Alive

The Internet

Isn't it funny how the internet can ruin your life? give you confidence? make you feel funny?

Despite, the fact that i feel beautiful, pretty, confident; as soon i feel judgement, its like every falls apart. that is my biggest fear.

 Like, Willow! Grow up! you are beautiful! and that's all that matters! right?

But the internet gives a chance to hide our facial features and let our emotions play the game of our life. 

So there i was, starting a conversation with Tony. One wouldn't believe the flirting things I have up my sleeve...the little tricks i have to get the right the answer....it scares me.

So i came to the conclusion, that i only force the answers out of boys by saying something that they have to agree to. i only do this, because I'm old fashioned. I want the boys to do the first move. Clearly, that makes my life so much more difficult. But, someone say I'm not the only one out there!? I might actually be. I mean, facts say that about 89% boys want girls to make the first move. But what if the guy doesn't like the girl? and the girl asks? how are you supposed to know? with clues? but what clues!? How do you know your not interpreting it incorrectly? I'm scared to be humiliated... so i rely on the 11% left over. And on the internet.

So I made Tony give me his number, and we whatsapped daily to the point where we flirt with each other on internet, but felt too awkward to speak in real life. It was amazing. He gave me a reason to dream, He gave me a reason to feel special.

He showered me with complements, love, and happiness. on internet. He is always kind, and always...ALWAYS respects my wishes. and maybe that's what puts me off. Maybe i want a guy who will push my boundaries...but not too hard. maybe i want a guy who isn't soppy nice, but likes to tease and then kiss me. maybe i want a guy who has confidence. because i want a relationship that isn't soppy, and cheesy. but more sarcastic, and sweet at the same time. each tease will have a hidden message. it would be like having a secret language. Maybe i want a guy that isn't clingy. And Tony is. clingy i mean. So that was the eventual problem.

and yet throwing away those thoughts, I told him, we could go out. After the holidays. 

each night, those thoughts haunted me, until i was so sure that i was doing the wrong thing. all the negatives jumped at me, and pushed down on me, to the point where i thought i was going to drown in my own thoughts. None of my friends knew about this. No one did. because i always forgot these thoughts and problems around them, and plastered a smile on my face. And as soon i was alone with him, they hit me. and they made me feel like a bitch. So, i stopped it.

I told him, the last day of school, before the holidays, I told him, that i couldn't. The day before my birthday. How ironic.

He still wanted to give me a present. However awkward, it may be. I cant say im not disappointed  he said. when i told him. It was my fault. I kept him on the line. Let him actually believe i liked him. I didn't even know what i was doing.

The strangest thing was that this amazing weight lifted off me when i said no. Everything bad, that couldve ever happened, had no chance of happening. And it made me feel free of the burden. But i didnt tell him that. I let him believe i didnt want a boyfriend, despite the fact that i do, just not a clingy one.

And would you believe me, if i told you that all this happened...on internet?

Because I'm too much of a chicken to say anything in real life. Sure, I imagine it, but i don't have that many guts. And I'm sure that I'm not the only one. right?

Three weeks later, And Willow has restarted the whole game. I know. I will never learn. Except, I learned something from the last experience. 

I have found a new boy. He is not attractive, nor is he ugly. But he teases, daily. and he's sweet. And i think i may have a new crush. So i will flirt. and I will get to know him. And maybe, just maybe, one day, I will date Max. The amazing thing is that...I don't have his number. I know! Willow, the famous flirt queen, doesnt have his number. I might actually have a chance! A spark of hope.

Yeah! Victory for Willow! me!

 Hey guys, I know its kinda wierd, and a bit short, but i hope you guys like it....Please Please Please, comment, like, and share! Also this isnt edited so, bear with me. sorry!