Words Hurt

Time to live

I woke up feeling sad and hurt. I don't know why i feel this way but i do. Maybe it was because of all the thoughts i thought about last night. Maybe it was because half of the school hated me. Maybe i woke up this way because i was afraid all the comments and teasing would get worse. Were on fall break so thats good. I can clear my mind the whole week. I can also refresh myself. I got up and i toke a shower and ate breakfast. After that i grabbed a book and started reading.

As i was reading i got a text. It was from Lucas asking me if i could hang out today. I don't know if i can do this. I'm nervous that I'm going to mess it up. But as i think of the thoughts i thought last night, i at least have to try.
Me: yes i can hang out today.
Lucas: Can i pick you up at 3pm?
Me: yes, do u know where the park is?
Lucas: the one near school?
Me: Yes, lets me there.

I went to my moms room and told her that i was going to hang out. Then i sat down on my bean bag and read.
* 2 hours later *
Its 2:50pm and i just finished my book. I get up and go to the bathroom to see if i look okay. After i'm done making sure i look ok i grab my phone and i tell my mom i'm leaving. I text Lucas telling him that i am heading to the park. The park isn't that far away from my house so i'm 2 minute early. Since i'm early i go swing on the swing. I thought Lucas would be late, but he wasn't. "Hey" he said. I look down at my feet and breathe in. I can do this i tell myself. I can do this.

"Hi" i said. "what's up". Woah i'm talking to him easily. I wasn't quiet and i didn't even stutter. Ok good job! I tell myself, keep going. " Do you want to go get some hot chocolate". I say yes while looking down at my feet. "ok, lets go" he says. I follow him to his car.

It feel like i've know Lucas for years. It's hard to talk to him,bur it's not that hard. We don't talk that much while were driving thier. Maybe he knows i have a hard time communicating. If he's thinking that he's not wrong. But i'm going to try my best to communicate. I hope that all this confidence i have actually works. I hope it doesn't fail like it did with high school.

For some reason i want to talk so i talk. " You know i can talk right" i said. He chuckles a little and says " Ya i know". " Well, is there anything you want to know about me". " Whats your favorite color"? "Really, out of all the things you could ask me you ask me that"i said. "Well ya" he says. " My favorite color is pink". Thats enough talking for me so i just look put the window for the rest of the way. We finally got there and before i could open the door Lucas opened it for me. I smiled and said thank you.

He smiled back and said your welcome. We walked in the coffee shop and there weren't to many people. But i started getting nervous and looked at the ground. Lucas must if noticed because he grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. I didn't look up or speak until we got our table. Lucas pulled my chair out and pushed me in when i sat. Then he sat down. "It's okay" he said. " If you don't want to talk that's ok". I hated that my autism decided to affect me right now but it did. So i grab my phone out and texted him. That's how we talked on our date. Wait date? I guess i wanted it to be a date, so i texted him and asked him.
Lucas: Do u want it to be a date?
Me: ya do u?
Lucas: Yes :)
Me- ;)

I liked this new confidence that i was feeling. I knew it would go away because my autism affects me occasionally. My medicine helped me. I spent the whole afternoon texting Lucas.

I woke up with confidence and happiness. I felt like me and Lucas were growing closer. I'm not sure if i was going to date him, but i highly doubted it. I mean what's the chance of us working out if i can really show my feelings by texts. Just because every time i try talking to him i'm either to quiet or it takes me five minutes. I went downstairs and i ate breakfast. I had eggs,bacon,and orange juice. My mom drove me to school. I got out the car and thanked her.

When i walked inside school i wish i didn't come because i knew i was going to be the laughing stock of the day. I quietly walked to my locker and i was afraid to open it because of what happened last time. I'm tired of people making fun of me. If they just get to know me i bet i'd be one of the popular kids.

It's just one thing is holding back. autism. Sometimes i wish i wasn't born. Its hard for me. These people in front of me, my classmates they were born lucky. They don't have a disorder holding them back from living. I just walk to my class and on the way someone trips me and they all start laughing. " Your worthless" one of them said. I slowly got up and walked to first period. I took longer than usual because i hurt my knee so of course i was late. I was tired of being late because people made fun of me.

Apparently someone saw so the door opened. As i walking in someone said quietly said " piece of shit". That made me more sad. But of course i didn't say anything back. I walked to my seat and decided to write a note to my teacher telling her that i had autism. Because i don't need to be late. Finally class was over and i slipped the note on the teachers desk and walked out.

"Hey" said someone. I turned around to see who it was. It was Lucas. I didn't say anything back and just walked to my next class. * hours later*
I should've said hi back to Lucas, so i just decided to text him back.
Me: sorry for not saying hi i was in a bad mood.
Lucas: Its ok.
Lucas: hey do u want to go this party?
Me: parties aren't my thing
Lucas: c'mon u r cool u'll be fine
Me: do u remember that i have autism?
Lucas: don't let that affect u
Me: but it does

I did want to go this party but, i'm good around people. I spend most of my days looking at the ground. Or anywhere else except people. But hey this would be my first party. I'm 17 and this will be my first party. I should have fun and live it a little. I should at least go so people wont think I'm boring. I will try my very best not to let my autism affect me. It may not work but i decided to go.
Me: ok i'll go
Lucas: great
Me: when is it?
Lucas: two weeks from now

Two weeks till my first party. I was excited and nervous at the same time. I should tell my mom. I walk downstairs and tell my mom. "mom" i sat quietly. "Yes" she says loud which makes me look at the ground. " Can i go to this party two weeks from now"? "No" she said. "Why"? "Because its not good for you and you barely talk at home". "Whats not good for me". "Anywhere where people are". I cant believe my own mother just said that. What was she trying to tell me? I'm going to this party whether my mom likes it or not. I am good for people. It's just some people aren't lucky. They get stuck with a disorder.

It's been 11 years since i've had this disorder. It has controlled me for 11 years. Its time to live. Its time to have fun. Im going to live whether my mom likes it or not.