The Deceiving Winds

Numb

I am having a panic attack in my head, sweating, crying, shaking, weak and can't function.

I can't tell which way is up, and then just loose all sight, which terrifies me more.

The darkness takes over and my body goes numb.
This lasts for several minutes.

I have nothing left and end up lying on the ground feeling sorry, the darkness surrounds me, and I just lay there.
Trying to breathe.

Trying to get up.

It does not help that I know I should not be lying on the ground.

I can't breathe properly or move properly.

And I feel bad for crying when I know what is happening.

It should be someone else, not me.

Someone stronger, more resilient.

Someone who can handle the situation better than I do.

All this knowing and still not prepared for it.

I know what I have to do and where I have to go.

Where I need to go to be ok.

I am still dizzy, can't breathe properly, and feel terrible.

But I move.
I tried everything but failed.

I have no choice left.

I have to do this.

I leave, I go.

I need to find a way out of this world.

Someone who is brave and knows how to kill Me.

I feel guilty.

I know I have to do this.

I have to kill her, it is my duty.

So I jump.

In the darkness I feel the world move, so slowly, so non-threateningly.

I fly, faster and faster, it is almost like flying.

It's like a roller coaster, the fear of it giving you a sense of freedom, and control over your life.

I feel like the roller coaster ride.

I feel free, and alive and carefree, or so I thought.

Only this is worse.

It was freedom, this is hell.

The only thing worse than this, is not feeling anything, this is a shallow fall.

An empty space in your heart.
I can't do anything now, it's too late.

I'm in shock, I am numb, I don't feel anything.

I feel nothing.

It is not the sense of hurting, dying, the taste of blood or the feeling of being at the top of the roller coaster.

It's the panic, it is something I know all too well.

The fear, the panic from when I was a child.

When I tried to jump off a three storey building.

It is making me go slow, a controlled descent, slowly but surely know that I can't breathe properly, and I think I am going to die.

I don't want to die, I don't want to be dead.

But I can't feel anything, I jumped already and I feel nothing now.

I know I have to find a way out of this, but I can't.

I don't want to die.

I don't want to feel nothing.

I try, but I can't focus.

I can't control it.

I feel nothing.

I give up, I don't know what else to do.

I hope that someone will find me and help me, but I am not going to be found, or found alive.

I am going to die, as my aunt tried to die when she jumped.

The fall is long and windy, but I don't feel anything.

Nothing at all.

It is not possible to die like that, how can I just cease to exist?

As the last seconds, minutes, hours pass I wonder if this is what it is like to have a heart attack, how it feels to die.

It doesn't feel like being hurt, not at all, it is peaceful.

I feel nothing, but at the same time feel everything, because I know I am dying.

I know I am going to not be missed and I don't feel sad about that.

But I feel lonely, and I know I will be going through hell forever.

I feel empty, almost numb.

Not really losing control, but floating, floating, trying to find hope somewhere.

Then I fall, I pass out.

I don't really see anything, I am just free.

I am nothing and everything, dying and being born, life and death, darkness and light.

It is not hard to be alive, and it is hard to go through the events of the next few seconds.

It is all I feel.

I feel the rush of the wind, the sharpness of it.

I feel it coming out of my lungs, but I don't want to breathe, I don't want to wake up.

I hear the voices in my head, there shallow and deep, they're saying something but I don't understand it.

They say I am dying, and I am not sure if it's true.

I don't really feel anything, but at the same time I do.

It's as if my soul is trying to pass through my body, pushing out of it, struggling, almost as if I am fighting to live.

I have no idea what they're saying, it's not coming from my head.
I hear it, splat, I am dead.

But I don't feel anything, and I can't move, I can't breath, I have lost control of myself and I am going to drown.

There is a deafening silence.

I hear it, splat, it is silent, just the sound of something hitting the ground, but it is my heart.

My lungs have failed, it has taken over, and the silence is, well, it is all I hear.

I don't really feel anything, and I can't move, I just wait.
Goodbye, earth.
I will never see you again.

The sky is still dark, the clouds are still there.

The world looks like a graveyard, where I am going to be buried.

I wake up slowly, being picked up.

It is the scent that awakes me, the smell of a Angel , I could swear I know it.

I feel safe in the arms of an Angel, it's heaven.

I feel safe being with her, being loved by her.

It is beautiful, and I want to stay there forever.

I turn my head to look at her, but she is gone, her glowing wings are gone, and her voice is gone.

But I don't really care.

It is so wonderful, I am sitting in a cloud, breathing the cleanest air there is, and the blue sky is filling my eyes.

It's better than being with the Humans.

At least they aren't here to die.