Alive

Love? What Love?

Sometimes I think about Dying. Sometimes I think about Love. Sometimes I think about Living. But it's hard! There is so much that I want. There is so much I cant have. So much I wish i could do.

At night, I think about my friends. Which ones are my friends, and which ones aren't. I think about my girlfriends. How bitchy they can be. How horrible they are. How they complain about their life, while here I am, wishing I was dead. And then I think about how nice they are. How sweet and caring they can be. For every friend, I replay a nice and bad moment in my head. 

How, one day, i was crying about failing a class, and Julie was there for me! She held my hand, and she comforted me. How, I told her all my secrets and the secrets of my friends, said, "Don't tell anyone" . So a week later, five more people knew. "She didn't tell me that I wasn't allowed to tell anyone!!! " as if.

How I went to get a drink, and Lola came along. She grabbed my hand. " You know everyone is going to think we are lesbians, right? " " I don't give a shit" was her answer. How she is so overconfident that she thinks she's better than us in performing, in singing, in English. How she always takes over everything from you, because she's so desperate to be the leader, to be better.

How I want to talk to Bethany, because she's always there for me. She will watch movies with me on the bus. so she goes and watches a movie with my Ex, instead. The whole trip. She will never leave us for a boyfriend. So, she spends all lunch time with him and does not say hi to us once. How she can be so infuriating that I will bitch about her for ages, until she turns up. Then I take one look at her. " I'm Sorry." and I forgive. How she invited me to a concert. then i learned that i was her second choice. While I classify her as my Best friend. How she no longer sits with us, but sits with her boyfriend. I miss her.

At night, i think about my guy friends. Which ones are actually my friends and which ones are not. I think about love. I imagine the worst possible scenarios, that could bring him to confessing to love. and i think the best scenarios. Each scenario ends with me saying the 3 words. or him saying the 3 words. or not even that. Maybe us kissing.

I think about the guys I like. The guys I hate. The guys I love. The guys I trust.

I think about Jacob. How his opinions are sometimes very different to mine. how yet, we are still very similar. How he always is there to defend me. How he is very understanding and sweet. Sometimes. How he always seems to be embarrassed to be with me. To stand beside me. How he laughs, because i did something wrong. How he ignores me in school. How he always answers with "Ok." once I have told him a huge secret of mine. How he is as desperate as I am to have someone to love. How he is cute, but i refuse to think of him that way, due to the friendship we have made. How we can sit together in silence, and feel happy, but feel lonely when we don't sit next to each other. how I get jealous when another girl 'Cuddles' up to him. each friendship has its difficulties, they say. what do I do?

Ben. His blonde light hair always sits right. He always says the right things. He has the most amazing body. But I am not good enough for him. He can't talk to me because of his friends. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not witty enough. I'm not enough. So I choose to try not like him. But everyone knows, once you have a crush, only another guy can change that. Right? So that's what I did.

At night, I think about the guy that I hurt. That hurt me. Kaleb was not a pretty guy. But I was desperate. Alone. And in need for love. So I was infatuated with Kaleb. It was fake. Fuck. So now we don't talk. He sits with my friends, and i sit with his. But he's not there, and nor am I. sometimes ignorance is bliss.

So, at night, I wish for Love. I wish for Death. I wish for a fair life. But, you and I both know that's not going to happen. Not for you. nor for me. Its a shame, really? Life hates us. But it also loves us. so what do we do? that's not for me to answer. nor is it for you. But it will stay with us till our death. forever.

Hey Guys! I kinda Have No idea where this is going...it just popped up!

I hope you guys like it! let me know! i think this is another kind of introduction, the story that is coming up is a bit different...those who read this might see that their lives also kind of sound like this, well its based alittle ( really little) on my life...so feel free to let me know, as its supposed to compare to teenagers.

I hope you guys like!!!!

Love you guys!!!

XXX Juzz