The Art of being Lonely

Chapter 1: Comfort in what I know

Wednesday 24th August 2022

E. Navarro, 17 yrs old

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Sitting in a room full of people can evoke some of the strongest feelings of loneliness ever, and the feeling itself doesn't come alone. It brings its equally frustrating friends too, extreme jealousy and worthlessness, personally I can't help but feel completely comfortable in it. The warmth that being depressed can bring is a masochistic cycle of never getting better but deep down in your sick mind you are happy that you aren't. Like a familiar being that follows you around, but that same comfortable being wants nothing but the worst for you. However, the saddest part is you still cling on to it because you dislike change due to a major fear of the unknown. There is always comfort in what I know, to lose all sense of direction breeds uncertainty and anxiety.

But back to the party, I am currently sitting at the back of a wedding hall with my phone and a plate of half eaten buffet food that I completely lost all interest in. All I can focus on is the dance floor, fixated on people dancing on it. I want to get up and dance with them, enjoy the music and let loose for once but in the corner the being is there again. Large, but mesmerising and hypnotising to the point where I can't take my eyes off it. A looming creature that ushers me back into the comfort of my chair. In the back of the hall. Alone.

I am jealous, so very painfully jealous of those that have managed to part ways with their parasitic companions. This is why I detest being alone in a party, an event that is meant to be one of the most joyous gatherings that can make the most negative and borderline shameful emotions appear. No, of course its not anyone's fault that I am alone yet I want to blame the entire world simply because I cannot accept that it is my own issue - simply shifting the blame is the most suitable option for a person like me. Obsessed with the creature that claims to be my friend, I will never be able to leave him. He is always there for me. When I am sat with a group of friends and I am invisible to everyone, he is there. When I am drowning in my own thoughts, he is there. When the world itself is too much for me, he is there. Whispering in my ear, reinforcing my twisted ideals and providing such persistent comfort no one else could. Maybe I'm slightly enamoured by this elusive being. He may be a soulmate of some sort, maybe we were destined to be.

Maybe I was doomed from the start.

I was dragged out of my thoughts when an old friend of mine came over to the table with his girlfriend of 4 years. She was nice , actually she was borderline perfect, but in true Elias fashion I was jealous as hell. He asked me if I wanted a drink, I accepted immediately as I needed something to give me the courage to continue going for the rest of the night. So I walked with him to a nearby drinks table and poured me a small cup of a polish liquor I couldn't pronounce. He asked me if I was ok and wanted to join him and his girlfriend on the dance floor but I politely declined saying that I wasn't feeling the best due to a headache. But even so we continued talking for a while before he excused himself to tend to his slightly tipsy girlfriend. What now I thought, there is no reason for me to stay in here , so I take a stroll outside the hall alone hoping to find something to do. I reached a little pond and sat on a bench watching a cluster of flies dance on the surface of the water. With the sun setting in the back and the peaceful ambience, for the first time today I felt myself relax. But a single chatter in the distance would put me back on high alert. To avoid this I did what any person my age would do and pull out their phone. I decided to call another friend of mine to see if I could shake the creature away. When he picked up the phone, he retreated back into my head. Now I could truly breathe.

I made a singular friend that entire night, unfortunately it was around the same time that everything started to blend together so I cannot seem to remember his name. However, his appearance and his presence itself will forever be in the back of mind. Slightly taller than me, curly ginger hair, matching moustache, brown eyes and the loudest most confident voice of the table. I cannot pin point exactly what made me like him so much, maybe it was the air or the confidence or the sort of energy that puts you right at ease. Or maybe I admired his eagerness to just dive into the culture around him and the willingness to shove his nervousness aside when it came to his own girlfriend. She almost gave him the courage to head to the same dancefloor that I had been trying to avoid all night.

I want to be there so bad, but every time I get close the eyes appear out of nowhere. Boring holes into the back of my head. Judging. Watching. It is unnerving and it makes my skin crawl.

Once I found that I had paced around and the venue enough, I decided that it was time to retreat for the night and recharge my social battery but of course the universe is never in my favour. As walked through the halls towards the rooms I was stopped by another friend of mine who decided that this was a perfect time start a conversation with me as she clearly struggled to stand straight for more than ten seconds. She was horribly drunk. I'd like to start this by saying I do not like being around drunk people at all, their unpredictability terrifies me. One minute they can talking normally the next they are throwing up just before your shoes. Some are aggressive, some are emotional but no matter what type of drunk they are, they are all unpredictable so it puts me on high alert. Unfortunately my friend is no different, she was prattling on about how she tried to make advances on some random guest but he had gently let her down. She - in the state that she was in - wouldn't take no for an answer and continued to follow him around. Then, she stopped talking and deep down I knew what was about to happen next. She grabbed my shirt and proceeded to throw up all over me. Out of shock I stepped back, pushed her off me and she fell backwards on to the carpet below us that was saturated in cups upon cups of assorted drinks and the meal that was served a while ago. She looked up at me and her brown eyes filled with tears but I was mortified and I could hear people rushing towards us, They asked us if we were alright and needed help. Not able to get a word out, I shook my head and pointed at her and they began to help her up. Out of sheer embarrassment, I started running towards my room and when I turned around, she was looking at me with tears freely flowing down her face as if to say ' I cannot believe you are leaving my like this'. As I write this I feel horrible that I left her to almost fend for herself, the people assisting were strangers to her. 

I felt nothing but shame and disappointment for myself days after the wedding because my friend reached out to me and apologised but I could tell she was mad. She told me that people assisting were really helpful and looked after her well even in the morning, though the tone of the text seemed off and that was enough for it to pick that up and send me spiralling in thought.  There were some moments in the conversation that made me feel like the biggest piece of shit ever. So I thought she would never want to talk to me again, instead of waiting for her to push me away, I ripped the band aid off and stopped responding to her all together later in the year. 

Because of the creature that leeches off of me, I have developed into this selfish monster. It is all about me and how I feel in that moment and the situation with my friend is the best example of that. Instead of worrying about how the people could've taken advantage of my friend or her choking and dying, I ran away from embarrassment. My biggest worry was being laughed at by the rest of the people at the wedding. What the fuck. I am horrible person who doesn't deserve to live. And I hate that creature but I also hate myself. 

However, I can't help but love hating myself.

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"Having mental health issues is an explanation but never an excuse" 

A bit of truth that is difficult to swallow. 

Remember it is ok to make mistakes but it is just as important to learn from the so we don't make them again. Be kinder to yourself and others.