Words Hurt

realization

I'm finally home i tell myself. Today was hell. It's probably always hell for kids with autism. I wont be different, i wont change. I told myself. I thought about the struggles that i've gone through with autism and i started crying. why me? i asked myself. why me? I so desperately wanted to be normal. I chuckled a little when i remember my mom telling me " you are normal". " you may have a few struggles, but everyone does". I looked around my room and realized the saying that everyone knows is painted on my wall " Nobody's perfect" I hated that saying because it basically reminded me that something was wrong with me. That i have autism. The tears started rolling down faster. When i realize that i wouldn't stop crying because of all the hurt and anger and pain i have inside me. I decided to take a shower. I liked taking showers. They are my favorite part of day. I get to relax and get all the dirt off of me from the day. As i was winding down i. the shower, my mom came in my room and said "dinner is ready". I told her that i wasn't hungry. Of course she asked "what's wrong". I just told her i had a big lunch and that i'll have a big breakfast in the morning to make up for it. I sighed a relief when she didn't ask any more questions and closed the door. I knew she didn't believe me. This was my normal routine when my autism decided to affect me. I decided to get out of the shower and go to sleep. I woke up not wanting to go to school. But it wasn't because i was tired or i didn't finish my homework. Yes we had homework. It was just writing down a paragraph about ourselves and turn it in. Anyways back to the point it was because of this one big reason. I had autism and i completely made a fool of myself the first day of school. I also didn't want to go back because i was afraid i'd shutdown and do a repeat of yesterday. I was finally dressed and i ate breakfast. My mom left me a note saying 'Have a great day and sorry i cant take you to school. The bus comes out 8:03'. What! No! i'm afraid of the bus. I dont want to be made fun of before i get to school. Great. I decided to suck it up and go on the bus i mean it was the only way to get school. I was standing there when i saw a yellow bus come. I started shaking because i was nervous. When the bus stopped in front of me, somehow i knew this wouldn't be good. I got on and looked up to find and empty seat and thankfully there was on in the front. I breathed a sigh of relief and sat down. Once the bus starting moving again i heard a familiar voice. The guy who made of me yesterday. I slightly turned around to see if it was him and definitely was. He had dark brown hair and blue eyes. I decided to turn around but i was to late when he " Hello i,uh,uh, remember me"? i immediately tensed in my seat. i didn't even dare to move. "Hey i'm talking to u" he said. "H-he-llo" i stuttered in a weird way. "Do you know how to talk"? he said. I looked down and stared at my feet. I was hoping he would stop talking and he finally did after he called me a loser. I wanted to cry so bad but i held my tears in till we got to school. I ran off the not caring if i looked like a fool. My tears wouldn't hold anymore and i didn't want anyone to ask me whats wrong or something like that. I cried silently thinking what a jerk. As i was crying i thought to myself why couldn't i just say that to him. As i was thinking all these thoughts i heard the bell ring for 1st period. shoot! I quickly wiped my tears not caring how i looked and ran to my 1st period class. Before i got to the door i decided to catch my breath. After i caught my breath i knocked on the door. A girl with emerald green eyes and dark brown hair opened the door for me. I said thank you and walked to my seat. The teacher the introduction about how were all going to read the paragraph for homework. When she said that i froze in my seat and felt the blood drain from my face. I couldn't do it. Speaking in front of the class was hard for me and it was only because of my autism. Sometimes i wish i was shy. I mean at least i wouldn't get scared when people talked to me. I realized that i seem to be snapping out of my thoughts a lot when i heard the teacher same someones name. Suddenly everyone turned around to see me and i didn't know why but it was making me uncomfortable. As my classmates were staring at me the girl with the emerald green eyes and dark brown hair said the teacher called my name. I grabbed my sheet of paper with my paragraph on it and i walked up to the front of the class. "Hello my name is stephanie" i said in a really quiet voice. My teacher nudged me and said they can't hear you. I swallowed really hard and i started speaking again. " I h-have a-autism". They started laughing as i realized i was sweating buckets. I looked and i just saw laughing teenagers. The teacher tried to touch me but i backed away so quickly i knocked down a stack of papers. Some of them were holding their stomachs from laughing so hard. I picked up a few papers and ran out the door. I ran to the restroom and cried so hard. I hated high school so far. It's only been a month and i'm being picked on. That made me cry harder. I stopped crying when i saw two feet in front of me. I looked up with tear-filled eyes and saw the girl with emerald eyes and dark brown hair." Hi, i'm emily" she said. I start fidgeting with my fingers nervously. But i realize this may be my only chance to make a friend. So i wipe the tears from my eyes and say my name. " Its nice to meet you stephanie". I lift my head up and look up at her. "My brother has autism so i know how you feel". I still don't speak. After a few seconds of silence she asks. "Do you want to come over"? I smile at the gesture and say yes.