To No One In Particular

I don't really know anymore

I'm not sure how to feel anymore. I just feel bad.

I feel like there's something slightly lodged in my throat, but it's also kind of in between my heart and my stomach. It's kind of just staying there and it's deep and I don't like it.

It's just a deep feeling in my tummy where I don't feel comfy and just sad and I sort of want to cry but not about anything specific, just everything and it's like my entire body is just upset and unnerved all the way to the core almost like I'm just longing for something but I'm not sure what. It's anxious and nervous and it's like I'm always on the edge, ready for something to happen. It's like my body's preparing for a shock.

Sometimes it's like the feeling when your foot misses a step on the stairs and your stomach plummets, and then sometimes it's like you're just falling and you want to stop and just cry but you still can't.

Some days I feel everything at once. Other days I feel nothing at all. I don't know what's worse; drowning beneath waves or dying from the thirst.

I just really really don't know, anymore. I don't know how to feel, what to say, how to look, react, do... Anything I do I'll do wrong.

I don't know what I want. I want you but I can't be dealing with you right now. I love you but I hate you for being such an idiot. I need you, you're a drug to my body, but it's a bad drug, the one that kills your insides and slowly destroys your heart.