Weakness (Nikki Sixx)

2

Maybe I was kidding myself when I tried to tell myself that he wasn't attractive. Nikki was attractive. He used to be anyways. Now, he's falling apart at the seams. I watched him stumble about his apartment for drinks. "We're getting drunk now?" I asked. I stumbled over the couch. My eyelids felt heavy as the drug's effects began to wear off. I didn't remember shooting up at all. I wasn't sure that I'd had heroin and not just speed. "Why?"

"It's fun. It'll make you talk." He handed me a bottle. I went to grab it, and its contents spilled all over the place because I didn't have any grip on it. "Besides, I want to hear what you've got to say."

"I'm tired." I closed my eyes. His apartment smelled just as badly as he did. I knew that I was going to probably piss myself if I let myself pass out on the sofa like this. Then again, did it really matter? Who was I trying to impress? It still wasn't Nikki. 

"Then sleep. We'll talk when you wake up." He put his hand over my eyes and shut them. "I know you've been living on the streets."

"You took me to Van Nuys."

"I had to." He stroked my hair. "I wasn't sure if it was you at first. Then I knew; it had to be you." The calmness of the situation was not helping with my drowsiness. I wanted to ask him so many more questions. Why was he so dead set on finding me? I was a nobody. I was a nobody when he knew me back in the day. Compared to him, I was certainly a nobody now.

"Why'd you come back for me?" I asked him. I tried to hold back a yawn, but I failed at the task. 

"I didn't come back for you. I just wanted to know if things were still hard for you. I felt bad for you then."

"That doesn't seem right. You didn't care about anybody. You rejected me then. Why after all this time would you do this to me now? I was getting over it! I was going to have the man of my dreams come waltzing into my life any day now." Talking was getting harder as exhaustion coursed through my body. Nikki's sofa was much more comfortable than the streets of Hollywood that I'd been sleeping on before. 

"Maybe things are changing. I'm trying to be better." He continued to stroke my hair. My eyelids were still shut, so I started to drift off. "And we can start with the fact that I didn't give you real heroin."

"What?" I perked up at that comment. "You gave me-"

"Just sleeping pills." He chuckled. 

"You threw up!" I sat up, appalled.

"I'm drunk, you idiot!" Nikki laid me back down. "Now, go to sleep. We'll talk in the morning."

"I want to talk now," I mumbled. "We have a lot to talk about."

"Shhh," He hushed me. "Go to sleep." He played with my hair again, stroking my scalp ever so gently. The sensation made ever nerve in my body relax. For a moment, I remembered how I used to daydream and fantasize about Nikki. I thought about making him soft and sweet. He'd defend me from the evil bullies, but he'd be gentle with me. He would love me.

I wish I could've banished the thoughts before they came back. It'd be just my luck to start falling in love with Nikki again, wouldn't it? 

I woke up the next morning with Nikki laying on my lap. I perked up immediately. He was very heavy, and he still smelled horribly. I moved his head off of me, waking him from his slumber in the process. "Morning, Princess," He greeted me.

"Nikki-" I started, but he put a finger to my lips. He wore a dopey smile that I didn't think he could possibly have when he was so intoxicated all the time. I looked in his eyes, and I saw it then. There was still innocence in him. 

"It's too early. I need more sleep." He put his head back down on my lap.

"Get off of me!" I shouted at him, moving away from him again. "Control yourself, honestly."

"Do you still wanna kiss me as much now as you did then?" He sat up, looking at me with that same dopey smile. He was being genuine, and I knew it. I also believed that he was just looking for an ego boost.

"I never wanted to kiss you." I looked away from him, the lie more obvious than his curiousity.

"What was it like for you to know that I didn't feel the same way?"

"It was painful. I got over it." Lie.

"Then why are you here?" He cocked his head to the side a little bit. "You want to leave?"

"I wanted a roof over my head," I grumbled. "I'm just using you."

"I'm sure you are." Nikki stood up.

"What do you want from me?" I asked him. He had to want something, otherwise he wouldn't have taken me with him. There's no way that his motivation was simply to catch up with a kid from his past who he never actually liked in the first place. "Is it Tommy?"

Nikki looked at me sadly. "How'd you know?"

"I guessed. What's wrong with Tommy?"

"He's engaged. He's got love. I'll never have that for myself. I'm too busy doing other shit for love." He pointed to me. "When I saw you, I knew that there was hope. I knew that you were the guy at school who knew all about love."

"You're wrong about that. I don't know anything about love except for how to not get it."

"I think you know how to get it. Your problem is that you fall in love with people who don't know how to give it."

"If you want love, then why would you not give it? You want me to teach you how to love?" I almost laughed at his request. "You've got to be kidding."

"I don't want you to teach me how to love." He held up a needle. "I want you to teach me how to hate."

It was in that moment that I finally understood.