The Weight of the World According To Harrison Carter

Weight of the World: Chapter 3

Fatass, faggot, queer, fairy. These are many of the names that my fellow students of Barron High School enjoy calling me. Of course, Harri The Fat Fairy is the harshest and the one that seems to have stuck. I have been tormented since I was in 5th grade, when I came out of the closet to my best friend, Maisy. To say she was shocked is a...well, a lie. Maze was unfazed by the news. She looked me in the eyes and said, "thank god I won't have to worry about you getting a crush on me and ruining what we have." Leave it to Maze not to give a shit and go on loving me.

Because Maisy was so cool I slowly started to tell others at school. Most were supportive, well, the girls were. The boys immediately started distancing themselves from me. Like somehow I'd changed over night. At the time, Garrett Willis and I were actually pretty decent friends. We weren't close like Maisy and I were, but we'd choose each other as partners in class or sit at lunch together.

When I told him he just stared at me. I'm not sure he fully understood what I meant when I told him I was gay. The next day at lunch he made a dramatic pronouncement when I came to sit with him at lunch. "You can't sit with me anymore Harri."

I was half way seated and I barely spoke my response, "But, why?"

"Why? Why? WHY?" that one word got louder and louder. "Because you're a faggot and my dad says we aren't friends with faggots."

It felt like the cafeteria got quiet and all eyes were on me. Looking back I'm sure it was only the few tables around us. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt. His words rang in my head over and over for days. Sometimes it was all I could hear.

FAGGOT

FAGGOT

FAGGOT

That does something to you. You start believing your own press. I pulled away socially from everyone but Maisy and a small group of accepting girls. I dropped out of the different sports I was playing at the time. No more baseball or soccer. I would go home right after school, watch tv, and stuff my face with the junk food in the cupboards. There was always junk food in the house.

I would eat a family size bag of chips when I came home, half a carton of ice cream, and then we'd go to McDonalds or Burger King for dinner. I quickly lost the healthy body I'd had and enlarged my waist and shirt size to accommodate my expanding girth. Now, I'm a 5'9" high school senior weighing in just shy of 240lbs. I'd love to be thin and confident and loved, but those aren't the cards life dealt me.

It's not easy to project confidence when everything society shows you informs your feelings of less. Models with six pack abs or waif thin, gym memberships, diets, clothes made with small, medium, and large as the majority of the size alternatives. And this trend of guys in crop tops? I mean, could you imagine me, belly hanging over my jeans, fully busting out of a crop top? I'm sure you can and I'll ask you to stop picturing it now. Tack that onto being openly gay in a small conservative town and my sense of inadequacy was locked an loaded from 5th grade onwards.

I save Owen's number in my phone and stop myself from texting him immediately. You've got to play it cool Harri, don't look desperate. He just wants to be your friend. This isn't your love story; that will come in college. But, a new friend? I haven't had one of those in years.

Mrs. Declan calls me to the front of the library to help her with a small project. This, gratefully, keeps me from obsessing over texting Owen, what I'll say, and whether he'll still be interested in being friends. I am an expert at falling down the pessimistic rabbit hole.

"Harrison," Mrs. Declan called out, "you can head out early dear. I know how treacherous traffic can be at the end of the day."

This is her dismissal to me every day, ten minutes early. I'm always thankful, I can avoid the jammed parking lot and the taunts of Garrett and his entourage. It's not all bad at school. I don't want to paint a picture of a bleak wasteland of sadistic jocks running amok tormenting students. Most students leave me alone, some are even complimentary. Since 9th grade I have been asked to sing solos at most of the major school events, particularly my junior and senior years. I also typically perform the lead in our school musical, and I audition for available parts at the local civic theatre. I have been able to build a nice fortress of safety in my small but vibrant theatre community.