the time I can't. I have no appetite. In fact, I feel tjat if the slightest bit of flavour touches my tounge, I'll vomit. And the fact that there is nothing for me to vomit, it could become very, very bad.

My mom always told me how she had never seen any man cry the way I was. Personally, the way I let Shawny slip away made me feel nothing like a man. I felt like a stupid child. I knew better, but my brain wouldn't allow me to think properly. It never dawned on me that someday she just might have been gone. And that someday came far to soon. I remember being so angry at myself, having survivors guilt. Why did such an amazing girl, have to suffer so badly? That's the only question that ran through my brain for the longest time. I even wanted to commit suicide myself , feeling as though it all should have been me. A girl like Shawny in no way should have deserved anything, what ever it was.

At this point in time, I can't get myself to go back to her house. I need to go back though. There are clues in that house, maybe even the closure that will save my life. But it's my job to muster up any courage i have, and try to be the man I should have been from the beginning. Hers. That's all i have ever wanted to be. And even with her gone, I still have my chance. I just can't blow it. This is my time to get close to the person I should've been in a relationship with. Maybe I would've been, if only someone had gotten to the root of her problem quick enough.