If You Ever Come Back

Part 2

Seventh reason why I despise you so much; You never really treated me as your own daughter.

Many times, I've asked myself 'Am I adopted?'.

But clearly I wasn't because I looked almost exactly like you.(People even say I'm the exact carbon copy of you when you were young)

Part of me wished that I was adopted. It's sounds harsh, but come on. If you were the one who gets treated like a pet everyday, don't you just wish you were really adopted? It would lessen my resentfulness to you.

You treat me lower than shit mom.

You see me as a pet or an orphan that you were forced to adopt.

Yes, you sheltered me and gave me food. And it's not like I'm ungrateful for that.

But you're my mom. Aren't moms suppose to treat their child like they're special? Aren't they suppose to give them love? Where is that love, that you were suppose to give me mom?

Do you even know how to love, mom? Have I even hear you say 'I love you' to me even once?

You have no idea how jealous I am of my classmates everytime I see them so happy with their moms. You have no idea how jealous I am whenever I see their moms doing their hair, keeping them orderly. You have no idea how jealous I am everytime I hear my classmates say 'I love you' back on the phone everytime they talk to their moms. You have no idea how jealous I am because they have a mom that comforts them when they feel down.

You have no idea how much I have longed for a mother's love- you have no idea how much I've longed for your love.

For 17 years of my life I got no such love from you.

Eight, you always say harsh words to me.

"Jana, you are so worthless. You can't even do one simple thing that I asked you to do..."

" Is that what you call your 'personal best grade'? a 'B minus'? Bullshit, Jana! God why must I be given the stupidest daughter in the world?"

" You are such a problem child! Your father and I were better off before you were born!"

If I continue this list of harsh words that you threw at me all throughout my life, it would be long enough to become a book.

Ninth, you were never really there for me when I needed you.

'Mother knows best'. In my case that's Bullshit. How can you even know what's best for me mom, when you don't even give some of your time to get to know your daughter? Do you even give a shit to decide what's best for me, mom? Do you even waste a second to think about your daughter's emotional needs? No.

All my life I could say that you were never really there for me.

You entrusted me to a Yaya who gave me bruises for playing too much during my childhood years.

And when I reached adolescence,
You weren't there for me too. You were always busy with your "work" or should I say, mahjong sessions and secret affairs with other men.

You never stood up for me or supported me. You never acted like a mom to me.

Tenth, you left us. You left me and Dad.

Dad was on his knees, begging you to stay, tears covered his eyes. I stand in the corner, feeling numb.

"I can't take it anymore!" You said
as you grabbed your last packed suitcase.

"I am sick of living with you two! I am sick of being stuck with a poor scum like you! And I am sick of having a useless, shitty daughter!"

"Lucia, please. We can work this out-"

"There is nothing else to workout. I am leaving this poor shitty life!" You yelled as you walked to the door.

"Lucia!"

"Mom please!" I finally had the voice to speak out.

But it didn't make you stay (How stupid of me to think that it would?). I tried to chase after you, but a man in an expensive-looking motorbike already picked you up quickly and you both disappeared to god-knows where. You ran off with your affair. You chose him over us.

Dad was a hopeless case. Each night the house smelled with alcohol and women. Prostitutes paraded around the house almost every night.

Every night I always hear him shouting your name.

I stayed with Aunt Millie until he let her brother recover from the mess that you've caused him.

Dad loved you mom. I loved you. So much.

But you treated those people that loved you like shit.

But mom, If you're standing with your suitcases, but can't step on the train, please know that the door is open for you if you change your mind.

If you feel like you're not okay with your new life, you can always go back to your old one.

Everything's still the way that they are since you left. Nothing changed mom. I'd still be willing to greet you with open arms and a patient smile, If you ever come back.

Dad may not have given you all that you wanted, but he I know that he'd do anything to give you the world, if it's the only thing he'd do to keep you.

Dad may not have been the perfect husband to you, but he loved you and I know he'd gladly welcome you if you ever come back.

I may not be the perfect daughter, mom. I disappointed you with C's on my report cars, I may not reached your expectations for me or I may not get along with you every time-I apologize for my faults. But please know that I will always love you.

Because mom, I may have came up with a long list of reasons why I hate you, but that doesn't compare to the reasons why I love you.

Your daughter,
Jana

P.S There's always a key under the doorstep if you'd change your mind. Nothing would ever make me happier than your return, mom.

------------------ -End- ---------------------------------