Night Shanghai

4

 AFTER THAT NIGHT, we didn't get to hangout much because her parents were bringing her back to Sichuan for the last few weeks of summer break to visit her grandparents. Bored and not really knowing what to do with myself, I was stuck around the house, roaming around and sleeping for most part of the day.

So bored that eventually, out of nowhere I asked my grandma: "Why don't we have any pictures of my mom?"

She was peeling green peas for dinner tonight, and she lifted her soft wrinkled eyes to gaze at me

"Why this all of a sudden?"

We never discussed issues about my parents. And so, I didn't really know much about my origin. It's always just been me and my Grandma. I don't exactly remember this but she told me my father was in my life for a while, until he passed away when I was two. Though we still had pictures of him, and baby pictures of me and him and Grandma. Stories about my father from when he was younger was still told. But I have never heard anything from my mother.

"I don't know, it's just that I was wondering why we don't have pictures of her but we have it for Dad."

She resumed peeling the peas, not making eye contact. "We don't need pictures of her."

"Why not? She's my mom."

My grandma has always been kind, and she almost never had a temper. But at what I said, she huffed, and her tone was annoyed.

"Well is she here right now? Have we seen her? Has she taken care of you?" She looked up, and her eyes were fierce and standing.

I didn't say anything.

"This family doesn't need pictures of someone who has never contributed anything."

That evening, the air hung a taste of sourness. We didn't exchange another word about this topic, but I still wondered about the mysterious face I've never met before.

—————

When Huang Xiao Mei came back, we hung out for the last few days left of summer break. She told me about all the things she did in Sichuan: how spicy the food was, her grandparents that had a really old house but was super cool, and how she fed a cow that almost bit her hand off. I never really went anywhere outside of Shanghai, and so whatever she said fascinated me, even if it was still within China.

Throughout the course of these last few days, we also did some other things. I didn't know what to label it then, and I suppose she might've known but never said anything. We'd be in my room, and the air is nice and cool as the heated air from the day starts to cool down while the night slides in. The fan blows back a breeze against us on my bed, in which we share moments where our lips touched. She was usually the one who started it, and during these times we never exchanged a word.

I still remember how it felt: Her soft skin, her warm lips, her hair that brushes my face, and our small hands that intertwined.

I hadn't known then that what we were doing was "wrong". No one ever told me about these things, but I assumed to myself that this is what people do when they like each other. Did Huang Xiao Mei and I like each other? I knew I liked her, but I felt confused. My parents were never here to tell me about boys, and so what if it's a girl?

Except either way, that summer felt like living in a dream, a bubble that protected us.

—————

Huang Xiao Mei and I started talking less when middle school started.

I always knew that Xu Jia Hui Middle High was famous, but I forgot to anticipate that it was set at a much higher expectation for its students. Once coming back from school, I would rush home to call Huang Xiao Mei on our home phone. She'd answer and talk to me for a minute or so to tell me about the school and her day, but then she'd tell me she had to hang up because she had a lot of homework.

We hung out maybe once or twice during the first few weekends, and eventually that led to none too because she had scheduled extra curricular activities from her school.

I guess I didn't know the feeling of really missing someone until then. I missed Huang Xiao Mei. I missed going to school with her, I missed talking to her, and I missed being with her. I missed the days where she'd come over to spend time with me.

And then, one day, my calls to her house were answered by her mom, who would tell me with an unfortunate tone: "I'm so sorry, Han YuYe, Huang Xiao Mei is really busy these days. I'll tell you she called and she'll call you back when she can!"

I waited by the home wired phone every day after school. No calls came. I asked my Grandma if she ever called, and the answer was always no.

And then when I couldn't stand it anymore, I went to her house myself.

I was surprised by a stranger that answered the door.

"Oh, you mean the Huang family?" The guy that answered the door, their door. "They moved away from here about a month ago."

I felt something in my chest drop. Where did they go? Why didn't she tell me?

A dozen questions bubbled around my head. This doesn't make sense, Huang Xiao Mei would tell me if she was going to move.

Fixing my attention up to the stranger, I asked, "Do you know where they moved to?"

"Not sure, but I heard something about a better neighborhood after one of her parents got a better job." He rubbed his chin, then, he pointed behind us, where the building apartments of the newer compounds were. The buildings the richer kids were in. "Ah, perhaps they moved to one of those. People who are getting money these days are all going there now."

I walked back to my house dreadfully, my mind spinning.

For weeks, I tried to contact her. I went to her parents' grocery, but it was no longer managed by them. They had hired people to manage instead. Had they really grown from the poverty we were in together?

Nothing worked. It was like she was completely wiped out, even if she still went to the school that was a few blocks away from my house.

—————

Half a year later, that was the moment I stopped yearning for whatever that we had before to come back.

I was shopping with my grandma for groceries that day, and we were near her school. A group of girls were chatting loudly and giggling, their voices a disturbance to the ears. But when I looked at one of them, I could never forget that face anywhere. She had changed her hair, and she looked...different. Cleaner, more put together. She had always been a bit more boyish and rough, but now she was almost girly. It was surprising, but that didn't stop me from going up to her and calling her name.

I was so happy, the joy in me bouncing up and down. I finally found her! Right here, in front of me!

"Huang Xiao Mei!"

The heads of all the girls turned. When she and I locked eyes, I felt something churn in my stomach, a mixture of a good and bad feeling.

They were whispering, and then glancing from me to her back and forth.

"Do you know her?" A girl with a nasty-judgmental voice asks her.

She looked at me, and it was then that a strong disappointment hit. She looked down at the floor, as if ashamed.

"No, I don't know. Let's go."

The grocery bag that was in my hand suddenly weighed heavier. I was like a statue there, unmoving. The busy streets of Shanghai pass by me, people shoving their way through and telling me to move. But I just stood there, watching, until I could no longer see them.