Don't Go

8

"George? What happened?" My mother asked me once I got in her car. "I don't know." I said bluntly, I still really couldn't speak too well.

"George, what do you mean you don't know??" She asked me again, a frantic edge to her voice. I quickly grew frustrated, "I- I don't know.."

"There's no way you don't know what happened, come on, you can talk to me." She urged, speeding up the car. Tears started to prick at my eyes, I truly didn't know what had happened.

The rest of the car ride went back and forth yelling at each other, "What happened?" And "I don't know."

I walked into my house with tears running down my face and my mother frustrated. I sat down on my chair at the dinner table and started to untie my shoes. Dad came up to me and asked the same question mom did, "What happened? Are you alright?" I was getting tired of this.

"I- I don't know." I said sternly. My parents, again, began bombarding me with questions about what happened. I turned around, crying. "I n..need a- a br... br-break." I responded and walked up the stairs to my room and shut the door.

I immediately fell onto my bed and started to sob, what had just happened? I truly didn't know, I wish I did. I sobbed and sobbed until I couldn't. I grabbed my sketchbook and began to draw out my feelings, no one else was there to support me. I grabbed my headphones and phone and turned on spotify, pressing my playlist I listen to when I am upset.

I cried while listening to the music. I cried while drawing. I cried because I felt so hopeless. I cried because I just couldn't take this anymore. I wish I had jumped when I had the chance. But of course I chickened out.

It's funny how I am still alive. I have nothing to live for. No one to live for. No future. No hope. No nothing.

It's funny how I don't have the pills in my hand right now. It's funny how I am not already dead.

People think that it is so funny, joking about your insecurities. How short I am, how skinny I am, how antisocial I am. The worst is whenever I finally warm up to them and they leave because I am too 'weird'. I get it, I'm too much. Just tell me that before you just leave without an explanation.

Last year I went on a road trip with my family, visiting the Grand Canyon. I saw so many ledges where I could jump. I saw so many cliffs. I saw so many opportunities to end it all. And I didn't. I regret it.

I just hoped that it wouldn't get worse but I never felt so bad about myself before.

I just even think I am cursed sometimes. Ever since I was only 5 years old I began to have thoughts of suicide. Thoughts I have been so desperate to act on. And here I am.

I don't think that I will make it to college. I don't expect it.

Any day now.

Of course, my parents don't know that I feel like this. Hell, if they did, I would be in the Mental Hospital in no time. It's always better bottling up your feelings rather than telling others. They will end up looking at you differently. And not in a good way.

An hour passed before my mom knocked on my door and came in. "Hey George, want to talk about what happened?" She asked softly. I didn't look at her and stayed still and silent. I didn't feel like talking to anything or anyone right now. Not even her.

She sighed and started talking anyway. "I contacted the doctor and he told me that you had a panic attack. Basically where apparently the frontal lobe of your brain completely shuts down... I guess." She informed me, sitting at the side of my bed, eyes down.

"Look, honey, I'm sorry for yelling at you. I just got frustrated because I was so scared for you. I didn't know what was going on and the guidance counselor wouldn't tell me too much." She confessed, taking my hand in hers.

She lightly squeezed my hand and I had to blink back tears. I love her and I get that she gets angry at times, but I really just needed a breather.

"It's fine mom, I'm sorry for disturbing your work and making you come and get me." I apologized. Her eyebrows scrunched up and she shook her head, "Don't be sorry. You didn't disturb me. Plus, if you needed help, I would always pause my work to help you. I promise." She responded with a small smile.

"I'll leave you alone now. I'm here for you, always and forever." Mom said before getting off my bed and walking out of my room.

Damn.

Yo.... sorry for not updating dudes