Journey to the new me

Chapter 16------Crusher and Crushee

When you decide what you want, then, how you'll do it will emerge. Planning cures disorder.

Sometimes, we really do things we don't want to do. All for what? The best actually..

After thinking over and over again I came to a conclusion.

Truth be told, it wasn't an easy task. I thought about how It'd feel like to let go of my crush on Jerry and it was no fun at all. It's not even something I'd like to think about.

Having a crush on him and keeping it to myself for about two years is torturing enough. Not even Angel knew about it.

And then, my crush of two years finally noticed me and even asked me out. Could I have let go of him? Wouldn't it be emotional suffering? Was it true that I would loose focus if we continued dating. I thought about all these things and I was still confused.

Not until I thought about one certain woman did I understood what my conclusion should be.

I thought about how happiness always reflected in those eyes whenever she looks at me. How she's always so proud of me. How she usually remind me of how much joy I brought to her as her first child. How my family look up to me with so much expectations. How I couldn't bear to disappoint them. How I can't even bear lying to her.

Then finally...I came to the conclusion of letting go of my long time crush, even though it hurts.

It was that easy to think in my mind that I would just simply tell Jerry that I wanted to break up with him and then everybody could just move on, but it wasn't as easy as I thought.

I had told him I wanted to see him that afternoon and when I saw him, my tongue refused to cooperate with me and all silly me could do was to stammer.

He hugged me and I couldn't even say anything. He asked me what I wanted to tell him and all that surrounded us was silence.

After few minutes of silence, he kissed me on my forehead and left. It was as if he knew what I wanted to say. How could I have even told him that I'm breaking up with him when he was being so sweet.

The next day, I went to school with a very strong will in my heart. Mide came to me and tried asking me what my plan was, but I didn't utter any word.. I didn't want her talking me out of it not to talk of her sudden interest in my matter which I found strange and irritating. She's always asking for every detail.

During break I met with Jerry and the same thing that happened the previous day happened again. What surprised me was that he wasn't even curious about what I had to say, instead, he told me to take my time and talk to him when I was ready.

Throughout my class that day I wasn't concentrating on what the teachers were teaching. Wasn't it just a statement....and I couldn't even bring myself to say 'I want to f**king breakup with you!'. I was frustrated because each time I was about to tell him, those look in his eyes made me swallow my spit. I was in a tight corner. I didn't want to hurt him or myself in the process.

After closing, I couldn't hold it in any longer so I went to his class and fortunately for me, he was just about heading out. We walked outside without attracting attention because we both agreed to keep the relationship on the low. When we got to the music room, we heard people talking so we went to the back of the music room.

Mide's words kept ringing in my ears and I became afraid of hurting his feelings so instead of talking I asked him the first thing that came to my mind 'how are you'... He answered and asked why I wanted to see him.

And boom! I didn't know where the courage came from, I told him I'm breaking up with him. He gave me a look of are you being serious right now.

When he saw that I was serious, his look changed to an angry one and he asked the question 'why?'. I told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship yet and he was more than angry.

He asked me why I said yes to him in the first place when I knew I wasn't ready and of a truth I didn't know how to answer him. It was my fault for saying yes when I wasn't even sure of myself. I should have given it more thought before rushing into the relationship. At that time I just wanted to be with my crush not thinking of the implications and consequences.

Jerry left the place angrily and I felt like a weight in my heart dropped. I was finally able to spit out the word.

I got home that day and stayed in my room throughout.

Truly, when you decide what you want, then, how you'll do it will emerge. It's just a matter of deciding, then, every other thing would follow

I just had to decide on what I really wanted. I have a feeling that if I didn't tell him that day, I might not be able to do so again.

The next work for me now is to act on my words and not just speak for speaking sake alone but action.

I just hope I would be able to keep my words and truly get over him....I really hope.....

Actually, I've come to a realization that not all crushes are meant to be dated, lest the crusher and the crushee hurt themselves......is there even something like that?crushee..lol..

Author's note.
I'm very sorry for my inconsistency..
I hope I'd change.
I really hope.
Well......
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@inioluwa