《headspace》

always, never

you always call me when you're down
you always come back around
when you're sad and tired and lonely,
because you know the answer will never be 'no'.

we're always something more
but never anything more
"friends," he says,
with his arms around me.

i'm always looking for you in crowds
seeing you in all these faces
seeing you in all these places;
you're never there, but hope is a funny thing.

we're toeing the line
how far is too far?
"friends," he says,
in the crook of my neck.

how many other
girls, like me, before me,
have you said these
sweet nothings to?

my heart beats me
senselessly, desperately,
"friends," he says, "let's stay friends," he says-
his lips on mine.

silent tears in
dark hours.
i'm scared, without you
are you too?

i remain quiet.
i lose my independence.
i lose my heart.
i lose you.

you are my always,
paramount importance
but i am your never,
your last resort.

9/3/22

author's note:
i wrote this poem when i was going through a really vulnerable point in my life. i still am, of course, but i have gotten much better since then. took a hell lot of courage to post this but oh well😃 its been a couple months, and the pain has dampened to a dull throb, and i now know that there's no way to make someone feel guilt for something he wouldn't lose sleep over. i was naive and expected more from him, as though he was some tortured protagonist and i, his willing victim. i know now, though. sometimes, no matter how hard you try to see the good in people, there's just not enough good in them left for you to stay. don't try to save anyone, or fix anyone- it's their own job to be a fully functional being, and it's their own life that they're living. if they're not willing to get their shit together, no amount of sacrifice you make will be enough for them. love yourself enough to walk away from a loveless, soul-sucking relationship. that's all the advice i can give. thank you for reading <3