Started With a Lie

Chapter Forty-Two

Chapter Forty-Two

I don't think anything could've prepared me to see him again.

    He's the same. Handsome. Tall. Effortlessly calm and suave. Still capable of breaking my heart with just a few words or touches. But, he's also different. His dark, navy blue suit looks like it's sagging on him, rather than pushing him to look confident. His tie seems normal but it looks like it's been tugged loose and then tightened more times than he blinks in a day. And his eyes. They look like two deep oceans full of grief and confusion. Almost pitiful. And he stands in front of me, as if waiting for me to begin saying something but it is him who has come to sit on my porch.

    "What are you doing here?" I ask gently. Maybe not so gently. I sound a little angry to be honest. Why do I sound angry?

     His mouth opens—in surprise? To speak?—but he closes it and presses his lips together. He takes a deep breath, rearranging the words he will say in his head. His first word almost makes me break. "Ivory."

    My hand clenches into a fist, my nails digging into my own palm, forcing me to acknowledge reality. I do this to remember why I left him in the first place. I do this to keep me where I should be. But my name hasn't been said in his voice in over a month now and I haven't seen him look at me like that for a while. My hand shakes as I try to keep myself focused.

    "Yes, that's my name," I say, curt. "Can you tell me why you're here?"

     In any other normal situation, maybe if I had fallen for a normal guy and we had broken up and I had found him sitting on my doorstep, I'd ask him to come in. I'd make him tea. I'd even ask what was wrong and what he was doing here so late. We'd be friends. I'd help him out with his problems even if we were broken up.

    But to tangle with Lee is to dance with fire. There is no safe spot with him. Being friends is not safe. Letting him in is not safe. Talking to him without a hint of rudeness is not safe. Because if I let him in, I don't think I'll let him ever go again.

    He doesn't say anything. He still has this wary look in his eyes but it calms as he looks over me. I look away from the heat of his stare. "Your hair's grown," he murmurs. He takes one step, his hand outstretched.

    "No." I take two steps back. My eyes go back to his, determined. "Why are you here, Lee?"

    "I missed you."

    "Don't say that."

    "What do you want me to do? Lie?" he asks, inching closer. "Tell you that I haven't spent every waking moment, which is every moment since I can't sleep without the fact that I am not with you physically or mentally, and that I am going into a completely rabid state of mind? I said I wouldn't give up on you. Sorry I'm late, but this is me not giving on you or us."

    His hands touch mine. How did he suddenly get so close? How did he sneak his way back under my skin again? I had been doing so well dodging him or the thought of him.

    I pull away. "It's over, Lee. It's been over for a while. You know this can't happen. We're now one month closer to whenever Penny is going to give birth. This is not a game anymore. It's real life. I think it's time we both accept that."

"But—"

"But what? It's not a good time anyway. I don't have time for a relationship either. With my mother and college and the bills and work, I have no time for myself, nevermind love," I tell him.

Lee's eyes dull for a moment. He looks...angry?

"No time for relationships or anything, huh? It seemed like you had enough time to be hanging out with Mark," he says. It feels like he's yelling but his voice is barely a whisper. "What? I'm not even worth the truth? Don't try to lie yourself out of this one. The news is everywhere. I wouldn't have believed it had it not been my very own eyes seeing him drop you off and your cute little embrace. I've had enough with your lies."